Superbad (2007)

''Cut to black. “Too Hot To Stop” by The Bar-Kays starts playing.'' OPENING CREDITS '''CUT TO: EXT. STREET - MORNING''' ''Cut to Seth driving. He calls Evan. Cut to Evan’s kitchen. Evan answers his phone. Scene cuts back and forth between the car and the kitchen.'' EVAN: Yo. SETH: Hey, man. I was doing research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-Tastic Voyage. EVAN: Which one is The Vag-Tastic Voyage? SETH: The Vag-Tastic voyage is the one where they find like random girls on the street, and they invite them into a van and then they bang them once they’re on the van. It’s like thirteen bucks a month and you get access to a bunch of other sites. Like one's Latina, one's Asian... Umm... You know. There's one for fetishes. Like feet and pee-pee and shit and stuff like that. EVAN: That's disgusting. You're like an animal. SETH: I'm… What? I'm disgusting? You're the weird one, man. Don't make me feel weird 'cause I like porn. You're the weird one for not liking porn. I'm normal as shit. EVAN: Peeing on people?That's normal? SETH: Evan. I'm not saying I'm gonna look at it. I'm just saying it comes with the site, okay? I don't know what I'm gonna be into ten years from now. EVAN: I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff,. You know? I mean... Like if I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value. You know? Like some editing, transition, something. Some music. SETH: Yeah. You know. Well, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay? EVAN: Plus your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipshit. Seth pulls into Evan’s driveway. SETH: Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick the one with the least dirty sounding name. Evan exits his house. EVAN: Uhh... What about like Perfect Ten? Something like that, you know? ''They hang up and continue the conversation in person. Evan gets in the car.'' EVAN: Like Perfect Ten? Because that could be any number of things. You know? They can't really get you for that. That could be like a bowling website. SETH: Yeah, but they don't really show dick going in, which is a huge concern. EVAN: I didn't realize that. SETH: Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself? Not for me. Evan’s mom comes outside. JANE: Hi. Thanks for taking him, Seth. SETH: No, no problem, Jane. How are you? JANE: Good. SETH: Beautiful. ''Evan reaches for the radio. Seth slaps his hand away.'' SETH: Hey, don't touch that. EVAN: What are you...? I'm not a piece of meat. JANE: You two are funny. I can't imagine what you're gonna do without each other next year. Evan told me you didn't get into Dartmouth. SETH: I got into some schools, some pretty good ones. So I'll be fine. JANE: You gonna miss each other? EVAN: No. Miss each other? No thank you. I don't... I don't miss each other. SETH: Yeah. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night. EVAN: Me too. SETH: When I'm out partying. JANE: Go to school, boys. She walks away. EVAN: Bye, Mom. SETH: Bye, Jane. I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. EVAN: Yeah. Well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick. '''CUT TO: EXT. SCHOOL - MORNING'''

''“Soul Finger” by The Bar-Kays plays. The camera pans from a school bus to a shot of the school. Cut to Seth pulling into the parking lot.''

EVAN: Hey, Seth, you can't park in the faculty lot.

SETH: Don't be such a vagine, man. I gotta get a Red Bull before class.

Cut to the pair approaching a store.

EVAN: You know, you're being an idiot, man. You shouldn't have parked there.

SETH: Fuck it. I'm about to graduate. They should be suckin' on my ballsack. It's the least they could do for stealing three years of my life.

''Cut to inside the store. Seth picks up a copy of an adult magazine.''

SETH: Oh, fuck me.

EVAN: Look at those nipples.

SETH: They're like little baby toes.

EVAN: It's just not fair they get to flaunt that stuff, you know? And I have to hide every erection I get.

SETH: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my belly button.

EVAN: I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just, like, wanted to see them. That's the world I one day wanna live in.

SETH: You know it's been, like, two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?

They begin walking around the store.

EVAN: Shauna? Shauna was two years ago now?

SETH: Yeah.

EVAN: Yeah, I guess so. But she was insanely hot.

SETH: Exactly. She was too hot, okay? That's what sucks.

EVAN: How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I got with her. You got, like, two dozen handjobs.

SETH: Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career, and it happened way, way too early.

EVAN: You're like Orson Welles.

SETH: Exactly! If I'd paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent-looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death.

EVAN: Well, you'll have sex in college, everyone does.

SETH: Yes, but the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college. You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fuckin' pussy, okay.

EVAN: I still think you have a chance with Jules, man, really. And she got incredibly hot over last summer, and she obviously hasn't realized it yet because she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.

SETH: Are you out of your mind? Look at Jules' dating record, okay? She dated Dan Remick, who's had a six-pack since, like, kindergarten. Jason Stone, who looks like fuckin' Zack Morris. And Matt Muir. Matt Muir. He's the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles. Why would she end her high school career with me?

EVAN: You know, Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz for like two years.

They put their items on the store counter.

SETH: Yeah, but he's a fuckin' idiot. You're actually a step up from that dick-load. That's why you need to stop being- will you get this for me?

He gestures towards his Red Bull.

SETH: That's why you need to stop being a pussy and nail her, okay?

Evan hands his money to the clerk.

SETH: You could bang her for like two months before you leave. And I'm not gonna dance around it, she looks like a good fucker.

EVAN: All right, I'm tired of you talking about her like that, man.

SETH: What, you can talk about her all day every day and the second I say one thing, it's like blasphemy?

EVAN: Yeah, well, I don't constantly insult her.

They leave the store.

SETH: I'm not trying to insult her. I'm just saying that she looks like a good fucker, okay? She looks like she can take a dick. Some women pride themselves on their dick-taking abilities.

EVAN: Dick-taking abilities? You think that's good to say about someone?

SETH: The fucked-up thing is, I actually do, okay? If some woman tried to compliment me on

my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.

As they walk away from the store, Jesse gets their attention.

JESSE: Hey, yo, Seth.

SETH: What?

JESSE: Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?

SETH: No.

JESSE: Yeah.

Jesse spits on Seth.

GUY: Oh, shit!

JESSE: You're not coming. Tell your fuckin' faggot friend he can't come either.

Seth and Evan start walking again.

SETH: So Jesse wanted me to tell you you're a fuckin' faggot and can't come to his party.

EVAN: You really bitched out back there, man.

SETH: I bitched out? You bitched out, man, you fuckin' Judas. You fuckin' left me hanging over there.

EVAN: Did you want me to dive in front of his spit?

'''CUT TO: EXT. TRACK - MORNING'''

''Seth runs on the school’s track. He falls behind the rest of his class.''

SETH: This is bullshit.

Another student passes Seth.

GUY: Pussy.

'''CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING'''

''As a teacher writes something on the board, Evan looks back at Becca. She catches him staring. He pretends to look elsewhere.''

TEACHER: If i equals the square root of negative one then i squared equals negative one. Okay? In other words, if you consider i as a constant, you can then define the square roots of all the negative numbers. So i is an imaginary number. It doesn't really exist. If i equals the square root of negative one, then i squared equals negative one. Is this making-

The bell rings.

TEACHER: Okay.

''Everyone gets up to leave class. Cut to the hallway outside.''

GABY: Okay, bye.

''Gaby walks away. Becca catches up to Evan.''

BECCA: Evan! Evan, hey.

EVAN: Hey, Becca.

BECCA: Hey, thank you for your pen.

EVAN: Oh, no problem. No, no, don't worry. No worries. You just keep it. You won't have to borrow one again because you'll have that one.

BECCA: Thank you so much.

EVAN: You're welcome. Don't worry about it.

BECCA: So I was gonna ask you, did you hear about Jesse's grad party next weekend? It should be fun.

EVAN: I heard, I… It's a maybe.

BECCA: Really?

EVAN: For me at the moment. Just my R.S.V.P.

BECCA: Just a maybe?

EVAN: So far. There's so much other fun shit that's gonna be happening that night that I can't really commit and, you know, hurt someone's feelings.

BECCA: Fun shit? But I never see you at parties or anything.

EVAN: That's because of all the other fun shit I'm off doing. I'd love to be at all of them, but...

BECCA: So why weren't you at Dimitri's on Saturday?

EVAN: There was just so many things going on. I couldn't find a minute to make an appearance-

BECCA: What did you do?

EVAN: -over there. Saturday was a crazy night for me.

As Evan describes the night, we cut through shots of him, Seth, and Fogell hanging out.

EVAN: I had some friends over, we had a few drinks. I hung out in my basement, the chill zone, where we chill-lax. Like "relax" and "chill" all at once. And, Seth's parents were throwing this party. We got to hang around adults, which was a nice change of pace. You know, you converse, you talk to people and they have interesting stories. I talked to a man who claimed he had climbed five mountains in his life.

BECCA: Wow.

EVAN: And then we went to a nightclub, which was incredible. This big, fancy one.

SETH: Gonna look at tits right now!

EVAN: “I'm feeling crazy.” I said that.

BECCA: You got in?

EVAN: We got right in.

EVAN: Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?

FOGELL: Fuck you!

EVAN: Then we called it a night. We were all just really exhausted.

SETH: What the fuck?

EVAN: You would've loved it. It was an incredible, unbelievable night.

BECCA: That sounds like a lot of fun. You know, I, I'd love to go do something like that sometime.

EVAN: Oh, who wouldn't? I mean, it was like, me and Seth are always kind of cooking up these fun, sort of, little, you know, events.

BECCA: So I guess you guys are really gonna go crazy next year together.

EVAN: Um, we were going to, but we got into different schools.

BECCA: Really? That sucks.

EVAN: Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad. I mean, it should be okay. Not too worried about it, really. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.

BECCA: All right, well, thank you for the pen.

EVAN: Yeah. No problem. Bye.

The both walk away.

BECCA: Bye. Bye, Evan.

CUT TO: HOME EC CLASSROOM - DAY

''Two students enter the classroom. Cut to Seth talking to Mrs. Hayworth.''

SETH: Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class because I'd be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

MRS. HAYWORTH: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

SETH: I know, but look at Evan, okay? Just look at him.

They look over at Evan and his partner.

EVAN: Don't keep me waiting much longer. I'm getting impatient up here. You know what I'm talking about. Miroki, you're embarrassing me.

SETH: I'm here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible-tasting food and I gotta look over at that. Looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my life. And it's B.S. Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know Home Ec is a joke, no offense. It’s just like, everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't wanna sit here all by myself cooking this shitty food. No offense. And I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I gonna be a chef? No. There's three weeks left in school. Give me a fuckin' break. I'm sorry for cursing.

MRS. HAYWORTH: All right, Jules' partner isn't here today either. Pair up with her. Station four.

She walks away.

SETH: Jules? All right. I'll give it another shot. I'll give Home Ec another shot.

''He looks over at Jules. Cut to a montage of Jules and Seth working together. Seth looks over at Evan and Miroki. They both engage in antics to make each other laugh.''

SETH: Yeah, Hayworth won’t notice this if we cover it with chocolate.

JULES: The whole thing?

SETH: Just dump it on. I'm serious.

JULES: Okay.

SETH: And now it looks professional.

JULES: That's really impressive. It's beautifully done.

SETH: I think we're gonna get an A.

JULES: So, what are you doing tonight?

SETH: Probably nothing, why?

JULES: I don't know. My parents are out of town so I was thinking about having, like, a party. You know, I don't really know how many people are gonna be there but you could stop by if you wanted to.

SETH: Yeah, I love parties.

JULES: Really? I just don't really ever see you at them.

SETH: You know, it's a love-hate thing. So, like, you know, right now, I really love them, though. Yeah.

EVAN: Good shit, right, Miroki? Yeah.

Seth runs over to Evan.

SETH: Hey, Miroki, could we have a minute alone? Just- thanks.

Miroki walks away.

SETH: Dude, Jules is having a fuckin' party.

Fogell enters the classroom.

FOGELL: Hey!

SETH: Don't tell Fogell about the party.

FOGELL: Gangsters. what's up, guys? I was just walking down the hall and Nicola was right in front of me. She's wearing these tight white pants with this black G-string and you could see right through the pants, man. It was so sweet.

''Cut to a flashback of Fogell following Nicola. She turns around to him. He looks at his watch.''

FOGELL: Uh, It's 10:33.

NICOLA: What?

''He turns and walks away. Cut back to the classroom.''

FOGELL: I told her what time it was.

SETH: That's the coolest fuckin' story I've ever heard in my entire life! That’s insane. Can I hear it again? You have time?

FOGELL: Yeah, yes, Seth. I'm really gonna miss your knee-slappers when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.

SETH: Yeah, well, while you guys are at Dartmouth, I'll be at State, where the girls are half as smart and twice as likely to fellash me.

FOGELL: What are you guys doing tonight? Asshole.

EVAN: We got nothing. Nothing tonight, Fogell.

FOGELL: No? well, if nothing comes up, we can get shitfaced again, yeah? I mean, you're always calling me a pussy and whatnot, but today you're wrong. At lunch, I'm going to the same place Mike Snider went to pick up my brand-new fake ID. Chica, chica yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.

SETH: That's insane. 'Cause Evan was like, "I heard about this party. we shouldn't tell Fogell about it." And I was like, "No, we should totally tell Fogell." And that way you could buy us booze now. It's awesome.

FOGELL: Yeah, sure, I'll buy the booze, man. Yeah, we're gonna get our drinks on. We're gonna party and get crunk and rock out, dude.

MRS. HAYWORTH: If you're not in this class, leave this class. Fogell! Hi.

FOGELL: Okay. I’m gonna go.

He leaves.

EVAN: Well done, man. Seriously. See you after class.

SETH: You tell that idiot you're not rooming with him next year?

EVAN: Not yet.

SETH: All right, well, you better. That guy's the fucking anti-poon.

Jules walks over.

JULES: Seth, it's dishes time, what's the holdup?

SETH: We're getting a fake ID, so… it's not like a big deal.

JULES: Wow.

SETH: Not a big thing.

'''CUT TO: INT. CAFETERIA - DAY'''

Evan and Seth sit across from each other eating lunch.

EVAN: Well, at least we're getting a graduation party. Thank God, man.

SETH: Oh, I'm excited. I would do terrible, disgusting things to hook up with Jules. Unforgivable things.

EVAN: I hear you, man. I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.

SETH: Becca's a bitch.

EVAN: You know what? I'm seriously getting fuckin' sick of you talking about her like that, frankly, if we can be honest with each other.

SETH: Me too.

EVAN: Like, why do you hate her so much? You've never given me a reason. I’m starting to just think that you like her.

SETH: Fuck no, man! I hate Becca.

EVAN: Why, man?

SETH: Fine, Evan. Here it comes. When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal. Something like 8 percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's... For some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks.

EVAN: What?

SETH: Draw pictures of dicks.

EVAN: Dicks? Like a man dick?

SETH: Yeah. Like a man dick.

As Seth narrates, we cut to a flashback of a young Seth drawing dicks.

SETH: I'd just sit there for hours on end, drawing dicks. I don't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to paper without drawing the shape of a penis.

EVAN: That's fucked.

SETH: No shit, it's really fucked up. Here I am, this little kid and I can't stop drawing dicks

to save my own life.

EVAN: All right. I mean, I just don't see what this has to do with Becca.

SETH: Just listen. Okay? Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom is where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation I had going on. no shit. It's real fucked up. Even I thought I was fuckin' crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think. So I would stash all of my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard. All of a sudden…

A kid knocks Seth’s notebook off of his desk and next to Becca.

KID: Pussy!

EVAN: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?

SETH: Yeah. I know.

YOUNG BECCA: Oh, my God!

SETH: She starts crying. She flips out. And she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fuckin' flips out. He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is some religious fanatic and he thinks I'm possessed by some dick devil. My parents make me see some therapist, and he's asking me dick questions. They literally made me stop eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles. You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

The flashbacks end.

EVAN: Yeah. Well, I don't… That's really messed up. Super gay.

SETH: All right, let's stop this madness. Let's just go get some dessert.

EVAN: No, I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor. I'm picking out my classes for next year.

Evan stands up.

SETH: What, so I gotta sit and eat dessert alone, like I'm fuckin' Steven Glanzberg?

EVAN: I gue- Yeah, I mean, what do you want me to do?

SETH: I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.

EVAN: Relax, man. I'll see you later.

SETH: That's fine. I'll be fine.

''Evan leaves. A passing teen pushes Seth’s stuff off of the table.''

TEEN: Hey, pussy.

SETH: Fuck off.

'''CUT TO: EXT. SCHOOL - DAY'''

''Jules, Nicola, and another girl stand talking. Seth walks nearby.''

JULES: Just the one. Just the one. Not both.

NICOLA: So I'll call Andy and Greg.

JULES: Okay.

NICOLA: And I'll bring the '80s dance music.

''Nicola leaves. Jules spots Seth.''

JULES: Seth! Hi. There you are. We were just talking about you.

SETH: Here I am.

JULES: That's weird. So you're coming to my party tonight? 'Cause it's, like, fully on.

SETH: Yeah, why? Should I not come? Because I could think of other shit-

JULES: Oh, no. No. I want you to come, I just, um… You said something earlier about, like, a fake ID or something, right?

SETH: Yeah, I'm gonna get one. For sure, for sure. I'm getting that for sure.

FRIEND: Can you get us booze?

SETH: Yeah. I can. I can get you guys alcohol.

JULES: Really? Seriously?

SETH: Yes, for sure.

JULES: Oh, that would be awesome. Thank you. Because, you know, we’re worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.

SETH: Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.

Seth and Jules laugh.

SETH: So you do want alcohol? You want some sort of alcohol or no? You do or you don't? You do want alcohol.

JULES: Um, yeah.

SETH: Either way.

JULES: Well-

SETH: Either way. Either way's fine.

JULES: This is actually kind of a big favor. Because my parents left me like a hundred bucks to feed myself for the week. But the house is full of food, so I just thought I'd spend it all on, you know, extra drinks for the party, so...

SETH: Yeah, that's really nice. I don't think I've ever done anything that nice.

JULES: It's cool?

SETH: Yeah.

JULES: Okay. Thank you.

FRIEND: Awesome.

JULES: I mean, seriously, that's really…

FRIEND: Thanks.

JULES: That's nice of you. Thank you.

SETH: So should I just get a shitload of different shit?

FRIEND: Well, you gotta get me some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

SETH: Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of gay, but I can get it for you.

JULES: So, um, okay, so then we will see you tonight.

'''CUT TO: EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY'''

Evan is on the soccer field during gym class.

TEACHER: Go to the ball, guys. Evan. Get into the game.

EVAN: Kick it over to me.

Seth runs onto the field.

TEACHER: Seth! Get off the field!

EVAN: Dude, get out of here. They're gonna make me run laps again.

SETH: Just fuckin' listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fuckin' friend came up to me and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole fun-ness of her party. She wants to fuck me. She wants my dick in or around her mouth.

EVAN: Did you think that maybe she's using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick.

SETH: No, she's got an older brother. And she could have asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, mama’s making a pubic salad, and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F. She's down to fuck, man. P in vagi. She wants to fuck, man. Tonight is the night that fucking is an actual possibility.

EVAN: You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

SETH: No. Dude, I know I talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least, I'll make out with her. Two weeks, handjob. Month, blowjob. whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got, like, two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, l'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.

EVAN: Okay, can you just get out of here and we’ll talk about this later?

GREG: What the fuck, Evan? We're down two points.

EVAN: fuckin' calm down, Greg. It's soccer. It's soccer.

GREG: Fuck you, man.

SETH: Hey, Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?

GREG: That was, like, eight years ago, asshole.

SETH: People don't forget. Do you wanna hear the best part? Becca. You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shitfaced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I've fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.

EVAN: I should buy Becca alcohol?

SETH: Yeah, it'll be pimp. That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when girls saying, like, "I was so shitfaced last night. I shouldn't have fucked that guy." We could be that mistake!

EVAN: Have you talked to Fogell?

SETH: All right, you talk to Becca. I'll talk to that retard, Fogell. Don't worry.

Seth runs off the field.

TEACHER: Seth, get off the field!

Seth kicks a ball.

SETH: Goal!

TEACHER: You're getting that!

SETH: No, I'm not!

'''CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY'''

Evan approaches Becca in the hallway.

EVAN: Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.

BECCA: Oh, hey.

EVAN: Hey. Hi. Did you hear about the party tonight?

BECCA: Yeah. Yeah, I just heard. It sounds awesome.

EVAN: Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.

BECCA: Really?

EVAN: Yeah, I'm gonna go to it. That's actually why I came looking for you. Me and the guys are gonna go to a liquor store after class. And I just thought, you know, if you needed someone to get you yours, I could do that. I could be that person.

BECCA: Yeah. Um, yeah, no, that would be great. That would save me such a hassle, because I was gonna beg my sister, but... Could you get me, like, a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?

EVAN: Yeah. That's the one with the little golden flakes in it?

BECCA: Yeah. The girly one.

EVAN: That's classy.

BECCA: Well, I'll pay you back at the party.

EVAN: No, no, no, you won't. No, it's my treat, miss.

BECCA: Really?

EVAN: Yep. And that's that. It's the first of many too, so get used to it, sister.

BECCA: Oh, well, thank you.

EVAN: Yeah, no problem.

''Evan raises his hand. Someone behind him bumps into him, causing Evan to hit Becca’s boob.''

EVAN: I'm sorry. That guy walked by. It was an accident.

BECCA: It's okay.

EVAN: I was gonna give you like a nudge, a punch, the friend thing.

BECCA: It’s okay.

EVAN: I didn't mean, I’m sorry-

Gaby approaches.

GABY: Hey, Becca.

BECCA: Oh, hey.

GABY: Hey.

BECCA: Gaby.

GABY: What's up, Evan?

EVAN: Hey, Gaby.

GABY: We should get to class.

BECCA: We're gonna go to class, so I will see you tonight.

EVAN: Okay.

BECCA: Really, don't worry.

EVAN: Okay. Sorry.

Becca and Gaby walk away.

BECCA: Bye.

EVAN: Sorry. Bye. Sorry.

'''CUT TO: EXT. SCHOOL - DAY'''

''Seth stands at the bottom of some stairs. Evan approaches him.''

SETH: Where is that sack of shit, Fogell? He said he'd be here after lunch. I'm sitting here with my thumb up my ass.

EVAN: I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for it. It was pimp. I’m like, I feel like a pimp right now. Like one of those pimps.

SETH: That is fuckin' pimp.

EVAN: That's what I was afraid of.

SETH: Why didn't I think of that? Shit. Sh- we're screwed. Okay? We're screwed.

Cut to Evan and Seth in the school’s workshop.

SETH: This is what we get for trusting Fogell, okay? He pussied out. I know it Evan. He fuckin' pussied out.

Cut to Seth and Evan walking together outside.

SETH: How'd he get into Dartmouth? I don't get it. He's got shit for brains. All right, how else can we get alcohol?

Fogell approaches them.

FOGELL: Yo, guys! what's up?

EVAN: Fogell, where have you been, man?

SETH: You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out, or what?

FOGELL: No, no, man. I got it. It's flawless. Check it.

He hands them his fake ID.

EVAN: Hawaii?

FOGELL: Uh huh.

EVAN: All right, that's good. It's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to McLovin?

FOGELL: Yeah.

EVAN: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? You trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

FOGELL: No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

SETH: And you landed on McLovin?

FOGELL: Yeah, it was between that or Mohammad.

SETH: Why the fuck would it be between that or Mohammad? Why not just pick a common name like a normal person?

FOGELL: Mohammad is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fuckin' book for once.

EVAN: Fogell, have you ever actually met anyone named Mohammad?

FOGELL: Have you actually ever met anyone named McLovin?

SETH: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name.

FOGELL: Fuck you.

SETH: Give me that. All right. You look like a future pedophile in this picture, number one. Number two, it doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin!

EVAN: What? One name? One name? who are you, Seal?

SETH: Fogell,  this ID says you're 25 years o   ld. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

FOGELL: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face. Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store  with their fake IDs and every single one says they'r   e 21. How many 21-year-olds you think there are in this town? It's called  fuckin' strategy, all right?

EVAN: L  et's stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's a fine ID. It'll- It's go  nna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy's either gonna think, "Here's a kid with a fake ID,  ” or, "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? S   o, what's it gonna b   e?

FOGELL: I am McLovin.

SET  H: No, you're not. No one's McLovin. M  cLovin's never existed because that's a made-up dumb fuckin' fairy-tale name, you fuck!

They begin walkin  g away.

FOGELL: Jeez, man. It'll work. Give it a chance.

SETH: Did you move my... where is my car?

EVAN: Oh, my God, man. Didn’t I tell you  ? What did I say to you? I told you not to park here.

FOGELL: Why would you park in the staff parking lot?

SETH: Shut the fuck up, Fogell.

FOGELL: I mean, be  cause you're not staff.

SETH: I know that, Fagell! I know that! Evan, let's go to your ho  use.

They leave.

FOGELL: Wait, are y  ou guys still picking me up from work? Can yo  u answer me?

'''CUT TO: INT. EVAN’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON'''

Cut to an e  ''stablishing shot of Evan’s house. Cut to inside. Evan play  s video games while Seth tries on clothes.''

SETH: Man, don't you have any non-infant clothes? It'll be f  ine.

EVAN: Yeah, and why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

SETH:  No, I can't do that. I can't le  t Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's  completely unbecoming. No one's g  otten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam.

EVAN: You know w  hy I have to kill these guys? 'Cause you don't negoti  ate with terrorists.

SETH: Oh, really?

EVAN: T  errorism.

SETH: Yeah, th  at's what we should be talking   about r   ight now.

EVAN: Then why don't you go to your house and get some of your own  clothes?

SETH: No. That's the dumbest thing ever. If I go hom  e, my parents will see that my car's been towed and I'll be grounded.

EVAN: God,  these fuckin' terrorists multiply like bunnies. Where did I leave the  M16?

SETH: Do you  have any bigger clothes or do   you only shop at babyGap   ?

EVAN: Fuck  me. I can't… That's fun. Why do they make that? If you can't even win, then why am I fuckin' playing? Do you  wanna go see what my dad has?

'''CUT TO: EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON'''

''“Bustin’ Out (On Funk)” by Rick James plays. Cut to Seth and Evan getting off  the bus. The approach Fogell as he gets out of work.''

SETH: What the hell is that?

FOGELL: It's a fuckin' vest , dumbass. I'm trying to look older.

SETH: You  look like Pinocch   io.

EVAN: No, it's just a vest.

SETH: You  know, they got a lot of booze   in there. If we get it now, we can ge  t to the party faster with all Jules's shit.

FOGELL: No w  ay, man. I work there. They know I'm not 25.

SETH:  Nobod   y said anything about you, dick-mouth. You really fu  cked me on this o   ne. So now I'm gonna steal the booze.

FOGELL: Don’t, don't do this. I promise you I'll  get the liquor later. Mike Snider's ID always works. So will mine, man.

SETH  : Mike Snider's ID doesn't have one fucking name on it! Okay? I thoug  ht you D   artmouth guys would be smart enou   gh to understand that. Now Seth's gotta pick up all the pieces.

S  eth walks towards the store.

EVAN: He won't do it. Don't worry.

FOGELL:  Oh, I forgot to tell   you, my mom said we can have the TV from the basement-

EVAN: Shut the fuck up, man, he's gonna hear you. Just be quiet. Wait until he goes away.

FOGELL: You st  ill hav   en't told him that we're   rooming to   gether?

EVAN: Fogell, sh  ut the fuck up. And take off yo  ur   vest. You look like Aladdin.

F     OGELL: Okay. You got it.

Cut t  o insid   e t   ''he store. Seth eyes the security guard. He  passes   an old lady in   the liquor aisle. He imagines  che   cking ou   t with the   clerk.''

SETH     : Hope piggy   can run.

CLERK: Ho  w old are you?

SETH:  Twenty-   two.

CLERK: You  certainly   are. Th  at'l   l b   e 80 dol   lars.

SETH: O  h,   okay. Thank y  ou kindly. will that do?

He gives th  e clerk an $80 bill.

CLERK: Certa  inly will. Thank you, Seth.

SE  TH: Hey, tha   nk   you.

He then imagines the woman in front of him dropping her pu  rs   e. He picks it up   fo   r her   .

SETH  : Oh, you dropped   your purse, m   a'am. Wou  ld you like   som   e   help with yo   ur groceries?

W  OMAN   : Well  , tha   t would be lovely,   y   oun   g man. Would you lik  e me to   buy yo   u alcoh   ol?

SETH: That would be  lovely.

He holds bags of liquor whil  e she   leaves.

S  ETH: Enjoy your remaini   ng years.

W  OMAN: I will. Enjoy  fuckin' J   ules.

SETH: I wil  l.

He then imagines s  tealing   some liquor.

COP:  Don't do   it, kid.

SETH: I n  ever h   ad a choice.

He imagines getti  ng in a fight with the cop,   during which the old   woman is killed.

SETH: You fuckin' killed her! No! The cop kills Se  ''th. Cut bac  k outside as   Seth approache   s Ev   an and Fogell.''

FOGELL: W  here's all the s   tolen liquor,   Dan   n   y Oc   ean? Did you hide it up yo  u   r butt?

SETH:  Pis   s o   ff! I was  gonna d   o it, but t   her   e was a secur   ity bre   a   ch. You n  e   ver would'v   e   done it. Let's go to  a liquor store   and watc   h your   stupid ID get rejected.

FO  GEL   L: Wait, I'm gonna go put   my   vest   back in   my locker.

CUT  TO: INT.   BUS - EVENING

The  trio sits on th   ''e bus. Cut to them  exiting and   approa   ching a liquor st   ore.''

EVAN: All right. Here  we ar   e. This is it. You  ready?

FOGELL:  Yea   h.

EVAN: Yeah?

SET  H: He   re's      the mon   ey   and the list.

EVAN:  Ch   ange   is   yours. Keep the change.

FOGELL: Than  k you. what's t  he list   for?

EVAN: The alcohol.

SETH: We'r  e gonna g   et   alcohol for   the whole pa   rty, okay? We  put a l   ot of t   ime into th   is l   is   t, so d   o   n't fuck it up and get   s   ambuca again.

EVAN: It's perfe  ct.

FOGELL: Ou  zo, bourbon, spiced rum,   Goldsli   ck...

EVAN: Gold  slick Vo   dka. That'  s for   Becca. Don't  forget that, ok   ay?

FOGELL: Raspb  erry vodka, S   cotch...

SETH: Oh, and Kyle's Killer Lemona  de. A six-pack.

FOGELL: This is, this is a lot  o   f stuff, man. I don't know if I can get away with all thi  s.

EVAN:     What difference does it make  , how      much it is?

FOGELL: I don'  t kn   ow, man. I'm, like, r  e   ally nervous.

EVAN: Are you o  kay?

FOGELL: No, ma  n. I should have wore the   vest. Oh, no.

EVAN: Calm d  own.

SETH: What the fuck     are you doing?

FOGELL: What  if I go in th   ere and they turn me down, man?

S  ETH: Th   en we're i   n   the same exact place tha   t we're in right now.

EVAN: Who cares?

FOGELL: It's fucking humiliating! Everybod  y   in the store sees the      m kicking me   out. What if they mak  e me   put t   he   liquor back on the   shelf? I can  't do that.

EVAN: Oh, my God.

SETH: This who  le thing is bigger than you, Fogell   ! So grow a pair of nuts and fuckin' walk in the  re and buy the alc   o   ho   l!

FOGELL: What if I don't  feel   li   k   e it anymore, Seth? What?

SETH: Then I'll fuckin' kill you, okay? I’ll get a knife and stab you through your fuckin' heart. EVA  N:   No, you can do   this, man. Come on.

FOG  ELL: Killing me w   o   n't get   y   ou   alcohol, jerk off. I'm the on  e w   ith the fake ID.

SETH: W  ell  , th   en I'll cut   your du   mb little fuckin' fac   e off thr   ow it o   ver mine   and get your ID and buy i   t my fucking sel   f   !

FOG  ELL:   Oh, really? You don't h     ave the technolo   gy or the stead   y han   ds   to pull   off   a pr   ocedure like that,      so ha! Peace.

Seth pushes him  .

EVAN: Fogell , jus   t be cool, man. Get in  and get out. Yo  u're the hero.

''Cut to Fogell entering the store. He ner  vou   sly shuf   fles ar   ound. He accidenta  lly drops   a six   pack of beer on the floo   r. An emp   loyee approac   he   s.''

EMPLOY  EE: Is th   e   re   a problem here, sir?

FOGEL  L:   No. No problem whatsoeve   r.

EMPLOYE  E: Sir, did you do this   ? On  the   floor?

FOGE  LL   : No. An  d you shou   ld   really clean th   is up. Someon  e   could really hurt the   ms   elves.

F  og   ell walk   s awa   y.

EMPL  O   YEE: Fu   ck my   life.

Cu  t back o   u   tside t      o Ev   a   n and Seth   .

SET  H: We're   so fu   cke   d. We're so   f   uck   ed. This  plan   's   been fucke   d   sin   ce Jump S   treet.

EV  AN:   Okay, ju   s   t calm down. Ju  st calm   down, al   l right? Hey, so di  d you bring a c   on   dom for tonight?

SETH:  You b   ro   ugh   t a condo   m with you?

EVAN:  Yea   h. I f   igured I mi   ght   as we   ll, you   know? I  brought a little b   ottle of sper   m   icidal lube too.

SETH: But you l  au   ghed in my fa   ce when I said I   'd be hav   ing sex tonight.

EVAN: Yeah,  that doesn't me   an y   ou shouldn't j   ust always be prepa   red. You did  n't e   ven bring a c   ondo   m?

SE  TH: No. No, Evan, tha   t w   a   sn't part of   the plan. I c  an’t   believe      you did this without con   s   ulting w   i   th me about it.

EVA  N: W   hy are   yo   u talking about   a pla   n   ? We've neve     r discussed, like,   any   pl   an, bu   t y   ou keep saying we have a p   lan.

SETH: I had, like, a general outl  ine. You know? I  was gonna g   o down on her for, like, several   h   ours, okay? She would love tha  t. She'  d be smitten by that. She'd go out w  i   th that. Or I dry hump the shit out of he  r leg.

EVAN: Okay,  w   ell, I just, I don't se      e the harm in   bringing one little co   ndom.

SETH: And on  e little bottle of spe   rmicidal lu   be?

EVAN: Yea     h, one little bot   tle o      f spermicid   al lu   be.

S  ETH: Evan, that's psych   o shit, man.

EVA  N: No, it's   not.

SETH: That'  s,   li   k   e, Charles Ma   ns   on shit. What,  do you   t   hink   Bec   ca's gonna be p   sy   ched that you   broug   ht a bottle o   f   lube? "O  h,   Evan. Thank   you fo   r   br   inging th   at lube fo   r my pussy. I n   ever w   ould   've been   abl   e to hand   le your fuckin' 4-i   nch di   ck inside m   y pussy without that   gigant   ic bottle of lube."

EVAN:  Okay, that's-

SETH:  Fuck.

EVAN: That's  enou      gh.

SETH: These girls  are 18      ye   ars old  , they're not dri   ed-u   p old l      adies. They're good  to go.

EVAN:  T   h   en I won't bring the lube.

C  ut   back into the   st   ''ore. Fo  gell puts t   he   alcohol on the counter.''

FOGEL  L   :   Hello, M   indy.

She scans so  me   o   f the items.

FO  GELL: I l   ove   th   at stuff. Been d  rin   king   it for   years. You kno  w, I hea   rd they r   ece   ntly   decided to add   more hops to it.

MINDY: Um, okay. I'm gonna ne  ed to see some identification.

FOGEL  L: Rea   lly? Makes me feel young aga     in.

He shows her the ID.  Cu   t b   ack to Seth and Evan.

SETH: Oh       , shit, it's C   ary Hutchins. She  had the biggest tits      I've ever seen.

EVAN: Yeah, I heard she got bre  ast-redu   ction surge   r   y.

SETH: W  hat? Making yo  ur   tits   smaller? That's lik  e sla   p   ping G   o   d across   the face for giving   y   ou   a gorgeou   s gift.

EVA  N: She ha   d back p   roblems, man. And     it's   not just making   them smal   ler. They co  mp   letely res   hape them. They  make them mo   re   sup   ple and symmetrical.

SETH: I gotta c  atch a glimpse of      these warlocks. Let's make a  mo   ve.

They run to Cary.

EVAN: She's going around the co  rner.

SETH: Come on!

Cut back int  o the store.

MINDY: Okay. Your total is 96.59.

A man enters the store     ''and punches Fogell across the face. He  takes some money out of   the register and runs.''

MINDY: I don't  believe it! Are yo  u okay,   miste   r?

FOGELL: Wh  at t   he shit was that?

MINDY: I don't be  lieve   it. I d  on't believe it. I  do   n'   t believe i   t.

Cut back to Ev  a   n and Seth r   eturning to th   e pa   rking lot.

SETH: I don't know,  ma   n.   I think she looked   better be   fore.

EVAN:  But now   that   she can   jog   comfort   ab   ly, she's   in the bes   t shape she   's ev   er… What   i   s thi   s? What's that   ?

They se  e a c   op car ou   tside   the   liquor store   .

SETH:  Oh, man.

They  lo   ok inside the store   wind   ow and   see the cops talking t      o F   ogell   and Mindy.

EVAN  : Holy   shit,   they busted   Fogell.

SETH:  How di   d   this happen, Evan? Fuck, man!

EVAN: His dad's gonna fuckin' kill him. Cut back in  to the store.

M  IND   Y: Look, okay? He assaulted  th   e customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.

SLATER: So...

M  ICHAELS   :   How...

S  LATER: How, how...

MICH  AELS: Say when, height-wise.

S  LATER   :   I'   m gonna start up here  , ju   st tell m   e wh   en.

MICHAELS: I'll  start   o   n the b   ottom and...

MINDY:  When. Whatever 5'  10" is, he was 5   '10   ".

SLATER: Ethnically, I me  an, did, w   hat,   um… I   mean, was he… Was he like   us, or...

MIND  Y: A woma   n?

SLATER  : No.

MIND  Y: Female?

MICHAELS:  N   o.

MINDY: Is  that wha   t you're   asking?

SLAT  ER:   No, no.

MIC  HAELS   : Was he   …

SL  A   TER: Like. ..

MINDY:  What? Wha  t?

MICHAELS:     Afric   an   ?

SLATER: Af- African?

M     INDY: Was he African?

MICHAELS  : Afri   ca   n.

MIND  Y: No. He was American, an   d h   e   was like you. He loo  ked ju   st like you.

MICH  AEL: He wa   s   Je   wish. Okay, Jew. It's  an odd crime for a   Jew to   commit.

SLATER  : They're pretty docile.

MICHAELS  : Okay,      so we   hav   e an African J   ew w   earing a ho   od   ie.

MINDY: Look, I can  't   do this. I told you already, I ha  v   e an ex   am   tomorrow. Can you  und   erstand th   at? I  have a goddamn veterinary   exam! Goddamnit. Thi  s is b   ullshit. This is some bu  llshit. I got  an exam      tomorrow. Forget this.

Mindy leav     es.

SLATER: Well, apparently s  omeone has   an exam.

MI  CHAELS: How'd yo   u know?

SLA  TER: You. You're the one that got punched?

FO  GELL: Yea   h.

MICHAELS: Okay. First things first. What is your na  me?

FOGELL  : Uh. My name? I  t   's M... McLov.. . McLovin.

MICHAELS: McLovin?

FOGELL: Yeah.

SLATER:  Now, what's your f   irst name?

FOGELL: Wha  t?

SLATER: Your first na  me.

FOGEL  L: My   first name? Technically I don't have a fir  st name  , s   o don't wo   rry about   my first name.

MI  CHA   ELS: But we're the poli   c   e.

SLATER: We just wanna get the  story straight.

Cut  back to Seth and Evan, who leave.

SETH: Com  e on.

EVAN: Fuck, man.

SET  H: Come on!

EVAN: He must  be so afraid.

SETH: I don't believe this bulls  hit. I can't believ  e this is happ   ening! I didn't ev  en   know you co   uld   get arrested fo   r this shit. We nee  d that liquor.

EVAN: Ar  e they g   onna  , like, take      him downtown, or   some   thing?

SE  TH: Fuc   k Fogell. He got arreste  d, ok   ay? We're on our ow  n. We need a ne   w way to get   liq… Ah, fuck! The  money, man! Fuck! How much money c  an you get?

EVAN: Why are you ta  lking about money, man? What about  Fog   ell?

SETH: That doesn't matter anymore. I lost a hundred dollars of Jules' money. What are we gonna do, bust him out of jail? I’m gonna bake him a cake with a fuckin' file in it? Fuck Fogell. we need a new way to get liquor, which is fucking impossible because we don’t have any money. Fuck! EVAN: All  right  , you   just need to calm down. W  e nee   d to   t   hi   nk for a seco   nd. We just n  e   ed to think this   out.

SETH: F  uck thinking, we n   eed to act!

Seth gets hit by  a car.

EVAN: Woah, S  eth!

S  ETH: What the fuck hap   pened?

EVAN: Just, ju  st get up. Slowl  y. You all righ   t? Yo   u okay?

Franc  is gets ou   t of the car   ''. Evan  he   lps Seth up.''

FRANCIS:  I am s   o sorry, man. I a  m so sorry. I d  idn't even effi   ng see you   at all,   man. Are you okay  ?

Cut back i  nto      the store.

SLATER: So it's just  McLov   in?

FOGELL: Yeah.

MI  CHA   E      LS   : T   hat   's badas   s.

SLAT     ER: That   is bad   ass.

MICHAELS: Really  c   o   ol.

SLATER  : That’s   a badass   name.

M  ICHAE   LS: Yeah.

SLATER: Lot     of peopl   e with weir      d   names now   aday   s.

MICHAE  L   S: Chingy. Shakira. Rafe. Pax.

S  LATER: W   e arreste   d a man-lady w   ho was lega   lly named "   Fuck."

MICHAELS: Th  ink he was Vietnamese, it was with a PH. But it's st  ill pre   tty shocking to see on a   license. Okay, and  how old are you, M   cLovin?

FOGEL  L: Old enough.

SLATER:  Old enough   for   what?

FOGELL: To party.

MICH  AELS: Can I see your   ID?

FOGEL  L: Y   eah, I think I   have it.

He     ''hands them his ID. They  l   ook a   t i   t for   a   moment and whispe   r to   e   ach ot   her   .''

SLATER: You'r  e a   n o   rgan dono   r.

FOGELL: What?

SL  A   TER:   I didn't   wanna be one  , but   my wif   e insiste   d.

MICHAELS: I  always   giv   e him shit for it too. All the time. I say, "It's just li  ke a   woman. Eve   n after you're dead      they   wann   a tear your   heart out   ."

SLATER: They wanna tear your…

MI     CHAELS: I say it weekly and it's s   till funny.

SLATER: It still m  akes me   laugh.

MICHAELS: Really funny.

SLATER: There you  go.

FOGELL: I'  m sorr   y, guys. I don't really h  a   ve   any information. He just kind  of hit me, and I did   n't really   see   what   he looked   l   ik   e. I don't know   if I can help y   ou.

MICHAEL  S:   You in a hurry,   or somethin   g?

FOGELL: Ye  ah, k   ind of had   to catch that bus.

SLATER  : Where were you headed?

FOGELL: U  h, near 13th and Granvi   lle.

SLATER: W  e can take you there. Get your information on the way.

FOGE  LL: No,   you don’t have to.

MICHAELS: Why  waste 2 bucks?

S  LATER: We'll   take you. No problem.

Cut bac  k to Se   th and Evan talking to Francis.

FRANCIS: Plea  se, please don't report   me, man. We can  fig   ur   e this out, right? We  c   an figure this   out, right?

SETH:  Why the fuck would   n't I report   yo   u      ? You just hit me with your car.

FRANCIS: I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys. I'll do fucking anything                                      SE      TH: W   e   ll, I'   ll be honest with you      fo   r a second.

FRANCIS: Okay.

SETH: You better get us a shitload of cash, or a shitload of alcohol, or you're going to fuckin' prison. EVAN: What a     re you doing,   m   an? That’s…

FRA  NCIS:   Ok   ay.

Francis  tak   es ou   t his wall   et.

EVAN: You don'  t nee   d to- N      o,   le   t's   not,   let's   hang on a second   he   re.

SETH:  Cough it   up.

FRA     NCI   S:   Fin   e.

EVAN:  I don't know if   we   should be   doing an   ything   of   fi   cial.

FRAN  CIS: J   ust take it, j   ust      take it,   okay?

Franc  is ha   nds   Seth some money.

SETH: S  even dollars? W  hat the fuck, ma   n. This   isn't

enough. What are you, six  years   old?

FRANCIS: It's all I  have, man. It's all I have.

SETH:  Well,   you   better think of somethi   ng quic   kly, all right? Ah, my back! My  back   ! Cops, my back.

FRANCI  S: No, no  ,   no. wait, don't do that. All r  ight, listen. Yo  u want b   ooze? I  can get you   al   coh   ol. Bro, I'm on  my way to a party right now, okay   ? There’s like,  tons of liquor the   re, all right? And I can, I can  de   finitely get   you,   like, t   ons of liq   uor. Like,  so muc   h liquor, so.

EVAN  : Just give me one sec   to talk      to him.

SETH: St  ay   right here.

F  RANCIS: Just talk      it out. Hey,  I'm a nice   guy.

EVAN: I don't like this idea at all. This guy's fuckin' creepy, man. Look at him. SETH  : What   ? He looks  like a   guy. That'  s what guys look li   ke. What is yo  ur   p   roblem?

FRAN  CIS:   You guys know a   guy   named   Jimmy? You totally look  l   ike hi   s bro   ther. You tot  ally loo   k li   ke his   br   other, man. You d  o.

SETH: Y  ou         promised Becca you'd ge   t he   r   al      c   ohol. If you don't, s  he's gon   n      a have a shitty night. That's  all I'm   saying. C  ome on.

Cut to S  lat   er,   Michaels, and F   ogell leaving th   e   store.

MICHAEL  S: Good   luc   k on your exam t   omo   rrow.

SLATER: G  ood luck on y   our exam. You do  n't   wanna   ride the bus  , any   way.

M  ICHAELS: Buses   sme   ll l   ike piss,   gen   erall   y. You know      w   hy?

FOGELL:  Wh   y?

MICHAELS: Peo  ple pi   s   s on them.

CUT  TO:   INT   '''. CA  R - EVENING'''

Francis s  its i   n t   h   e driver’s seat while   Seth and E   van sit in the back.

FRANCI  S   : You   know, one of   y   ou bros could'v   e   come up and sat up with me.

SETH: We'r  e fine back here.

EVAN: Back's  fine.

SETH: Safe in th  e back seat.

Seth gets  a call fr   ''om Jules. Cut bac  k and for   th between Jules’   s ho   use and the car.''

SETH: Oh. Oh, my God.

EVAN: What's up?

SETH: Hey, Jules.

FRANCI  S: Who is   it? Who's on the  phone?

JULES: Seth. Hey, where are  you?

SETH: I'm in a cab     right now, on the way to a liqu   or store.

JULES: Oh, yeah. Good. I  can't wait   f   or you to get here.

SETH:  Well, I   hope yo   ur fri   e   nds      are ready   to   get fucked up.

Fran  cis   goes for   a high fiv   e   ''. Neith  er Seth nor E      van go for   it   .''

JULES: I'm  sure th   ey will be. Okay, I'll see  you   soon.

SETH: Peac  e. Oh, ma      n! Dude, this is crazy. She called, she said, "I can't wait for you to get there."

FRANCIS: That sounds l  ike she fully wants it, man! Oh, yeah! Who  's gonna give it to he   r  , huh,

my man? You, that's who. Man. You guy  s on MySpace? Or…

'''CUT TO: INT. COP C  AR - EVENING'''

“Why Do I Cry” by The  ''Remains plays. C  ut to the cop car.''

FOGELL: Um, officers? I can answer thos  e questions now if you   want me to.

SLATER:  We get the gist of it. You were buying beer,  some guys punched   you. Don't worry  about it. We're not  gonna find   them.

MICHAELS: Ca  s   e c   lose   d.

FOGELL: But it was onl  y-

The light ahead of th  em tur   ns red.

M  ICHAELS: Oh  , whoop.

They  turn   on   their po   l   ice lights and go thro   ugh   t   he red light.

F  OGELL:   But it was only   one guy.

SLATER:  O      nly one guy? Sh  it. How am I s  upposed to find o   ne guy in      the whole c   ounty?

MICHAELS: This job re  ally      isn't how, yo   u know,   shows like   CS   I make it out to be. When I  fir   st   joined   the   force,   I assumed   there   was semen on everyth   ing,   and ther         e was so   me, like  , h   uge semen da   tab      as   e that had every bad guy's   se   me   n in   it. There isn'  t. That doesn't   e   x   ist. It'd be nic  e. Like th      at      crim   e scene today. If the man h  ad e   jaculate   d and then punched   yo   u in the fa      ce, w   e'd have a rea   l go   od s   hot at c   atching him.

SL  ATE      R: No way.

MIC  HAE   LS: Just punch   ed   in the fac   e  , no s   eme   n.

SLATER:  No semen.

MICHA  ELS: Story of   my lif   e.

SLA  TE      R: Oh.

They tur  n on th   eir ligh   ts   to go through another red light      .

SLAT  ER: Michael   s here, he's six   month   s in. He's y  oung, but the   Force is strong w   ith this one. Learning y  ou are  ,   young padawan.

MIC  HAELS:   Thank you very much.

SLATER: T  hat's Yod   a.

MICHAELS: Are  you familiar wit   h Yoda?

SLATER: From  Attack of   the Clones?

WOMAN ON PA:  We have   a 245 at East 24 and Mo   ntgomery, Ba      iley's Bar and Grill.

SLATER:  Car 98 o   n it. See,  Mic   haels, you al   w   ays take a c   all at a bar becaus   e,   uh, b   etter or worse, you ge   t a      bee   r out of it.

MIC  HAELS: Wow.

SLATER:  Pretty   sweet, huh   ?

MI  CHAELS: True      tha   t. Amazing th   inkin   g.

SLATE  R: Hey, Mc   Lovin. We go  t a situation at Bailey's,   so we'll drop   you off   after, all r   ight?

FOGELL  : Actually, I kind of have to be   so   mewhere-

SLAT  ER: S   w   eet. Sit tig  h   t.

M  ICHAELS: Set cour   se for B   a   iley's Bar and Gr   i   ll  , warp 10. E  ngage.

They tur  n t   heir lights on.

CUT TO  ''': EXT. M  A   RK   ’S   HOUSE - EVENI   NG'''

Francis, Seth  ,      and Evan ar   riv   e a   t Mark’s hous   e.

FRANCIS: Yeah. Wel  come to th   e   Thu   nder   dome.

EVA  N   : Hey, man, a   re you   sure i   t's c   oo   l th   at we   're here   with you?

FR  ANCIS:   O   h, definitely, m   an. I'm essent  ially best friends with   the guy so a bunc   h of my buds are coming. We're gonna rock out with our cocks out. Just kidding. We are go  nna rock out.

SETH: Just go, just go.

FR  ANCIS: What's u   p? What's up? Wha  t'      s up? Hello,  hello. Hey, guy  s.

Cut  in   side the h   ouse.

E  VAN: This i   s something a   s   mart person woul   dn'   t do.

SE  TH:      L   ook, j   us   t act coo   l and a   ct cas   ual, and   try   and   loo   k old. We'll get  the bo   oze and get      the fu   ck out   of   her   e,   okay?

F  r   ancis gets   on th   e phone.   He gestures tow   ar   ds the      booze.

SETH: We sh  o   uld ju   st grab   one of t   hese b   uckets and g   et o   ut o   f   here.

EVAN: Are you out of your mind? How are we gonna get a fuckin' bucket out of here?

Mark appro  aches Francis.

FRANC  IS: Hey, m   an.

MARK: What th  e fuc   k   do you think you   're doing?

FR  AN   CIS   : What are      … What? Nothing.

MARK: Y  ou usi   ng   my phone?

FRANCIS:  Wha   t's wron   g, Ma   rk?

MARK  : You   weren'   t invited. Get  the f   uck ou   t   of   here.

FRANCIS: Come on ,      Ma   rk. It's cool,  man.

MARK: You using my fuckin' phone? You calling your fuckin' friends again? FRA  NCIS:   Mark, com   e on. It’s fine.

M  ARK: You call   ing your friends, yo   ur fantastic f   rien   ds? Get the fuck ou  t of my house.

M  ark hangs up   the phone and   throws Francis ar   ound.

FRANCIS: Mark!

M  AR   K: Get the fuck out of my hou   se. Th  is is my house.

FRA  NCIS: Don't b   e such a dick, man!

SETH: What  th   e fuck?

Cut to o  utside the h   ou   se.

FRANCIS:  Mark   ! You really w  anna do this,   man?

M  ark   p   ushes Francis   ove   r.

MARK:  T   hat's right, m   oth   er   fucker.

MAN  1: Come on, puss   y.   Get up, dude.

Franc  is punches   Mark.

FRANCIS: Oh, shit. I'm sor  ry, bro. I'm sorry, bro. I'm s  o   rry, bro. Tiger got out  of the cage, man. All right? I'm sor  ry. Come on, Mark. Let's just chill. Everyone just chill out. Truce, man.

Ma  rk kicks Francis.

MAN 2: Right in the nads!

MARK: Thi  s   is f   or your friends. Here, h  ave   another one.

Cut inside the hou  ''se. Set  h and E      van run thro   ugh.''

EVAN: Oh,  shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Oh,     my God. W  hat do we do   ?

SE  TH: Come on. Come on.

EVAN  :   Ch   oose one. We can slip out the  b   ack, man.

SETH: Wait, wait, com  e on. We’re here, let's just hurry u  p and do th   is.

EVAN: Are you  crazy, man? You wanna end up     like that guy? Not me. I need my nuts, man, for a lot of things.

S  ETH: Well, we need this liquor.

EVAN: No, you need  it. I don't need it. I'm  just gonna tell Becca   how I f   eel, and then maybe she'll get with me. O  kay? I'm  not gonna   get her   drunk out   of her mind.

SE  TH: Oh, r   eally? Then how  come y   ou never   m   ade a move, you pussy?

EVAN: Beca  use I re   spect her  , Set   h. I   'm   n   o   t gonna put that ki   n   d of unfair pr   essure on   her, al      l   righ   t?

SETH:  I mea   n, com   e on, I just do   n't see   a pro   ble   m here. Let's j  ust do   it.

EVAN:  We're lea   ving, o   ka   y? The   se guys   could kill us,   man. You wanna get  kil   led for liquor?

SE  TH: No,   but I wou   ld get kille   d for   pussy, n   o questions asked.

EVAN  : Fuck this, man.

SETH: You're just gonn  a bail o   n me?

EVAN: I'm going.

SETH: Fuckin' bitch. CUT TO: EXT.  BAILEY’S   - EV   E   NIN   G

The cop car enters th  e   parking lot.

MICHA  ELS: Move, pe   o   ple. Thank yo  u.

SLATER: O  h  , I   lov   e this place.

T  he   y all get out   ''of the car. C  ut inside.''

FOGELL: What the hell is going o  n in there?

MIC  HAEL   S: If the bull   ets start flying, hit the deck.

They enter the  main room.

MAN 1:     You pissed everyw   here, you son   of   a bi      tch!

MAN 2: Everywhere? Yo  u didn't see   me pis   sing any   where.

MAN 1: Hey ,      sir, I   don't know what you're   ta   l   king   about.

MAN  2:   Take   your   nut   s   out of you   r shells   !

SLATER:  A   ll   right, Michaels,            I go   t your ba      ck. Why don't  you s   h   ow this rum      my ho   w we roll?

MIC  HA   ELS: 10-4. Excuse m  e, sir. Sto  p W   h   at   you are doing   at once.

MAN  2:      Blue guys!

The  man ru   ns away.   Chaos   ensues as      the   t   wo cops chase th   e   ma   n around.

MICHAE  LS: Resistin   g. Resis   ting! Slat  er!

SLATER  : Mic   haels! Everybody s  t   ay   calm. Everyb  ody stay c   alm. Get the fuck out  of my way! Stay calm! Fuck!

MICHAELS: Should I shoot him?

SLATER: No, no , no, no!

MICHAELS: Stop  h   im, McLovin!

SLATER: McLovi  n, stop him! Do it, do it, do it, do it!

Fogell stan  ''ds in front of the man. The fight  continues into the kitchen.''

FOGELL: Please stop it, you fuckin' bum. What the fuck? The man slips and  falls, becoming unconscious.   Slater an   d   Mic   haels enter.

MIC  HAELS:   McLovin   ! Nice!

FOGELL  : He just came   a      t me. I took him down.

SLATE  R   : I'   m buying you a be   e   r,   McLovin.

MICHA  ELS: I'm buying         you one   too. Al  l you guys, tak   e note. That's  how you take down a m   o   therfucke   r.

SLATER: That's right. McLovin in the fuckin' house!

CUT TO: IN  T.   M   ARK’S   HOU   SE - EVEN   I   NG

Seth wal  ks throu   gh t   he pa   rty.   He tries   to walk tow   ards the      be   er, but   a woma   n gets in   hi   s w   ay, and they begin da   ncin   g.

WOMAN:  Hey. Yo  u dance h   ot.

SETH:  Thank   you.

Cut outside     ''. Ev  an gets a call fro   m   Becca.''

EVAN: Okay,  o   kay. Here  we,   here   w   e go. Hello?

The call h  as b   ad c   onnection.      But   bet   ween Evan and sh   ots   o   f   Becca in   Ga   by   ’s   car.

BEC  C   A   : Evan, it's      Becc   a.

EVAN: Oh,  Be   cca. Hi.

BECCA: H     el   l   o?

EVAN  :   H   ello. Hey. Bec  ca. Be  cc   a.

BECCA: E  va      n,   c   an you h   ear m   e?   Hel   lo? Wh  at?

EVAN: Piece of shit! Guy sells me a piece of shit fuckin' phone. Becca?

BECC  A:   It   's Becca.

EVAN: I get one bar everywhere I fuckin' go.

BEC  CA:   It’s B   e   cc   a.

GIRL:  W   hat is   he say   ing?

EVAN: Fuckin' asshole. BE  CC   A: I think-

GIR  L:      What ha   ppene   d?

EVAN: Son-of-a-fuckin'-bitch phone company. BEC  C   A: What? It's rude. Hello?

EVAN:  Fuck. You suc  k. B   ullshit phone. Piece of  s   hit.

BECCA: Hello?

EVAN: I swear I'll bitch slap you so fuckin' hard. BEC  CA: What?

Th  ''e call ends. Cut  b   a   ck to the party   . S  eth and t   he w   oman dance to “Big Poppa” by Not      or   ious B.I.G. Afte   r a minute, t   he wo   man abruptly sto   ps dancing.''

WO     MAN: Thanks.

She walks away  .

SETH: This is fuckin' crazy. S  eth   steals a few be   ''ers. Cut to a man entering the par  ty with a case   o   f beer.''

MAN 1:  Hey. Look what f  ell out o   f the truck!

MAN  2: Y   ou're full of   shit.

MAN 1  : Yeah, I know. Du  d   e. Dude. We're s  o gonna get fucked   up.

SETH: Al  l right.

A man g  ets   Seth’s attent   ion.

MA  N 3: Hey. What is  that?

SETH: I d  on'   t know. What?

MAN 3: That fuckin' stain on your pants, idiot. What is that? SETH: W  hat are   y   ou t   alking   about, man?

MA  N 3: D   ud   e. Is t  hat blood?

SETH: What t  he   f   uck is   that?

MAN 3: Are y  ou bleeding   ?

SETH: I'm not c     ut or anyt   hing. Why  would I   be bleeding?

MAN 3: It's fuckin' blood, man. Were you dancing with some chick in there? SETH: Yea     h,   so   ?

MAN 3: It  's blood.

MAN 4     :   Dude,   th   at's      no   t funny.

MAN 3  : It   's blood, dude.

SETH: But why would I be bleeding? Why the fuck would I be bl- Dude, why would there be bl... Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. I'm gonna fuckin' throw up. Someone perioded on my fucking leg? M  AN 3: Oh,   shit.

SETH:  W   hat the fuck do I d      o?

MAN  4: I've never before se   en   th   at in my   lif      e!

SETH: This is  so disgusting.

MAN 3: Yes,  it is.

MAN 4: I'm  gonna go get   Bill. He's gotta check this shit o  ut.

MAN  3   : O   h, fuck,   yeah.

The m  an leaves to get Bill.

SETH: N  o. Who's Bill? Don't t  el   l Bill! Bill has nothing to do wit     h this!

MAN 3: Hey, c  alm down,      calm down. Le  t m   e get a picture o   f   that real   quick.

SETH  : No,   y   o   u can't have a picture! Du  de, stop!

MA  N 4: Bi   ll, Bill! C  h   eck it   out! This k  id's   got period bl   ood o   n his slacks.

SETH: I  t's   Merlo   t. That's   what you don't get.

MAN  4: Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's got period blood o  n   hi   s pants!

SE  TH: Please stop.

PAT: God, man, let me see. Oh, my God, that's a fuckin' man-gina, man. Seth runs away.

WOMA  N 1:   D   o you need a      tampon   ? I could-

WOMAN 2:  Wait, wait. I  have one! I have one!

SETH  : Y   eah, right? I don't know. I gotta wash this Me  rlot off. Is th  is the   line?

WOMAN 3: What does i  t look like?

SETH: Fuck me ,   right?

Seth opens the  door to the   basemen   t. Downstairs he spots th   ''e sink. Cut to Evan walki  ng   throug   h the pa   rty.''

CUT TO: INT.  BAIL   EY’S - EV   EN   ING

Fogell, the cops, and the  bartender watch t   he security tape of Foge   ll being assaulted.

MI  CHAELS: "Uh, yeah, I'   m McLovin. I'd like to buy som   e-" Oh! Shit.

MICHAELS: Rewind,  rewi   nd.

SLATER: Rewind  it. Yeah  ! So hot. Let's see it again.

M  ICH   AEL   S: Oh! Your legs lif  te   d   off the   ground.

SLATER: Oh, m  y God, t   hat   is bona fide badass     , man. You gotta keep  that   tape, McLov   in. It is bad  ass. It re  ally i   s.

FOGEL  L: Really? Well,     d   on't yo   u guys, li   ke, need      it for,   l   ike  , evidence   or...?

MICHAEL  S: The o   nly thing t   hat'   s evi   dence of is you can ta   ke a h   it lik   e   a champ, man. Se  riously. Take  that.

FOGELL: A  re the      re any   ladies we'd like to   show this tape   to?

MICHA  ELS: No. You don't  w   anna meet a   ch   ick in a      bar, man. Seriously. Tha  t was a   m   ajor tur   n   ing   point in my l   ife,   was when I r   ealized that. You gott  a go to o   ther p   laces. You go  tta

go to  a spin cla   ss, a farmers   ' market,   pumpki   n   pat   ch, given   the time o   f y   ear. Just somewhere social, non-t  h   reate   ning. You know, something  like tha   t.

SLATER:  Yeah, I   met the mis   sus at paintba   ll. Yeah, I shot her i  n the neck,      and we just, and we just hit it of   f, you know? My first w  ife, who         is a whor   e, by the way, where do y   ou think I met her? A  bar. A ba  r.

MICHAELS: It was th  is bar.

SLA  TER: It was this bar. Yeah, it  was t   his ba   r. Bought her a   B   inio   n's, co   mplimented her on her tote   bag, and ne   xt thing I k   now, s   he's putting her mouth   a   round the   tip of my   penis.

FOGELL: Y  ou   d   on't have to   tell m   e that.

MICHAELS: R  ight i   n there.

SLAT  E   R   :   S   he opened up my   wor   ld,   sexu   ally. On our weddin  g night, we had   gr   oup s   ex. I wasn't involved in  it. But I could hear  i   t   through t   he wall.

MI  CHAELS: I wa   s.

SLATER:  She was am   azing. And then it  was   exactly   23 mont   hs l   ater that I fou   nd out that she was an actual wh   ore.

MICHAELS: We d  iscovered her   on   the   street.

SLATE  R: Yeah.

FOGELL: I'm so  rry.

SL  ATE   R: She was bad. Fucking whoring  bitch.

MICHAELS: But you  go   t   a new   wife   now, so...

SLATER: Yeah. Ye  ah. And sh  e is wonderfu   l. Yeah,   yeah, yeah.

MICHA     EL   S: You'll mee   t her.

SLATER: Yo  u k   now   what? I bet I know your tri  ck, McLovin. You play th  e whole m   y   st-

WOM  AN ON PA   : Calling all u      ni   ts.

MICHAE  LS: Jus   t turn that o      ff.

MA  N ON PA: Send backup! T  h   ere's so   much blood-

SLATER:  I bet   you play the whole mysteriou   s   guy   thing  , right?

MIC  HAELS   : Y   eah,      seriously. H  ow's it goin   g with      the ladies?

FOG  ELL: It's not t   he   going with the ladies I ca   re a   b   out, it's the coming.

MI  CHAE   LS   : I get it.

SLATER:        What is   it? What is  it?

MICHAELS: Like-

MICHAELS: Like     coming.

SLATER: That's funny. Th  at is real   ly funny.

Slater imitat  es   the   sound of t   he PA.

SLATER: W  hoo! All right, lo  oks like we g   o   t a call. We can't pay for th  ese.

MICHAELS: 10-4, we  ’ll be right there.

SLA  TER: No ti   m   e, Speedy Gonzales,   l   et's go.

MICHAELS: We should get road bee  rs, huh?

SLATER: Yeah.

FOGELL: Hell, yeah,  we s   hould get   some road beers.

MICHAE  LS: Ca   n I have   13 beers to go,   please?

CUT  TO: INT.      MARK’S HOUSE - EVENING

Seth  tr   ies to clean the blood off of his pa      nt   s      in the basement.

SETH: Ple  ase. God, my  fucking leg.

He sp  ot      s   a fridge full of b   eer and tak   es so   me.

SETH: Fuck.

He sp  ots some   jugs of d   etergent n   ea   ''rby. He pours the dete  rgent out   i   nto the sink.   Cut to Evan   ente   ring   an empty room. He m  ak   es a call to Becca. Cut back  and f   orth between Evan and Becca in      Gaby’s car.''

BECCA: I think it  's h   im, sh   h. Uh, he  llo?

EVAN: Hey,     Becca. Hi, I h  ad a bad r   eception. So abo  u   t your   Gol   dslick.

BECCA: Guys,  sh   ut u   p.

EVAN: Hey, what's  going      on over   there?

BECCA: It's nothin  g.   It's just, I was just   calling, you kn   ow,   to see if   yo   u were comi   ng, bec      ause I th   ought may   be   you   we   re s   tuck a      t, like, a nigh   tclub,      or   a coc   kt   ai   l party or s   omet   hing.

EVAN: No    , no, I'm g   onna be   there for   sure. Full t  hr   ottle. Charlie's Ange  l   s   2.

Some men ente  r the room and   po   ur coca   ine on the table   .

BECC  A   : Awesome. I can't w  ait to see yo   u.

EVAN  : Okay,   bye.

BECC  A: Ev   an?

Evan  tri   es to leav   e, but one of the men   closes the d   oor.

MAN 1: That was the fir  st   time I ever did coke. Off that bitch's n  ipple. That was  so-

MAN 2: A     little whi   te snif   f.

MAN 1: T  h   at was   aweso   me. That was gorgeo  us.

MAN 3  : Hey,   hey, hey. You guys,  st   ay      in thi   s roo   m, man. They're  g   onna kill th   a   t guy t   onight. That chick  's bo   yfri   end      is pissed.

BI  LLY: Yeah. He  '   s a b   east.

BENJI: I've been praying for a fight. I'm literally waking up and praying to see a fuckin' fight. BI  LL   Y: Hey, he   y,   hey. Who's th  at   guy?

EVAN: Hi.

BE  NJI: Who is that guy? Who's this g  u   y?

EVA  N:   Pleasure to see   you   fell   as. Hi, everyone.

BENJI: Who a  re you?

EVAN: I'm nobody.

MAN 3: No, no,  no. I know you. I know you. He  was at   that   party,   the one I was telli   ng you about.

EVAN: No, no.

BENJI: Who is i  t?

MAN  3: Remember? He's  Jimmy   's brother. The g  uy. The singer.

B  ENJI: No s   hit.

MAN 3: H  e's the   guy wi   th the beautif   ul voic   e I was   tell   ing y   ou about!

BENJI: The fuckin' singer, Jimmy's brother!

E  VAN: That's not me,   man.

BENJI: Oh, my God.

MAN 3  :   Sing for us! S  ing.

BENJI: Oh, "It's not me?” You fuckin' lying?

EVAN  : No, I   don   't mean to ac   cuse y   ou guy      s of bein   g ill-informe   d,   b   ut-

MAN 3: My        brothe   r came   from S   c   ottsda   le, Arizona to be here t   onight. An     d you'r   e not gonna si   ng   for   him   ?

BENJI: Fuckin' bullshit. M  AN 1: Sing.

BENJI: You're a fuckin' singer. MAN 3: Y  ou s   ing. And you  sing good.

BE  NJI: Sing it again.

M     AN 2: Like a b   i   rd.

EVAN: No, I     know, I just, I want   to   -

MAN  3: Yo      u want a lin   e   of   cocaine?

EVAN: N  o      way,   man.

MAN 3: Yeah.

BIL  L   Y   :   Don't make this wei   rd. Sing.

MAN     3   : Sing it again.

BENJ  I: Turb   o.

C  '''UT TO: INT. COP C  AR - N   IGHT'''

Mi  chael’s blow   s into   a   breathalyzer.

SLATER: Fuck! O  ver!

MICHAELS  :   Okay, Watch      this. I'll get it right on th  e nos   e.

SLA  TER   : You're   gonna fuc   k i   t up. You're gonna fuc  k it u   p.

MICHAELS: U  nder! I f  e   el hammered. That  doesn'   t make any sense.

SLATER: You're a fuckin' pussy. MICHAELS  : Okay, okay. Gr  eat, gre   at. Oka  y,   Mc   Lovin, see      if you can do it.

SLAT  ER: The kid's gonna   nail      it. Co  me on, McLov   in. D  o it, buddy. Come  on, buddy! Bring it!

FOGELL: 0.08, muthafuckas! MICHAELS  :   Man!

SLATER: Th  at's my boy!

FOGELL: Yes!

MIC  HAELS:   Beginner's luc   k.   Beginner's   luck.

F  OGELL: So, what's it like to   have guns?

MICHAEL  S: It is awesome,   M   cLo   vin. I mean,  i   t's mind   bl-

SLAT  ER: It's g   re   at.

MICH     AELS: I h   a   ven't   had one for long, only a f   ew mont   hs, but I'   ll tell   you, it's   like having two cocks.

SLATER: Yup.

MICHAELS: I  f one   of your cocks c   ould   kill s   om   eone.

F  OGELL: Can I hold o   ne   ?

SLATER:  What?

FOG  ELL: Ca   n I hold   one of your   guns?

SLATER: Yeah,  sure.

M  ICH   AELS: Fine wi   t   h me. why not? Ev  eryone should hold   a gun at lea   st a c   ouple times.

Slater takes the cl  ip out of his   gun and ha   nds it to Fo   gell.

S  LATER: Yeah, there you go. Have a blast.

MICHAEL  S: "Have a   blast." That's funny.

FOGELL:  I'   ve never   held one o      f these befo   r   e. Ar   e they hard to sh   o   ot?

SLAT  ER: If you're Michael   s  , they are. He  can   't s   hoot wort   h d   ick.

MICHAELS: Wh  at   ? I  can sho   ot. Wha  t are you-   Wait. You h  onestly saying   I c   an't shoot   worth dick?

SLATER: You ca  nnot   shoot.

MIC  H   AELS: I shot tha   t cat last w   eek.

SLATER  : It w   as already dead, man.

MICHAEL  S: I stil   l shot it.

SLA  TER: Th   at cat was dead.

FOGELL  : There's   on   ly one way to settle th   is, gu      ys.

MICHAELS:  Sho   ot-off.

SLATER  : S   hoo   t-off.

MICHA  EL   S   : Sh   oot-off!

SLATER: Shoot-  o   ff!

CUT TO: IN  T. MARK   ’S HOUSE - NIG   HT

Se  th makes his w   a   y throu   gh   the party   .

MAN: Mar  k, Mark, that   ’   s   him,   Johnny Cash. Right  there.

SE  TH: O   h, yo   u got a stain too. We  're blood brother   s.

MARK: Sh  ut the fuck up. Where d  o   you get   off, dancing wit   h my f   iance?

SETH: No, I was  n’t danci   ng   wit   h her, I don't even   dance. So t  hat’   s      the thing, I've   never eve   n tried      it  , so it’s like we   ird that yo   u would t   hink that.

Cut to E  van sin   ging “   These Eye   s” by The Guess   Who   for   the men in the room.   The m   en provi   de the backing melody for h   im.

EV     A   N: These ey   es, cry every n   ight   for you. These arm  s, they long to   ho   ld you, hold you again. The hurtin     g's on me, yeah.

BILLY:  Talk a   b   out   the hurting.

EVAN: And I will never be free, n  o, no, no. You gave a pr  omise to m   e, yeah. And yo  u b   roke it, and   you broke it, honey. These eyes are c  rying. These e  yes have seen a lot   of loves. But  they're never gonn   a see another   one like I had with y   ou. Th  ese eyes are crying. Thes  e eyes have   see   n a lot of   loves. But they're never gonna s  ee a   nother one like I had wi   th   you.

A man  knocks on t   he door and hurriedly   en   ters.

MAN  1: Y   o, fight!

Eve  r   yone gets up   an runs out   of   the room.

MA  N 2: M   o   ve it, go!

C  ut   back to Ma   rk a   nd Seth.

MA  R   K: And   what the   hell   is   this?

SETH  :   I don't fucking-   It's   det   ergent!

MA  RK: Yea   h,   and w   h   at are   you doing with it?

SETH: I got fuckin' blood on my pants.

Mark sh  oves Seth backwards.

EVAN: G  et down.

Se  th and Ev   an duck as Mark t   hrows a bottle.   The bottle hits one of the men from the room.

MAN 1: What th  e fuc   k is this   all about,      man? Ar  e you-

Mark headbutt  s the      m   an.

MAN 2:  We   ll, fuck me.

A fi  ght breaks   ou      t.

EVAN: Fellas.

Ev  a   n gets sh   ove   d   under a m   an on t   he   c   ouch.

MA  N 3: Oh, shit  , I   've be   en tackled by little girl   s!

MARK: You  die! You're next!

M  a   r   k   charges Seth, but is   t   ackle   d by   the man he threw t   he bott   le a   t.

WOMAN: I  should fuckin      g kill you,   you   motherfucker!

She  hits Se   th with a   lamp.

MAN 1  :   H   old him, Jimmy's      brother! Ho  ld him!

EVAN: What do yo  u mea   n? No. No Way!

WOM  AN: Yo   u humiliat   ed me!

SETH: I'm sorr  y!   You      used my leg as a   tampo   n!

WOMAN: I'm  calling the   cops.

She walks  ''away. Evan is  freed f   rom the couch   .''

SETH: Eva  n!   Come on! Mo  ve! O  h, fuck. Oh, fuck.

They run  ''out of the house. Ma  r   k’s fi   ance c   alls the police.''

WOMAN: Y  eah. Fif  th and Paysview. Hurr  y. Mark, I   ca   lled the cops. You  sh   ould h   ide y   our gu   n.

CUT TO: EX  T. COP   CAP - NIGHT

Slater and Michaels are hav  ''ing a shoot-off. Michaels aims at  a s   top sign while Slater tries   to psych h   im out   .''

SLATER: You're a fuckin' pussy. FO  GELL: Don't listen to him  , of   fi      cer.

SLA  TER: If yo   u make this,   we're no longer friends,      Mi   chae   ls.

FOGEL  L: Shh, ch   eat   ing.

SLATER: You're a fuckin' pussy.

FO  GEL   L:   Y   ou're      cheat   ing.

Michael  s hi   ts t   he stop   sign.

SLATER:  Fuck me.

M  I      CHAE   LS: O   h, suck on my nuts, S   late   r   !

SLATE  R: All   r   ight, you… Tha   t   was   a lucky sh   ot. Th  at was   a lucky shot. I  got jizzed on. A  ll rig   ht.

F  OGELL:   Can I sh   oot   one   ?

M  ICHAELS: Ye   a   h, go nuts. Go nu  t      s.

SLATER  :   Have a good time, m   an. Empty the clip. Empty  the   cli   p o   n   it, man. Shit! The cops!

Befo  re      Fogell gets a c   hance t   o fire,      the trio hears si   rens near   by.   They run to the car.

MICH  A   ELS:   Bail! Bail  ! Bail! Shotgu  n, s   hot   gun!

FOGELL  :   Damn it!

MICHAELS: Woah! Sh  otgu   n.

They drive  a   way.

FOGELL: Wh  at a rush.

MICHAELS:  W   hat do you g   uys wanna do?

S     LAT   ER: Oh,   man  , le   t   's get drunk!

MICHAELS: Let's     ge   t more fucke   d      up!

SLATER: You're fuckin' living the dream, Michaels! MIC  HAELS: Oh, m   an.

SLA  TER: Th   is is gon   na      be the best   night e   ver.

WOMA  N ON   PA: Go   t a   257 at Fifth and Pay   sv   iew.

SL  AT   ER: Shit.

WOMA  N: All   un   its i   n th   e a   rea report to Fift   h   and Paysvie   w. Car 98, that   's   you. Do it.

MI     C   HAELS: Fuck.

SLATER: Shit. Car 98 on it. You dumb fuckin'...

GELL: Hey, did she say we're gonna get to shoot somebody or something?

SLATER:  O   h  , God, I wish. It's p  robably som   e   l   ame house p   arty. We'll  dro   p y   ou off after. Is     that cool?

FOGELL: Yeah,  man. Let's show  these   fuckers   how we r      oll!

CUT TO:     EXT   '''. STREET - N  I   GHT'''

Seth and  Eva   n      g   et far enough   a   w   ay to stop r      un   nin   g.

SETH: You fuckin' prick. E  VA   N: What?

SE  TH:   Y   ou ba   il   ed on   me.

E  V   AN: I did   n   't b   ail o   n   you.

S  E   TH:   Y   eah, you   di   d. You sa   i   d you   were         gonna do s   omething   a   nd you d   idn't   do   it. That's b  aili   n   g.

EVAN: You're the one that dragged me to that fuckin' party with those lunatics, man. I didn't bail on you.

SETH  : You bailed on me, okay? You b  a   i   l      ed on me this m   orning When   Jess   e   spat on me. And you're b  ai   ling   on me ne   xt year.

EVAN: What  the   f   uck? It finally comes out. That's go  od, man.

SET  H: We   were supposed to go to co   l   lege together, E   van. Since we were li  ttle   kids,   sinc   e elementary s   c   hool, that's all we've ever talk   ed ab   o   ut, was us goi   ng to c   ollege toget   her. A  nd you go   t into   fuckin   g   D   artm   outh.

EV  AN   : Yo   u're   makin   g   me feel like I'm a bad guy. Wha  t      am I...   I d   idn't   do an   yth   ing wrong. I got  into a goo   d sc   hool.

SETH: How  the   f   uck   am I   supposed      t   o get into Dart   mouth? You  knew      I coul   dn't get      int   o   D   artmouth.

EVAN: How fuckin' selfish are you? You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there, you obviously don't want me going to a good school.

SETH: F  uck, m      an!

EVAN: So,  wh   at   the fuck do y   ou   want? I'm not gon     n   a   let you slow   me   d   own anymore,   S   e   th.

SETH:  W   hat ar   e you say   ing   ?

EVAN: I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking bullshit with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends l've just sat around wasting all my time with you. And now because of you I'm going to college a fuckin' friendless virgin. SETH: Is this a  b   out Becca? This is about som  e g   irl, man?

EVAN: I like her!

SETH: Who gives a fuck? She's some fuckin' girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that? EVAN: Fuck you, man, you're  a piece of   shi   t.

SETH: F  uck y   o   u! A   nd next tim   e you're pissed of   f about   somethi   ng do   n't keep it   ins   ide   for 10 years, say it like a fucking man!

S  eth   sh   oves Evan   .

EVAN: Don't touch  me.

SETH: Fuck you!

“These  Eyes”   by The Guess Who p   lays on the r   adi   o as we cut to t   he cop car.

SLATER:  Hey, Mc   Lovin,   are the numbers   o   n your side odd or ev   en?

FOGELL:  I   don't   know. It's too dark  to   see.

MICHAELS  : We g   ot flashlights.

SL  ATER   : Oh, that's tr   ue.

MICHAELS: Bing. Wh  ere the   fuck   ar   e we? Hey,  S   later.

SLATER: W  hat'   s that?

Mi  chaels   i   mitates   a l   ight saber n   oise   and shines hi   s      flashli   ght towards Slate      r.

MI  CHAELS:   Sl   ater.

They pr  eten      d to have a ligh      t saber duel.

SLATER: N  ow, y   o   ung      Michaels, you will die. Al  l rig   ht. Come on, stop it. I ca  n't   see.

MICHA  ELS: You can’t see?

SLATE  R:   I   can't see. Fuck i  t.   Y   ou   like   it   ? How  yo   u li   k   e it?

MICH        AELS: H   e   y, fuck   off,   that hurts.

SL  A   TER:   You   stop   first.

MICHAEL  S: Not   gonna stop unt      il   you sto   p.

SLA  TER:   Stop it.

MI        CHAEL   S: Stop it,      asshole.

SLAT  ER   : Hey, you stop.

SETH: Fuc  k you,      Evan!

EVAN: Don't fuckin' touch me. E  van   pushes Seth   into the str   eet   .   The c   op car pa   sses by and hit   ''s him. Slater and Michaels scre  am. Eva  n w   alks over to S   eth.''

M  ICHAELS: Why d   id   you do that?

FOG  ELL: Oh, my   God. Ar  e you guys   gon   na make sure      he's okay?

SL  ATE   R: G   o out ther   e   and   check on hi   m.

MICHAELS: You  chec   k.

SLATER:  Y   ou go out there a      n   d check   on   him.

MICH  AELS: Fuc   k t   hat. You g  o.

SLATER: Bal  ls. Ok  ay  , We'll both   go out there and check on him.

M     ICHAELS: I ca   n'   t b   elieve this i   s   happening agai   n. What a   re the   odds   ?

Both cop  s   g   et out of the car.

SLATER: Is everyone okay?

SET  H   : Y   eah, We're gr   ea   t, thanks.

SLATER: Hey, hey,  Where's th   e lo   ve?

EVAN: He's okay. He  's fine.

SLATER: St  an   d righ   t n   ext to your f   riend. Get over th     ere.

M  ICHAELS:   I got them.

S  L   ATER: You got thes      e gu   ys?

Sla  ter dips   his   finger   in   som   e booze Se   th spilled.      He li   cks   it off his fi   ng   er.

S  LA   TER: You boys   doin   g a   bit of drinking tonig   ht?

EVAN:  No,   officer. Not at all. Not, we…

SETH:  We   found those.

SLA  TER:   I don't belie   ve you. Freeze. Stand  right   ther   e.

EVA  N: We're tell   ing the tr   uth.

SLA  TER   : Y   eah, keep it goi   ng. Don't be  a   hero tonight, guys.

MICH  A   ELS:   W   ro   ng   night   for that.

The cops  wal   k   aw   ay and talk   quietly to eac   h oth      er.

SLATER: Yeah, do wha     t you h      av   e to do.

Michaels gets in t  he   c      ar with Fogel   l. Slate   r   stays o      u   ts   ide and points his   gun a   t Se   th and   Ev   an.

SLATE  R: Spread   your shi   t!   Ge   t on the gr   ound! Lo  aded gun, re   a   dy to   go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, f  ellas. Come on!

EVAN: P  lease don'   t shoot, sir.

SLATER:  "Please   don't   sho   ot." Shut up and spread your shit! I am the l  aw! Ok  ay? Now hold h  an   ds.

SE  TH: What? Why?

SLATER: Because you don't want an asshole where your face used to be, Whaling Jennings. Hold his fuckin' hand!

EVAN:  Fucking hol   d my hand.

SLAT  ER: T   here. Tha  t   's not so hard,   is   it?

Cut t  o   Michaels and Fo      gell.

MICH  AE   LS:      Here, McLovin,   have a cig   are   tt   e. S   moke up. Life  '   s   short, yo   u know? S  uck it in, my   fr      iend. S  uck   it l   ong a   nd d   eep. En     joy i   t. McLovin, McLovin, McLov   in,   M   cLovin. You like  Off   icer Slate   r an   d   myself?

FOGELL: Y  eah,   yo   u gu   ys, y   ou g   uys are awe   some.

MICHA  ELS:      Than   ks. We really lik  e you to   o, McLovin. So  he   re's what's   ab   out to happ   en. We  '   re gonna arrest t   he   se two   g   uys, and yo   u're gon   na write a w      itness r   eport saying t   hey   leapt in f   ront of   o   ur car l   ike mad   men and there w   as   nothing we co   uld do to avoid   h   i   tting   them. Sound cool?

FOGEL  L   : Ye   ah, that's fine.

MICHAELS: Goo  d.

Cut back out  side   the car.

SLA  TER: That's good. Pretend he's  y   our little siste   r. Your little sister with t      he…

Slater say  ''s some gibberish. Michael  s gets out of the car. After a seco  nd, Fogell get   s out too.''

SE  TH: What the fuck?

Cut to slow  motion as Ev   an and Seth look up to   s   ee Fogell flick   his cigarette   awa   y. He loo   k   s at t   hem   i   n shock.

SET  H: Fagell?

E  van gets up and sprin   ts   away   .

MICHA     ELS   : Shit!

SLAT     ER: S   h   it!

Both co  ''ps run after Evan. Seth  gets up   .''

SETH: Run! Run!

F  OGELL: Wait. H  old on,   I   gotta g   et   all the booze. Seth, Wait up  !

Seth and Fogel  l   run the other way with the bo   oze.

SL  ATER: McLovin   bailed! Chase  the kid!

Slater runs to the car.

MICHAELS: Stop!

Mi  chaels   continues   ''to chase Evan. Slater ki  cks out the broken windshie   ld.   Micha   els gets tired out chasing Evan.''

MICHA  ELS:   Tha   t was a fas   t kid.

Slater spe  eds away, havin   g   ejected the drunk bum   from the   car.

MA  N: I want a ride   ! You h  ear   me? You  can't unarre   st me! Stop!

Seth and Fogell  run dow   n the   s   treet.   Slate   r turns on the street.

SLAT  ER:   McLovin!

SETH: Come  on.

S  e   th and   Fogell escape   down a      back s   treet   i   nto so   meone’s bac   kyard.

S  LATER      :   Mc   Lovin! McLovi  n! W   hy? McLo  vin  , come back!

Seth trips ove  r the t   ent of   som   e children ca   mping in th   e   ir backyard.

GIRL 1  : My hand! Monster  !

Fogell ho  ps the fence with   the      booze.

BOY: Ni  cole! Nicol  e,   ge      t daddy! Get d  a   ddy   !

GIR  L 2:   Ge   t   Daddy!

FOGELL:     Oh, s      hit.

MAN  : Get   awa   y from   my kids! You     s   ick s      ons of bitches!

The fa  ther   of   the      childr   en   throws a bat,      hi   tting   Se   th.

SE  TH: Ow! What  the fu   ck?

Se  th an   d Fo   g   ''ell escape. Cu  t   to   Slate      r. He finds Micha   els on the sid   e o   f the road throwin   g up.''

SL  ATER   : Michaels  , are you okay?

MIC  HAELS:   It's just b   eer.

SLATER:  O   h, give me a brea   k.

MICH  AELS: It's just beer.

S  LAT   ER:   M   an up. What happ  ened? What, d  i   d you lose him?

M  ICHAELS: He   '   s a freak. He's the fa  stest kid a   li   ve.

SLATER: This is  not good.

MICHAELS: He's th  e   fas   te   st   kid alive.

SLATER:  Fastes   t kid aliv   e, my ass. Come on. Wh  at are   we gonna do?

MICHAE  L   S: I   'l   l shoo   t my gun in the   air.

He shots  onc   e in the air.

SLATER: Give me a fuckin' warning before you do it. MICHAELS: I'll  scare   him   out of   wh   erev   er he'   s h   id   ing.

SLATER: Thi  s isn't gonna   d   o shit.

MICH  AELS: Shh.

SLAT  ER   :   Get in the car.

MICHAELS  : Shh.

SLATER: Get in the  car. This is y  our fault, you piece of-

Michaels  ''fires again. Cut to Evan     hidin   g.''

EVAN: Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. They shot Seth. They fuckin' shot Seth, I know it. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Eva  n le   aves his   hiding   place, meeting u   p   wi   th   Seth an      d Fogell.

E  VAN: Sh   ould      I run?

SETH: Yes.

Th  e trio ru   ns do   wn   t   ''he street. C  u   t to them ap   proaching a   bus.''

EVA     N: Fuck.

FOGELL:  Stop! S  top   th   e b   us! Stop it!

EVAN: It's stoppi  ng. It's  stopping.

T  he get on the bu   s.

FOGELL: Oh,  thank God. Hey , Evan, pay   for m   e, please.

EVAN: That's me and him.

The bum from e  arli   er is   ''on the bus. He confronts them.''

MA  N: Hey, hey. It's you. M  cMuffin.

SETH:  You know this guy?

MAN: A  in't got no co   p peop   le to help you keep your booze now, do you?

SET  H: Hey! Back the fuck up, man,  or I   'll beat the s   hit out   of yo   u.

MAN: Gi  ve me the booze.

S  witch   to slow motion as the   bum   grabs the Golds   l   ick   Vo   ''dka. He and  Seth strug   gle.''

SETH: H  ey! Ba     c   k the fuck u      p. Ba   c   k the fuck up. Back the fu  ck   up.

E  VAN: Pl   ease  , please,   calm do   wn   , si   r.

The  Goldsli   ck goes   fl   ying.

E  VAN:   Goldslick.

Evan fails to cat  ''ch it. It crashes on th  e   fl   oor.   Switch back   to normal speed   .''

DRIVER: Get off the  bus or I   'm c   a   lling the cops.

T  he trio   gets   of   f the bus.

FOGELL:  E   a   t shit  , b   u   m. Oh,   s   hit,   guys. We'  re th   ree      blocks a   way,   man. We m  ade it. We     m   ade it Wit      h the booze and e      veryt      hin   g. We made it.

SETH: Hold t  his. I c  an'   t b   elieve you still ha   ve th   e   liquor. That's awesome.

FO  GELL:      Yeah,   man  , I tol   d you the idea would w   ork. I  fooled th   ose cop   s. I'm   McLovin. W  hoo! I  am McLovin. Why  do you   guy   s have   detergent?

EV  AN:   Fogell, I   do   n't   understand why you were   smo   king c   i   garettes with those cops.

The  trio begins t   o head to th   e pa   rty.

FOGELL: Because I fuckin' rule. Oh, we are so gonna get laid tonight. S     ETH: I   am. I'm gonn  a get lai   d.

FO     GELL   : We're finally gonna get o      ur   drinks on. Chica , chica, ye   ah.

C  ut to th   em ap   proaching Jules   ’s      house.

EVAN: I  can't beli   ev   e Becc   a's bo   t   tl   e brok   e.

FOGE  LL: I   'm   sure it'll be fine.

EVAN:     Y   eah.

SETH:  I thought   you didn   't n   eed it   anyways. You were  gonna   t   ell h   e   r how you   feel.

EVAN: Okay,  well, good luck getting Jules   d   runk enough to have sex with you.

FOGELL: What'  s Wr   ong   With you guys?

SETH:  Noth   ing. You two femmes can talk  about it   next yea   r at your lit   tle      slumber   party.

FOGELL:  Oh, you t   old   hi   m.

SETH: Tol  d me what?

EVA  N: Yeah. You're an idio  t, Fogell.

They stop  walking.

FO  GE   LL: We   ll, we gott   a tell him n   ow.

EVAN: No,  we...

FOGELL  : Well,   he kno   ws somethin   g's up.

EVAN: Fogell...

SETH: What are you guy  s   talkin   g about   ? Tell me rig  ht now.

FOGEL  L: Seth, me and Eva   n are   ro   omin   g   to   gether next y   ear at coll   ege. What's th  e big deal? "Oh,  my G   od, Fogel   l's room   ing With Evan." J  eez, Why   don   't you go cry abo   ut   it?

EVAN: I d  idn'   t tell you because I  , I th   o      ught-

SETH: Becaus  e y   o   u're a bac   ks   tab   ber, a   nd you li   ed to   y   ou   r   bes   t fr   iend, a   nd you   only wa   nt to ha   n   g   out with Fogell, and you j   ust      don   't   care an   ymore? I didn  't e   xpe   c   t t   his from   you, Eva   n. Not      from you. Gi     ve me t   hat booze,      Fagell.

Seth  takes the   booz   e   and ente   rs th   e party.

F  OG   ELL: We   never sh   ou   ld have had to h   ide o   ur arr   ange   ment.

''Cut inside the party. Evan     wa   lks through th   e crow   ds of peo   p   le.''

GIRL:  Seth's here.

J  ULES: Set   h, you'   re her   e. Hi. Ev  e   rybo   d   y, Seth has got it.

Everyon  e che   ''ers. Jules le  ads   Seth   thro   ugh   the party to t   he   kitchen   .   Cut to   the backyard.   G   ab   y   ap   proaches E   van.''

GAB  Y: Evan.

EVAN  :   Ga   by  , hey.

GABY:  Where   have y      o   u bee   n? You almost b   le   w it.

EVAN  : W   hat are you talki   n   g ab   out?

GAB  Y: Becca. Sh  e's be   en waitin   g. She   '   s   over there. She's  wa   y sma   s      hed. And she'  s been   yammering   abou   t yo   u all night.

EVAN:  Rea   lly? W  hat w   as she saying? She     told   you tha   t she thinks I'm a good      guy?

GABY: No, n  o. She said som   ething more like, "I will f   ully blow   him tonight   ."

EVAN: What?

G  ABY: I kn   ow. Yeah.

EVAN: Bu  t she's totally   hamme   red,   and if I   get   w   ith her   and   I'm   not drunk  , isn   't   that like   une   th   ical?

GABY: Oh,  not if y   ou're d   r   unk t   oo.

EVAN:  I   guess not.

C  ut         back in the hou   se.

GU  Y 1:   To   Seth.

ALL: To  Seth!

They  all dri   n   k.

SET  H: All right.

GU  Y 2: Who   the   fuck i   s S   eth?

SETH:  I'm Se   th! Let's  do ano   ther on   e      to me.

Seth and Ju  les   smile   ''at each other. Cut t  o   Evan en   tering a bathro   om with some alcoho   l   .''

EVAN  : Oh, boy. Calm down. C  alm down, m   an. Cal  m down. She likes you. She     wants to suck on your penis. It's     a good thing. It's the best th  ing. Just down t  he hatch.

He tr  ie   s to swig some alcohol b   ut spits      ''it out everywhere. C  ut to Fo      gell. He sees Nicola dancing.     Cut betwe      en shots of   him s   eeing her earlier   in t   he day. He approaches her.''

FOGELL:  Fogel   l. Wha   t's up?

They s  t   art da   ncing   with each ot   ''her. C  ut to Seth telli   ng   the story of his   d      ay to so   me people   .   Cut to Evan gag   ging i   n the b   ath   room, then back   to Fogell      dancing, and back to Set   h having   fun at the party. F  inally, cut   to Evan approa   ching Becca   o   utside.''

BECCA: Evan,  he   y. Evie, c   ome here. Can you pleas  e   help m         e up? I fel  l down and   n   one of the   s   e      assholes wil   l hel   p me   up. Shi  t.

He helps  her u   p.

E  VAN: B   ecca.

BE  CC   A: I   ha   ve been waiti   ng f   or   y   o   u for  , li   ke, ever. Wh  at too   k yo   u   so   l   ong?

EVAN  : I know, it,   I c   an’t e   ve   n-

BEC  CA: Do   y   ou have my Gol   dsl   ic   k?

E  VAN: Oh, it's   suc   h a cr   azy      story, o   kay? I swear I  wa   s try-

BECCA:  It   doesn't ev   en m   atter. Loo  k. Loo   k what we, we   ca   n just   dri   nk this. Here.

EVA     N: Oh, no.

BECC  A: You   co   uld have a drin   k.

EVAN:  You   kn   o   w what, I'   m already pret   ty wa   sted.

BECCA: T  ake a      drink.

EVAN:  Ok   ay, here'   s to you. This is to Becc     a.

BECCA: To Becca.

EV  AN   : To   the respecting-

BECCA: Guy  s.

EVAN:  Women. To people resp  e   cting wo   men.

He takes a  sip and gags.

B  E   CCA: O   kay. Yeah. You're  a      lig   htweight. Um,  hey. You and me,  we   should go upstairs, because  ,   um, be   cause I ne   ed   to   t   ell you so   mething. Okay?

EVA  N: You cou   l   d      just tel   l me here,   I mea   n.   ..

BECCA: I can't  tell you, bec   ause it   's a secret for yo   u from      me.

As t  hey t   alk,   Becca’s friends li   ste   n in   beh   ind them.

EVAN: All r  i   ght.

BECC  A: S   o come. C  ome on. Okay. Bye,  gu   ys.

GABY: Bye.

GIRL:  Bye-bye.

GA  BY: By   e.

Becca  l   eads   E   van   ''through the party. They     p   ass   Foge   ll and Nicola   .''

NI  CO   LA   :      You changed your   name t   o McLov   in? Wow. That's so  cool.

FOGELL:  Thanks.

NICOLA: So, l  ik   e, what's   Hawaii like?

F  OGELL:   Hm   ?

Cut     to Jules approaching Seth         .

JULES: All right. I am bac  k.   I h   ad to   t   hank   the p   eeps for coming   out,   yo   u know.

SET     H: Jules. I wa  nt   yo   u to ha   ve a drink with m   e. Just dri  nk som   e of th   is. You're gon  na love it. You're t     o- I know you're gonna love it.

JULES: You know, l-

SETH  : It's gr   een beer. For your i  nfo   rmation.

J  ULES: You know what  , I'm actual   l   y goo   d right   now. But  th   ank you. And thank you v  ery   muc   h f   or bringing everyt   hing, again. Serious  ly, it r   eally mad   e the nig   ht,   so.

SETH: No, th  at   '   s how I roll. That'  s the   thin   g.   It's no pro   blems. You'll le  arn      th   a   t. I love t   alking   an   d   co   nversing with you. But I c  an't   hear you, th   ough, because   the   musi   c is so loud. So d  o you wanna go ou   tside      an   d talk mor   e?

JU  LES: Um. Yeah. Sorry, sure. Y  ou kn   ow, why not? L  et's   do it. I h  av   en't con   versed in   ages.

S  ETH:   O   kay. Ladies, lad  ies fi   rst.

The  y   go to the   back      d   oor.

JULES: Ok  ay. T  hank you      ver   y much.

SETH: No problem. Watch y  o   ur step. I f  ell e   ar   l   ier today.

JU  LES: You se   rious?

S  ETH: Well,   I   wa   s hit by   a car. I     t's a   long   sto   ry.

The  go   outside.   Cut to Eva   n and   Becc   a ent   er   ing   a      bedroom.

BECCA     :   Oh,   sh   it. Care  f   u   l.

EVAN: So l  oud. Don  't let th   e   par   ents   hear. You l  o   ok so pre   tty. Are you okay?

BECC  A: I so flir   t   with you   in math.

EVAN: Tell  me   a   bout it. I, sam  esie   s. I've wa   nted      to tell you for   so   long that yo   u   'r   e   the best girl.

BECCA  : I kn   ow. I've wanted to  g   et with you, l   ike, so hard. Lik  e so hard.

She  pushe   s him onto t   he bed.

EVAN: Yo  u're the   best.

B  ECCA: We'll take      this sweate   r off. I think so.

EV  AN: Just be c   ar   ef   ul, beca   use it   's a meaningful   s   weater   to me. It's vint  age.

B  ECCA: Okay.

E  VAN: Bou   ght it   at   that vintage   mar   ket.

She ta  kes his swe      ater   off   .

BECC  A:   J   ust   hurry. And  this   one.

EV  AN: I   t'      s off. He  y, wait, careful.

B  E   CCA: O   h, shit.

EV  AN: Oh, my.

H  e   gets his s   h   i   rt o   ff.

BECCA: P  ut that   th   ere. No  w  , looky, lo   oky. ..

EVAN:  O      kay. Oh my gosh.

BECCA: W  h      at   I   g   ot for you under here.

E     VAN: You are the pr   ettiest gir   l   this s   ide of the   Mis   siss   ippi.

BECC  A: I   have a little   someth   ing f   or y   ou   under he   r   e.

She ta  kes her   s   hirt off.

EVAN: You loo  k      so p   re   tty. Look so p  re   tty.

BE  C   CA: Under there. Hello. F  or y   ou.

She     d   runkenly swirls a      round and t   hr   ows her s   hirt o   n him.

EVA  N:   You   're   the best. You  're s   o unique.

BE  CC   A: Come her   e.

EV  AN: I l   ike you      so   much.

They start mak  in   g out   again.      Cut to Nicola a   nd      Fogell making the   ir way upstairs.

NICOLA  : Come o   n, McLovin. I'  ve never been   with an o   lder guy before.

FOG  ELL: Well, it's w   ay   bett   er.

Cut to J  ules and Se   th ou   tside.

JULES:  I k   now, we   made   some kick   -ass   tir   a   mis   u earlier. It wa  s deli… it      looked   weird,   but   it was deli   ciou   s.

Seth kis  se   s   her.   She pushes hi   m away.

SE  TH:   Woah. What? Wh  at   's w      rong?

JULES:  I ju   - um... I      would prefer if we   would      j   ust d      o that at, um… at some   o   ther   time.

SET  H: No, there i   s no othe   r time. S  chool   is up. What's wr  ong   with right now   ?

JULES:  Well,   I mean, you   're      ... You'r   e drunk. You're, l  ike,   real   ly, really   dru   nk.

S  ETH: S   o? You're drunk. Y  ou'r   e drunk, Jule   s.

JU  LES: Yea   h, I'm   actua   lly, I'm not drunk at all. I don't     even drink  ,   so it's, I mean. ..

SETH: Jules, y  ou drink. Yo  u drink. Everybody. .. You ,   you had me g   et li   quor, so   you drin   k. It's like   ...

JULES     :   Well, yeah, becau   se   I'm th   rowing a party  , r   emember? O  ther pe   opl   e drink and   so   I just   ...

SE     TH: Yo   u… You don'   t w      a   nna, y   ou know?

JU  LE   S:   Not, uh,   r   ight   now. You know,  not   while   yo   u'   re drunk. But, y  ou know  , thank yo   u.

He wal  ''ks away. Cut to Evan and     Becca making out upsta   irs.''

BE  CCA   : E   van. Evan, I'm so We  t.

EV  AN      : Oh, yeah. They said t  hat woul   d happen in health     , when I learned   a   bout it.

BECCA:  Yeah.

EVAN:  Y   e   ah. They taught m  e a   bout- Oh!

BE  CCA: Who's do   wn   there?

EVAN: Y  eah, it's yo   ur hand. Th  a   nk you,      that's good.

BECCA  : You   have s   uch a smooth cock.

EVAN:  Th   ank         you. You w  ould too if y   o   u were   a man. But you got suc  h a   s      mo   o   th chest.

BECCA  : I am gonn   a give you the best blo   w-J ever with   my   mouth.

EVAN:  Why   don't we,   why   don't we just   k   iss a while? W  h   y don't we ke   ep   kissing for a   bit, inste   ad of-

BE  CCA: How bad   l   y do you wanna fuck m   e   ?

EVAN: Jesus Christ. Jesus,  fuck. Ha  ng on a   sec, one   second.

He gets u  p.

BE  CCA: Wh   at?

EVAN: Becc     a, I don'   t th   ink you wanna do this. You're real  ly dr      unk.

BECCA:  No, I'm not. I am no  t   drunk.

EV  AN   : I see that yo   u a   re. I think you are.

BECCA: An  d   I re   all   y, I want you ins   ide m   e. I want y   ou to be my firs   t. I want   you inside   me. So just,  just go with   it. Let     it happen.

EVAN:  I know, bu   t, B   ecca, this is kind of intense. And  I just, I'm so   drunk. I ca  n't   even, like, proces   s      this. And yo  u'r   e reall   y pretty. An  d I just think this isn't   how I   picture   d it.

BECCA: I don't  unde   rstand why yo   u have to be such      a little bitch about it.

EVAN:  Did you just call me   a bitch?

BECCA: Yes, a s  cared-

EVAN: See, I , like,   I think we're   not t   hinking clear-

She        throws up on the bed.

EVAN  :   Holy   shit. Oh ,   my God.

BECCA: Go  ge   t Gab   y.

He gets up and puts  his clothes on.

EV  AN: I'll go   get her.

B  ECCA:   Oh  , God. Oh, God. Go get Gaby,  ple   ase.

C  ut to Fogell and Nicola ma   k   ing out.

FOGELL: I got a boner.

NICO  LA   : Good. Do you have a co     ndo   m?

FOG  ELL   :   Yes. And lube.

Cut ba  ck o   utside   ''. Jules approaches Se  th.''

JULES: Se  th   ? Ar  e...   Are you   crying   ?

SETH: No, I just h  ave something in both   my eyes. I don't        cry. That's funn  y.

JULES: You loo     k   ... You loo   k  , It loo   k   s like yo   u're   crying.

SETH: So... It wa  s   my last      chance   and   I fucked   it   u   p and-

JULES:  Yo   ur last ch   ance to do wh   at   ?

SET  H: To make   yo   u   my girlfriend   for t   he   summer. You  're, li   ke,      the coolest person t   hat's ever tal   ked      t   o me. I thought w  e'd both   be      drunk.

JUL  ES: What does me being drun   k ha   ve   an   ything to do with i   t?

SE  TH: You'd   never get with me   if   you were   sob   er. L  ook at you. Look at me.

J  ULE   S: Seth, come on, you di   dn't blow      it. I think  maybe-

He falls o  v   er   o   n the ground, hitting Jules o      n the way   down   .

JULES: What th  e fuck?

SETH: He  lp me.

JULES:  Ow! Shi  rley.

SE  TH:   I'm sorry.

Seth not  ices t   he      cops arrive.

MICHAEL  S: S   omeon   e   f   or   got to call pest co   ntrol.

SLATER: Yep.

MICH  A   ELS: W   her   e you goin   g?   H   ey, party's still         on. Wh  ere yo   u going, guys?

SETH  :   Oh, no.

MICHAE  LS   : If   yo   u're b   ac   k there  , ge   t out. Every  one, com   e      on.

SLA  TER: W   e   wil   l shoot   you.

MICHAE  LS: Party's ov   er.

SETH: Ev  an.

MICHAELS: Ge  t   the he   ll   out   of here. Keep  your hands   up.

Cut t  o Evan and Mirok   i   on the couch dri   nking   .

EVAN: L  ife's b   ul   l   shit,   Miroki.

He passes  the bottle      to Miroki   ''. Seth find  s h   im.''

SET     H: Ev, Wake the      fuck up  , man. We g  otta go. Th  o   se   fucking cops are   h   ere, man.

Th  ere   ’s a   k   nock on the   doo   r. Someon   e opens it   to revea   l Sla   ter and Mi   c   ha   els.

SLA  TER: "Oh,   no, it's   th   e co      ps." We have a complaint.

SET  H      : Evan  , come on.

MICHAELS: Ge  t th   e   hell out of   here right n   ow.

SLATE  R: G   et   out of   here     , pal. Sh  e's   not interested.

MIC  HAELS: Dro   p the crant   ini and   move it,   sis   ter.

SLA  TER: See y   ou, sugar tits. Guys,  c   ome on, move.

Seth picks up  Ev   an   an   d carries him through the   party.

MI  CHAELS:   Everybody ou   t.   Leav   e the b   ooze and go.

SETH: Wha  t the   fu   ck,   m   a   n?

GIRL: What th  e   fu   ck  , Set   h?

SETH:  He's my b   est friend.

H  e dr   ops   Evan.

SETH: Oh, sh  it. Oh, shi     t. Come   on.

MICHAELS:     I ass   u   me   you   all ha   ve guns and   cr   ack.

S  E   TH: Oh, my God, come   on. Don't  stop.

He p  icks Evan bac   k up and ma   kes his way out t   h   e house.

MICHAELS: Okay, e  veryone, prepare to be fucked by the   l   o   n   g dick of th   e law. Get out. C  ome o   n, go.

Seth walks  through the   bac   kyard.

GIR  L: Fuck off, Seth.

GUY:  Get a   roo      m.

SETH: I  'm g   onna sa   ve you. I  'm gonna save   you, Evan. Fuck. Fu  ck. Fuck, man, so     heavy.

He esc  ap   es t   hrough som   e bu   shes in the   b   a   ''ckyard. Cut to Sl  ater   in      the pa   r   ty,   dancing   to “Pork And B   eef” by The   Coup   . Cut t  o Fogell   and Nicola having   sex   .''

FOGEL  L: I   t's in. Oh, my God , it   's in.

SLATER: All right,  eve   r   ybo   dy out. Come on, let'  s go. Mc  Lovin! What  the fuck?

Nicola screams a  nd p   ushes   Fogell off o   f her   .   She runs to grab her things.

FOGELL:  Offic   er Slater, is that you?

SLAT  ER: You ran away from u   s!   Wh   y d   id you run away f   rom us? Mic  hael   s,   get up her   e.

FOGELL: No. I  didn't   run away.

SLATE  R: Wh   a   t th   e fuc   k? Why woul   d you do that?

FOGELL  :      I was diso   riented   fr   om the cra   sh-

SLAT  ER      : Were you   violating that   gi   rl?

FOGELL:  No!

SLATE  R: That   you   ng   girl, you just   violated h   e   r with   y   our pe   nis? M  i      chaels, look.

Mic  h   aels enters.

M  ICHAELS: McLov   in?

FOGELL: No, no    , no.

Nicola  runs      out of the   room   .

MICHAE  LS: Woa   h.   Holy shit. W  ere you just ge   ttin   g laid?

FOGE  L   L:   No   ! Well, yea  h, I was, bu   t-

M  ICHAELS: Yes,   y   es, he Was.

FOG  ELL:   I   t's n   ot w   hat you think, g   uys. I  'm   not even-

SLATER:  Sit t   he fuck      down. Stay do  wn. Stay the  fuck   d   own!

MI  C   HAE   LS   : Calm   down.

SLA  TE   R: I t   ho   ught we were f   rien   ds  , and   then   you go running   aw   ay from me   !

MICHAELS: Contain yo  urself.

S  LATER:   We   're friends!

MICHAELS  : Shut up. C  al   m down.

SLATER: Why?

M  I   C   HA   ELS: Calm   d   own, man.

SLATER: What?

MICH  AE   LS: You just         cock-bl   ocked Mc   Lovin. Ok  ay? He's our f  rie   nd. W  e   don't   d   o that. We sh  ould   be guiding hi   s   coc   k,   not   blocking   it. Jus  t rel   ax, ok   a   y?   Let's   make th   is rig      ht.

Fog     ell us   es his   inha   ler   ''. S  later and Michael   s si   t on ei   th   er s   ide of   him.''

FOG  ELL: Wa   it  , wha      t are   yo   u… W   hat are   you guys do   ing      ? N  o  , please, I c      an't, I c   an   't   go to   jail. Pl  ease, I can't g   o t   o jai   l.

SLA  TER: No  , look. W  e'   re really so   r   ry,      McLovin. This  has, t   his ha   s g   one   on, this has   go   ne way   too far.

FOGELL:  Wha   t? W   hat a   re you talking abo   ut?

MICHAE  LS: We kn   ow you're not   25  , man. W  e're not idiots  , McLov   in.

SLATER:  Yeah.

FOGELL: Did yo  u   know the whole time?

SLAT  ER: L   o   ok, w   h   en we were you   r   age, we h   at   ed cops. When we saw you in the  liquor s   tore today, w   e just. .. I  guess we   saw a bit   of ourselve   s, you kno      w? And  , um, we just wanted      to   show you that,   yo   u know, co   ps c   an have a fu   n   time too, you      kn   o   w?

F  OGELL: Yea   h.

MICHAELS:  Y      ou know,      in a wa   y, I th   ink we want   ed to      show ourselves.

SLATER:  Als   o  , I'm.. . I'm real  ly sorry that   I   blocked   your cock.

FOG  ELL: Ap   ology acc   epted.

They  hug   it out.   Nico   la   grabs her s   hoe   s   an   d look   s   at the   m confus   e   d be   fore leaving.

MICHAELS: Ser  iously,   man. That feels go     od. Oh, i  t      feels so   good.

FOGELL:     I missed   you guy   s.

MICHAELS  :   I just wish   we cou   l   d   make i   t   up to   you somehow  , man.

FOGELL  :   W   e   l   l, do you th   ink you   c   an do   me   a r   e   ally   b   ig favor?

SLAT  ER: What i   s   it? Anything.

MI  CH   AELS: N   ame it.

Cut o  u   tside the par   ''ty. Slater and Mi  cha   els   drag Fogell along in han   dcu   ffs      while ever   yone from t   he par   ty watc   he   s.''

SLATER: This kid's fuckin' crazy. MI  CH   A   E      LS: Stay back for   yo   u   r own saf   ety.

FOGELL  :   Get off me, y   ou   f   u   cki   n   g cops. Get your h  ands off. Do you     know who I am? I'm Fo  g   ell. The     joint can't hold me.

GU  Y   : Ho   ly sh   it, Fogell's a ba   dass.

FOGE  LL:   I'm gonna break your glasses  ,   yo   u fucking cop. Y  ou can'   t   hold m   e.

JESSE: Fuckin' pigs. Je     sse      spits on Slat   er.

JE  SSE:   Oh  ,   shit.

Slate  r knocks Jesse ove   r wi   th   h   is   baton   .

SLAT  ER:   Nice   mullet  ,      a   sshole.

He c  ontin   ues t   o   dra   g Fogell to   the   car wi   th Mic   ha   el   s.

M  ICHA   ELS: You   crazy.

SLATER: T  hi   s   k   id's cr   a   zy.

MICHAE  LS: He's      nu   ts!

SLAT  ER   : Well, w   e caug   ht th   e   infamous   Fo   gel   l.

FOGELL: W  ai   t fo   r me,   Nicola! Wai  t for me   on th   e outsid   e.

NICOL  A: We were go   nna go to   Hawaii.

Cut in     side the   car.

SLATER: Man, t  hat'   s   gonna   get you so much ass.

FOG  ELL: Seriously?

MICHAELS  :      I   know   what t   o do about the   c   ar.

SLATER:  Sweet.

C  ut back to Seth carry      ing Evan   ''. Evan wake  s up.''

SETH: Fuckin' go. Fuckin' throw up. EVAN:  Are   you carrying      me?

SETH: No,     I'm saving you from   the cops.

EVAN: Y  o   u saved   me? Well, I don't know what you're talking  about,   but   than   ks. Can l, should I  just w   alk? Sho  uld I walk?

Seth p  ut   s Evan dow   n. They walk t   ogether.

SETH: Y  eah,   sure. Wh  ere do you wa   nna g   o?

EVAN: Sleepover at my h  ou   se? Yo  u wan   na come sleep...?

S  E   TH: Okay.

EVAN: Okay.

SETH: D  o   es your mom still have pizza bagels?

EVAN: Ye  ah. Lots.

SETH:  Pi   zza bag   els.

'''CUT TO: INT. COP CAR - NI  GHT'''

Michaels hands some paperwork  to Fogell.

MICHAELS: So by  signing this, you are offici   ally   saying that as we stopped you   from being mugged   a crackhead stole our   cruiser      and did Go   d   knows w      hat with it. Y  ou’re cool to sign t      hat?

FOG  ELL:   Of cours   e. I owe      yo   u   guys my life.

MICHAELS  : We   owe      you, Mc   …   Wai   t, what's   you   r rea   l   name again?

FOGELL: Fogel  l.

S  L   A   TER: Ah,   fuck that. We're c     a   l   l   ing you McLovin.

MICH  AELS:   McL   ovin. Let's do this danc  e, boys.

They p  ull into an   e   mpty   park   ing lot   a   nd do   donuts.   “Panam   ''a” by Van Halen plays. M  i   chae   ls a   n   d Fogell   get   out of the car.''

F  OGELL   : Oh, my G      od.

SLATER: W  h   at did I tell yo   u guys, rig   ht?

FOG  ELL: Th   at was crazy.

SLATER  : Panama! Pan  am   a! All ri   ght. All r  ig   ht, n   ow,   guys,   check th   is out. I  t's probably t   he   greatest      m   ove   in d   oughnut-spinn   in   g hist   ory. You payi  ng attenti   o   n? B   ehold, the   upwar      d-spirali   ng pig   tail.

MICHAE  LS: Why is   it calle   d that?

SLA  TER: I don'   t know.

He  ''drives away. Mic  haels   and Fo   ge   ll watch him.''

MICHA  ELS: Make   the   badge prou   d, S   l   ater. He's not  usua   lly this d   runk when   he do   es thi   s, but I think t   hat co   uld make      it more cool.

SLAT  ER:   McL   o   vin   !

He beg  ins the don   ut but   loses c      ont   rol of   the car.

MICHAELS:     O   h, no.

S  LATER: Fuck!

Slater cra  shes   into a p   ole.

MICH  AELS: Sl   ater!

FOGEL  L: O   fficer Slater.

Slater g  ets ou   t   of the car   through the   windsh   ie   ld.

SLATER: Alright. Fuckin' crazy. Let's do this. Slate  r      and Fogell cover the   car i   n alc   ohol.

SLATER: Hur  ry  , hurry. Let's  go. Go, go.

FO  GE   LL: I'm   going, I'm going, I'm going. I'm  out, I   'm out.

SLATER: G  ood,   here we go, her   e we go. Yea  h?      Yeah, oka   y. Back up. Do  n'   t blo   w yourself u   p, assh   ole.

Michaels throws  a mol   otov   cocktail onto the car   ''. It li  g   hts on fire.''

SLATER: Yes. Oh,  my      God. It worked! It  work   ed. We  won! We  won.

FOGELL: Can  we sh   oot a   t   i   t?

SLATER:  I   don't k   now. Can  y   ou?

He give  s his gun      t   o   Fogel   l   ''. Fogell sh  oots at   the b   ur      ning car.''

FO  GELL: Bre   ak y   o   urse   lf, fool.

He  shoots   unti   l   there are no bul   let   s l   eft.

F  OGELL: Tig   ht.

CUT  TO: IN   T.   EVAN’S HO   US   E - NIGHT

E     van and   Seth lay down in Evan’s bas   eme   nt.

EVAN: Listen, a  nd th   en s   he said   she was gonna give me a bl   o   w-J.

SET  H: I can't b   eli   eve sh   e   sa   id   that to you.

EVAN: Man, you  have no   idea.

S  ETH: What   was s   he thinking?

EV  AN: Yo   u don'   t e   ven know

.

SETH:  I gotta t   ell   you. I  gotta tell   yo   u something,   Evan.

EVAN  : What?

S  ETH: I w   a   s in   your room, like,         three w   eeks ago,   while yo   u   were ta   kin   g   a shi   t.   And I saw you   r hou   s   ing, l   i   ke, f   orms. So I kn  ew you an      d Fo   gell      were gonna live togeth   er  , you      k   now.

EVAN: I'm sorry ,   man, I   don   't   know. I sho  uld've told you. I  don'   t know why I di   dn'      t.

SETH  : Don   't,   no,   don't   be sorr   y.   I should b   e sorry. I was  bei   ng   a di   ck. I was bei  ng a big dick to   you.

EVAN:  No, l… Listen,   Set   h, I w   ant y   ou to      know, I don   't   wan   na li   ve   with   Fogell. I don’t  want t   o liv   e wi   th him. I  just don't, I   h   a- I, I'm afrai   d to live with st   range      rs. I can  't. I   can't   do   it.

SETH: I know, I kno  w.

EVAN:  I c   an't believe you s   a   ved   me. You saved me. I  can't   bel   ieve. I  o   we   you so   … You ca   rried me. I lo  ve you. I love you , man.

SET  H: I love   you. I love you. I'  m not ev   en emb   arrassed to say it. I ju  st, I l   o- I   lo   ve you.

EVAN:  I'm n   ot emb   arrasse   d.

SE  TH:   I lov   e   y   ou.

EVAN: I  lov   e   yo   u.   It’s l   ike, why don'      t we sa   y   that   every day? Why can't     we   s   ay it mo   re often?

SE  TH: I      j      ust l   ove yo   u. I   just wanna go   to t   he   rooftops and scream, "I   love   my best friend, Evan."

EVAN  :   W   e should go up on   my roof.

SETH:  For   sur   e.

EVAN  : Like,   whe   n you   went away for Ea   ster,   on your vaca   tion, I   missed you.

S  ETH: I missed you to   o.

EVAN: I want t  h   e world to   k   now. It's, i  t's the mo   st beautiful thing in the wo   rld.

Set  h   taps Evan’s nose.

SETH: Boo  p. Boop. Boop. Come he  re. Co  me   her   e, man.

They hug.

SETH: I  love you.

EVA  N: I love   you.

C  U   '''T TO: INT. EVAN’S HOUSE - MOR  NING'''

They bo  th wake up.

SE  TH: What the fuck? What u  p?

EVA  N: Morning. Mornin     g.

SETH: I should get moving. I shou  ld ge   t moving. I  should be getting a mo   ve on, for sure.

He gets up an     d gra   bs his shoes   .

EVAN: Yeah, yo  u don't, I mean  ,   you don't have to, you   kno   w. I   don   't really have anythi   ng g   oing o   n. You don't have to rush off li   ke   that.

SETH: You wann  a han   g out   ? I was gonna go to the mall.

EVA  N: I have to   get a   new comfort   e   r. For college. T  he mall, they would sell that.

SETH: Cool. So ,   uh   …   Your mom's got   huge   tits.

He wa  lks up   the   st   ai   rs.

CUT TO: INT  .      MALL - MORNING

Seth  tries o   n s   ome pants and insp   ects h   ims   elf in the mirror.

SETH:  Wh   at do   you think?

EVAN: I do  n't know, m   an. Don't ask me. Because I don't  give a shit how pants look.

SETH: Yeah, I need someone's  opinion.

EVAN:  Those   are too t   ight. Thos  e are way   too tight.

SETH:  Yeah, but, like-

EV  AN: Way t   oo tight. You n  eed to upgrade.

S  E   TH:   Yeah, but when I was   wearin   g your dad's   pants   last nig   ht, I r   e   alized that   if I wear p   an   ts that a   re, like  , a li   ttle too small, it might encoura   ge me to lose w   eight. And  also, chick   s can kind of see,   l   ike, you k   now, the borders an   d outline of my   dick a little.

EVAN: Yea  h, ma   n,   they go nut   s f   or   that. The ma  le ca   mel toe.

SETH: Y  eah, the   c   amel ta   il. It's r     ight-

EVAN: I     know whe   re it   is, w   here   i   t happ   ens.

SETH  :   Like, r   ight the   r   e. It's like t   hey're so tight t   hat one b   al   l is, like  , above m   y di   ck, even.

EVAN: Yea  h, exactly.

SETH: It'     s like th      ree. It's like a three th  i   ng. It's l  ike   ball, dick, ball.

EVAN:  It      's   like a, i   t’s   like a div      ision   si         gn.

SETH:  Like a bunch of   peop   le crammed int   o a van.

EV  AN: You kn   ow, I just w   is   h your dick i   s   of   f.

SETH: Yo  u'r   e right, thes      e look   stupid. L  et's g   et the fuck out of   here.

Cut to J  ules and   Becca asce   nding an   esc   alator in th   e m   all.

BECCA: I'  m really s   o      rry about that. I ca  n't believe I actuall   y   did that.

JULES:  I fe   el   bad   tha   t I'm ma   king you buy me      a   new o   ne. It's seems, li  ke,   ridi   culous.

BECCA: No. I have to,  it'      s   puke. It's gross.

JULE  S:   Oh  , my   God.

Seth a  nd   Eva   n walk   in th   e   mall   ''. Both pairs s  pot e   ach   other.''

SETH: Do a  lc   oholi   cs g   et   hangov   ers?

EVAN: Holy  s      hit, holy   s   hit, holy s   h   it. It  's them.

SET  H:   What the   fuck do we do,   man?

E     VAN: Do   n't stop. I don'  t kn   ow. Hey.

All four  approach   each other.

BECCA: Hey.

EVAN: How  's it going   ?

JULES: Hey.

EVA  N:   I   t's so good to…   How are you fee   l      i   ng?

BECCA: I've felt     bett      er. But I'll be fine. How abou  t yo   u?

E  V   AN: I'm okay, you   know  , y   eah. Di  d   y   ou have fun last nig   h   t?

BE  CCA   :   Uh, you know, I actu   a   lly d   on'   t   re   member much.

E  VAN: I don't re   m   ember anyth   ing. So weird.

SE  T   H:   Nothing.

BECCA: Um, I didn't  p   uke   on you, did I?

EVAN: Y  ou   did   n't. I remembe  r that you   - I   avoide   d   i   t. It whi   zzed ri   ght by m   e, a   nd      I said, "Sta   y away from me  ,      " yo   u know.

BECCA: I'm  really   s   or   ry   about everythi   ng   las   t night,      an   d I   just… Th   ank you for   b   eing su      ch   a nice   guy abo   ut it a   ll.

EV  A      N: Oh, that's o   kay, you kn   o   w. At least yo   u d   on'   t   have a b      l   ack eye from it.

Th  ey      all look at Jules and smile      awkwardly.

SET     H: That lo   o   ks terrible.

JULES: Ye  ah.

SETH: Y  ou      lo      ok great. Y  ou   don't lo   ok terrible. I  t's   j   ust, like,   a   bad bruise. Everythin  g's gre      at,   just from he   - This,   just      like right   there.

EVAN:  Your eye.

SETH:  Y   e   ah,   your eye. Everything  else i   s   g   reat. But seriously, I ac  ted   like a fu   cking   idiot last nig   h   t. You   don't deserve th   at. So,  I'   m sorry. O  n the up   side, I think      you l   ook cool with a   blac   k   eye. I'm ju  st   gonna thro   w th   at o   ut there. I don't, I don't know.

JULES: W  ell, t   hank yo   u, smart   gu   y. Thank   s. That'   s actually   why      I'm here. Because I have to ge  t   a   ton of co   ver-up for      the grad   photo.

SE  TH: Oh, man. Fuck.

BECC  A: And I   'm g   onna get Jules a new   c   omfo   rt   er.

EVAN: Oh, I have  to   g   et a comfort   er   too. For coll  ege.

BECCA  : Oh,   yeah?

EVAN: Yeah,     I just figur   ed   I   would nee   d one.

JULES  : So, Seth.. . . So  do y   ou   wanna co   me bu   y me   cover-up   or so      mething? I me  an, you kind of owe   me.

SETH  : Yeah, defin   itely. I wo     uld   love to do that. I had s  u   ch   ba   d ac   ne last   year that I   pr   etty mu   ch b   e   came, like, an   expert on the   st   uff. Wel  l, you drove. Evan dr  ove me here, though, so...

JULES:     Well, so,   well, I mean, I have m   y dad's   car. So I     could jus   t give you a lift,   and then   Ev   an   cou   ld take Bec   ca home.

EVAN: Okay.

JULES: If t  hat works. I  don't know if it's         in   your route.

BECCA: That wou  ld be fine with   me.

E  VAN: Fine, yeah. Maybe we c     an get some   food.

BECCA: Yeah, I'd lik  e that.

SETH: So I guess I'll call you, then.

EVAN: Yeah , give me   a call. Yeah, you have my num     ber.

SETH:  I have your   information. S  o put h   er th   ere.

They shake hands.

EV  AN   : Perfect. G  ood. A  ll right,   man.

SETH  : Okay.

EVAN: Ok  ay,   guys.

T  he tw   o pa   irs split off, Jules and S   e   th going back d   own   the escalator   and Bec   ca and   E   van s   tay   ing on the upp   er level   .

SET  H: Becca.

EVAN: Bye, guys.

JU     L   ES: Bye, you guys.

E  VAN: Bye, ha   ve fun.

BECCA: See yo  u, J   ules.

EVAN: Yeah,  tha   t's f   unny. Too funny.

Seth a  nd   Evan look at each   ot   her as th   e   y   dep   ''art. “P.S. I Love Y  ou” by Curtis   M   ayfi   eld   begins   p   layin   g.   Seth   p   o   i   nts   at Jules   and   mouths t   o Evan   ,   “I’m   g   onna fuc   k   her.”''

BECCA:  Where do y   ou   wanna   go to   ea   t?

JULES:  So   ca   n you hon   estly   h   elp me   figure out   what k   ind of cov   er-up to get?

As  Se   th and Jule   s   reach th   e bottom f   loor   ,   Evan and Becca disappear      over the   top o   f t   ''he escalator. Set  h and      Jule   s walk      through the   ma   ll as the camera   pans t   o a   wid   e   shot.''

END CREDITS

SETH: I love  yo   u.