National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

A MALE VOICE singing "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful." FADES UP:

'''1      EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - MORNING    1'''

Currier and Ives Country. Rolling hills, firm stands of pine and hardwood, barns and bridges. Into this timeless beauty ROARS a new, aerodynamically-styled Road Queen family TAURUS with simulated wood panels hugging the sleek curves. The SONG CONTINUES. The voice belongs to CLARK W. GRISWOLD, JR.

CLARK (V.O.)

Joyful and tri-uuuuuuuum-phant,Oh, come ye --

'''2      INT. CAR  2'''

Clark’s driving. His wife, ELLEN, is next to him. His fourteen-year-old daughter, AUDREY and twelve-year-old son, RUSTY, are in the backseat. Ellen’s looking out the window. Rusty and Audrey are looking out their windows. Clark clears his throat and half-closes his eyes. He finishes with a deep, majestic voice.

CLARK Oh, co-o-o-me ye to Be-e-ethlehem.

A moment of reverent silence.

RUSTY

(after a pause)

Dad? Can you explain again what we’re doing?

CLARK

We’re kicking off our fun, oldfashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

'''3      EXT. COUNTRY ROAD   3'''

The Taurus drives THROUGH FRAME. An old, battered pickup truck pulls out on the road.

'''4      INT. CAR  4'''

Audrey leans forward in her seat.

AUDREY

We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

CLARK Nope. I have one of those at home.

What we’re looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

Clark smiles proudly.

'''5      EXT. ROAD 5'''

The pickup truck pulls up behind the Taurus.

'''6      INT. CAR  6'''

ELLEN Is it much further, Clark?

CLARK

Nah. Three maybe four more songs and we’ll be there.

Audrey looks at Rusty and groans.

AUDREY Oh, no.

Clark breaks into song once again.

CLARK

We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas --

'''7      EXT. ROAD - CLOSEUP - TAURUS  7'''

The bent and rust-pitted front bumper of the pickup truck pulls up within a few inches of the rear bumper of the Taurus.

'''8      INT. TAURUS    8'''

Clark continues singing.

CLARK

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy new year -He glances in the rear view mirror. He stops singing.

HIS POV The pickup truck crowds the mirror.

'''9      INT. CAR - CLARK AND ELLEN    9'''

Clark speeds up.

ELLEN What’s the matter?

CLARK Some jackass is riding my tail.

Ellen and the kids look around behind. The PICKUP HORN blows.

ELLEN Slow down and let him pass.

'''10    EXT. HIGHWAY   10'''

Clark slows down and the pickup pulls around him.

'''11    INT. CAR  11'''

Clark BLASTS his HORN and sneers as the pickup pulls past him.

ELLEN Clark? Don't provoke them.

Clark flashes his lights and BEEPS his HORN.

CLARK Hey, kids! Look! A deer!

He points out the window. As the kids look, Clark flips the pickup a double bird. CLOSEUP CLARK

He looks at Ellen and chuckles, proud of himself, He turns back from Ellen and gasps. He stomps on the brakes.

HIS POV

The pickup has jammed on its brakes. The Taurus rides up close.

'''12    INT. CAR  12'''

The kids jerk forward, Ellen is hurled forward. Clark grits his teeth and nearly bends the wheel over.

'''13    EXT. PICKUP - TRUCK 13'''

The farm boys look out the rear window, laughing. They pull away. CLOSEUP - CLARK

He’s angry and committed to escalating the conflict, He hits the gas. The Taurus pulls around the pickup and passes it. A pair of in-bred, red-cheeked, young, sheep-bangers and a gnarled, old man at the wheel watch as the Taurus passes. They are dressed in flannel shirts and dirty, quilted nylon hunting jackets. THEIR POV Ellen shrinks down in her seat. Clark waves arrogantly.

'''19    EXT. HIGHWAY   19'''

The Taurus pulls around in front of the pickup.

'''20    EXT. HIGHWAY - FROM PICKUP TRUCK BED    20'''

A semi hauling a load of timber has pulled behind the pickup truck.

'''21    INT. TAURUS    21'''

Clark smiles with satisfaction.

CLARK

That’s enough of that. Anyway. Kids, speaking of Christmas trees, can one of you tell me what kind of tree was first used displayed at the White House?

The pickup has pulled alongside Clark. Ellen and the kids- notice. Clark doesn’t.

RUSTY Dad? They’re back.

Clark glances out his window.

'''22    EXT. HIGHWAY   22'''

The pickup pulls in front of the Taurus. The semi is behind the Taurus. The semi pulls out to pass the Taurus.

'''23    INT. TAURUS    23'''

Clark watches as the pickup passes him again.

ELLEN

Clark! Stop it! I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!

CLOSEUP - CLARK - CROSS ANGLE He looks at Ellen as the semi pulls up alongside the Taurus.

CLARK Don't worry about it, honey.

Clark returns his eyes to the road, hits his signal and pulls

out.

'''24    INT. CAR  24'''

Ellen, Rusty and Audrey scream.

'''25    EXT. TAURUS - CLARK 25'''

He sees that he’s pulling into the truck. His eyes pop and he shrieks!

'''26    INT. PICKUP TRUCK   26'''

The old man looks in his rear view mirror and does a take. He whips around. His two boys whip around and look out the back window. THEIR POV The semi returns to the proper lane. There’s no Taurus.

'''27    EXT. PICKUP - CLOSEUP - BACK WINDOW 27'''

The two boys exchange bewildered looks.

'''28     EXT. HIGHWAY - SEMI 28''' The Taurus is trapped between the front and back wheels of the high-clearance trailer running at high-speed. Mud and road salt from the front trailer wheels is peppering the car.

'''29    INT. TAURUS    29'''

The family’s silent with shock. Clark’s in a full sweat as he struggles to maintain the exact speed of the truck to avoid being caught in the rear wheels.

CLARK

We’re alright! Thank God, we’re alright!

ELLEN Clark? We’re stuck under a truck.

CLARK

Do you honestly think I don’t know that?

AUDREY Come on, you guys, don’t fight!

CLARK

Well, for Christ’s sake, I didn’t do this on purpose!

'''30    EXT. ROAD 30'''

The truck barrels along with the Taurus beneath it.

'''31    INT. TAURUS    31'''

Clark is maniacally focused on controlling the car. Ellen and the kids are praying.

ELLEN

Forgive us our sins --

AUDREY

Is lying about why you got home so late a sin?

ELLEN Just keep praying!

AUDREY Is it? I have to know!

CLARK

Yes!

AUDREY

Forgive me for saying I was at

Cassandra Reed’s when I was really with Sean Marley under the railroad bridge in town.

CLARK Did you know about that, Ellen?

ELLEN Obviously not!

CLARK

(to Audrey)

Isn’t that the kid who got picked up for sacrificing June bugs in the cemetery?

AUDREY This was before that.

RUSTY What religion are we again?

CLARK

Our Lady of Jesus, we’re about to get crushed by a truck!!

Clark takes a deep breath, clutches the wheel tightly and jerks it sharply to the right.

'''32    EXT. ROAD - AHEAD OF SEMI 32'''

The Taurus pops out from beneath the semi onto the opposing lane.

'''33    INT. TAURUS    33'''

Clark breathes a sigh of relief and turns on his wipers.

HIS POV

Just ahead, a snow plough is pulled over on the shoulder, directly in line with the on-coming Taurus.

'''34    EXT. ROAD 34'''

The Taurus hurtles off the road and disappears. It's silent.

'''35    EXT. COUNTRYSIDE    35'''

Peace and tranquility. A virgin snowfield, a long beat and the Taurus bursts out of snowbank INTO CAMERA.

'''36    EXT. ROAD 36'''

The Taurus returns to the road, crossing the left lane, then the right and off the road.

'''37    EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE FARM 37'''

A large, permanent wood sign festooned with colored lights reads -- JOLLY JERRY’S SAW ’N' SAVE CHRISTMAS TREE RANCH. The Taurus blasts past the sign and into a make-shift parking lot, sliding sideways into a parking space.

'''38    INT. CAR  38'''

The family is frozen in horror. Clark puts the Taurus in park and turns OFF the ENGINE. He looks at his watch.

CLARK Hey! We made pretty good time.

'''39    EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE FARM 39'''

Families stumble across the frozen earth between the rows of fir trees, shivering, cursing, grousing. We FIND Clark, Ellen, Audrey and Rusty trudging through the snow. The family has a very hard go of the deep snow. Clark pays it no mind.

CLARK

Is this air fresh or what? Take a deep breath! Notice that smell?

RUSTY It smells like Pinesol.

CLARK And isn’t that a Christmasy smell?

ELLEN

Clark, can we pick out a tree while we smell? It’s awfully cold.

AUDREY My toes are numb.

Ellen points out a tree.

ELLEN There’s a nice one over there.

Clark considers the tree briefly and rejects it.

CLARK

The bottom’s all dead, hon. A deer probably lifted his leg on it.

They continue their march through the snow.

RUSTY

Dad? Didn’t they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn’t have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?

CLARK

They invented them, Russ, because people forgot how to have a fun, old-fashioned family Christmas and are satisfied with scrawny, dead, over-priced trees that have no special meaning. You know, kids. This is what our forefathers did.

AUDREY I can't feel my legs.

CLARK

They went out in the woods, picked out that special tree and cut it down with their bare hands.

AUDREY Mom? I can’t feel my hips.

ELLEN Clark?

Clark stops to survey the landscape.

CLARK Yeah, honey?

ELLEN Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

CLARK

(distracted)

That’s all part of the experience.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He scans the forest. Something catches his eye. He’s spotted the special tree. A CHORUS OF ANGELS FADES IN.

CLARK There it is!

'''40    EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE FARM - FAMILY  40'''

Clark points. The family turns to see what he’s pointing at.

FAMILY’S POV

A perfectly shaped Norway pine. A long beat and Clark strolls INTO FRAME. We realize that the tree is twenty feet tall.

CLARK

(to the family)

The Griswold family Christmas tree.

'''41    EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE FARM - FROM ABOVE - CLARK 41'''

From the top of the tree down. Clark looks up, and admires the tree. The family gathers around him.

ELLEN

(tentatively)

Clark? Isn’t it a little big?

CLARK

It’s not that big. It’s -- just -full.

RUSTY Dad? That wouldn't fit in our yard.

CLARK It’s not going in the yard, Russ.

It's going in the living room.

'''42 EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE FARM - FAMILY          42'''

Clark puts his arm around Ellen and Audrey. Ellen pulls Rusty into the family embrace.

CLARK Just look at it.

ELLEN It really is beautiful, Clark.

CLARK

It's something else, huh, Russ?

RUSTY Yeah, Dad.

CLARK Audrey? Isn’t it a beaut?

ELLEN

She'll see it later, honey, her eyes are frozen shut.

CLARK

(a deep breath, after a satisfied pause)

The most‘enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. (pause)

Thith tree ith a thymble of thpirit of the Grithwold family Christmuth.

RUSTY

(after a pause)

Dad? Did you bring a thaw?

CLOSEUP - CLARK He realizes he's made a mistake but doesn't care to admit it.

CLARK

Thyit --

'''43    EXT. TREE RANCH - HOUSE TRAILER    43'''

A rotting double wide serves as the office and residence of Jolly Jerry. The family stands at the door. It opens.

CLOSEUP - TRAILER DOOR

It opens on a sour-looking, middle-aged MAN smoking a cigarette and wearing a dirty Santa hat.

MAN What?

CLOSEUP - CLARK He offers a friendly smile.

CLARK

I hate to trouble you, but I didn’t bring a saw.

'''44    EXT. TRAILER   44'''

The Man puffs on his butt and blows the smoke out his nose.

MAN

Rules say buyer provides own damn saw.

He points to a painted sign on the trailer.

CLOSEUP - SIGN A painted sign, black letters on white. It reads BUYER PAYS IN ADVANCE.

BUYER DON’T USE THE RANCH AS A BATHROOM.

BUYER DON’T CUT DOWN MORE TREES THAN HE PAID FOR.

BUYER PROVIDES OWN DAMN SAW.

'''45 EXT. TRAILER                               45'''

Clark sneaks a glance at Ellen. She gives Clark a look.

CLARK

I paid seventy-five dollars for the tree. I need some way to get it out of the ground.

ELLEN You paid that much for a tree?

CLARK Honey, it’s huge.

CLARK

(to the Man)

It's cold, the holidays are here,

I’d really appreciate it if you could help me out.

CLOSEUP - MAN He scratches his nose and reaches around behind the door.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks at the family.

CLARK Sometimes you just have to ask nice.

CLOSEUP - MAN He holds up a shovel.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He stares with alarm.

'''46    EXT. HIGHWAY - TAURUS - CLARK - LATER   46'''

Clark’s in the front passenger seat. He’s frozen, blue, clutching the shovel. The SHOT WIDENS to reveal Ellen and the kids. They're also blue. We continue to WIDEN until we see the car and the enormous tree tied to the roof. The car pulls ahead and OVERTAKES CAMERA. We see the full length of the tree; branches bound with heavy twine and a huge root ball.

'''47    EXT. GRISWOLD HOUSE - NIGHT   47'''

A       fine upper middle class dwelling. The lights are on. The Taurus's in the driveway. The giant tree is resting on its rootball in the front yard. Rusty and a couple of neighbor kids are standing in the driveway looking at the tree. Inside the garage, a CHAINSAW STARTS UP. OMINOUS DRONING HORROR MUSIC FADES IN.

'''48    EXT. HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR 48'''

The electric door goes up. Clark steps out of the dark wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a chainsaw.

'''49    EXT. HOUSE NEXT DOOR 49'''

A       couple in their mid-thirties is getting out of a Saab parked in the driveway of the house next to the Griswolds.

They're handsome, successful, modern suburban profession als. MARGO and TODD CHESTER. They look to the Griswolds, wincing at the ROAR of the CHAINSAW. Margo crosses around to Todd to stand at his side.

TODD

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

They have a chuckle, a compressed, stiff laugh. They are clearly people devoid of humor.

THEIR POV

The giant tree is laying in the front yard, still bound with twine. Clark takes the chainsaw to it and cuts it in half.

'''50 EXT. TODD AND MARGO'S DRIVEWAY             50'''

Todd, wearing a cocky grin, yells;

TODD

(to Clark)

Hev, Griswold! Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?

CLOSEUP - CLARK

Obviously no love lost on the Chesters. He's in a bad enough mood as it is. He turns OFF the CHAINSAW and pushes the mask up on his forehead. He cups his hand to his mouth and yells.

CLARK Bend over and I'll show you!

CLOSEUP - TODD His smile fades. He looks to Margo.

He looks back at Clark, angry at the rude suggestion offered in the presence of his wife.

TODD

You got your nerve talking to me like that. Griswold!

HIS POV Clark yells back.

CLARK I wasn’t talking to you!

CLOSEUP - MARGO She gasps in horror. The CHAINSAW REVS UP.

'''51 INT. LIVING ROOM - CHRISTMAS TREE - LATER 51'''

The tree is up in the rear corner of the room. Clark's had to trim both the top and bottom to get it to fit. It’s still wrapped with twine. The family is standing before the tree.

ELLEN

(looking up)

Clark? Is there enough room for the star?

CLOSEUP - TOP OF TREE It’s flush to the ceiling.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s looking at top of the tree.

CLARK

Oh, sure, honey. I have a little more trimming to do but it won’t be a problem.

'''52    INT. LIVING ROOM - FAMILY 52'''

Clark steps to the tree and takes up a length of twine.

CLARK

I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!

He yanks on the twine. The branches are released and unfold into the room. Unwrapped, the tree is enormous. Branches

extend deep into the room.

'''53    EXT. HOUSE - SIDE   53'''

A BRANCH CRASHES through a side WINDOW.

'''54    EXT. HOUSE - BACK YARD   54'''

Another BRANCH CRASHES through a back WINDOW.

'''55    INT. LIVING ROOM    55'''

A  third of the living room square footage is dominated by the unfurled tree. The Griswolds stand waist-deep in pine boughs. The tree is the same diameter at the top as at the bottom.

It’s a pine cylinder, eight feet in diameter. Clark looks at Ellen, Audrey and Rusty. He says nothing. They say nothing.

'''56    EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT  56'''

The lights are on. We can see the glow of a fire in the living room fireplace.

'''57    INT. LIVING ROOM - CLOSEUP - FIREPLACE - LATER 57'''

A beautiful fire. CHRISTMAS MUSIC is playing on the STEREO.

'''58    INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 58'''

It’s pleasant and calm. A nearly perfect holiday picture.

Clark's wearing a cashmere V-neck. He's untangling a strand of lights. Audrey, Rusty and Ellen are sitting with bowls of popcorn and cranberries in their laps. Clark has trimmed the Christmas tree branches and denuded the top twelve inches to accommodate the star. He's fishing lights out of a cardboard box.

RUSTY

I can’t get my needle through the cranberries.

AUDREY

(frustrated)

The popcorn falls apart when I pull the string through it!

Clark walks to the tree with the light strands.

ELLEN

Clark? The old-fashioned ornaments aren't working out too well.

CLARK That's all part of the fun, honey.

You know, kids, years ago, people couldn't go out and buy their ornaments. They had to make them from things around the old prairie homestead. Colored balls of mud, wood shavings, bits of yarn and string, ox horns, donkey tails, prairie dog whiskers. I'll get the lights up and then I’ll give you a hand.

Clark begins stringing the lights on the tree, starting at the bottom. Clark moves slowly around the tree, stringing the lights as he goes. CLOSEUP - RUSTY He reaches into a bowl of popcorn.

RUSTY

Dad? This tradition stuff is pretty cool so far but I think it might lose its charm if it extended to our gifts. I mean, you're not planning on making our presents are you?

He loads the popcorn into his mouth.

CLOSEUP - CLARK Clark considers the question for a moment.

CLARK

Sounds like fun -(pause) But, no.

CLOSEUP - RUSTY

He pulls a string and then a row of strung pieces of popcorn

out of his mouth.

'''59 INT. LIVING ROOM                           59'''

Clark disappears around behind the tree.

CLARK (O.S.)

Before we know it, you kids'll be all grown up and --

ELLEN

Clark? What are you doing behind the tree?

CLARK (O.S.) Putting up the lights.

RUSTY Nobody looks behind the tree, Dad.

CLARK (O.S.)

If you just do the front, the tree isn't balanced. Believe me, if I didn't put lights back here, you’d notice a difference. Ouch!

AUDREY Watch your eyes, Daddy.

The tree shivers and shakes as Clark works his way around behind it.

ELLEN

I hope you’re not getting sap all over your sweater.

CLARK GAGS and COUGHS.

CLARK (O.S.) Hold on, I just swallowed a cocoon. (gags)

Okay. All better. Have you ever tasted cocoon? It’s a little like cashews but not so salty.

Clark emerges from around behind the tree. He’s covered * head-to-toe in sap and pine needles.

CLARK (O.S.) What’d you say, honey?

'''60 INT. KITCHEN - LATER                       60'''

Clark and Ellen are cleaning Clark’s sweater. He's working on one sleeve, she’s working on the other. She’s picking individual needles off. Clark's herding them down the cuff.

ELLEN

Did I tell you that I talked to my mother?

CLARK

(false)

Yeah, and it's a shame they can't come for Christmas. I was so looking forward to seeing them.

ELLEN

I talked to her today. They changed their mind. My dad couldn't get a good enough deal on the condo in Florida so they're coming.

CLARK Damn.

(corrects himself)

Darn.

(again) Great!

Clark pulls a large wad of sticky pine needles off the cuff of his sweater and tries to flick it into the wastebasket.

ELLEN

Let’s not forget whose idea it was to have the fun, old-fashioned family Christmas here.

CLARK

Am I complaining?

Ellen is trying to get the needles off her hands. All she does is transfer the needles from one hand to the other. They continue talking, not acknowledging the sap and the needles.

ELLEN

No, but I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be with all these people at our house.

CLARK

They're family, Ellen, not strangers off the street.

ELLEN

They're family and they don't get along.

CLARK They get along.

Clark tries to wipe the wad of pine needles on the edge of the grocery bag lining the wastebasket. When he pulls his arm back, the bag goes with it. It’s now stuck to his hand.

ELLEN

All they do is argue. Who sleeps in what room, who do the children love more? Clark, it’s endless.

CLARK

Christmas is about resolving differences and seeing through the petty problems of family life.

He holds out his hand and the bag stuck to it. Ellen pulls the bag off. It sticks to her hands.

ELLEN

Yeah. And it’s about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot.dogs and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip and they stop speaking for three years.

CLARK Your mother waxes her upper lip?

ELLEN She has for years.

CLARK It sure doesn’t show.

Clark peels his sweater off and tosses it on the table. It’s stuck to his hand. He tries to throw it again. The sweater goes nowhere.

ELLEN

Do you really want to listen to my father and your father go at it over who suffered the most during the war?

CLARK

That’s all part of it, Ellen. You take the good with the bad.

ELLEN

The damage is done. They're all coming. But just be aware that it's not going to be all sweetness and light. Especially since my dad had his back operation.

Ellen puts the bag between her knees and pulls her hand free. The bag stays stuck to her knees.

ELLEN He’s extremely touchy about it.

CLARK

No problem. Nothing’s going to spoil this Christmas.

Clark puts the sweater in his mouth and pulls it off his hands. He shakes his head. The sweater’s stuck to his face.

CLARK

(muffled)

Not even your dad.

ELLEN What?

CLARK

(softer)

Not even your dad. Clark and Ellen are in bed.

CLARK How about a little home shopping?

ELLEN Clark, it’s so late.

CLARK

Can I just thumb through your catalogue?

Ellen laughs as Clark pulls her to him.

ELLEN

Okay, if I can go through yours first. Ellen pops up from under the covers. Clark looks up in alarm. Ellen leaps from the bed.

CLARK Ellen! Your hand!

It’s too late. The power of Ellen’s leap from bed drags Clark to the floor by his undershorts. He screams as he crashes to the floor. CLOSEUP - CHRISTMAS CALENDAR

Of the sort that conceals each date behind a paper door. Every day in the month of December, one of the little doors is opened to reveal the date and a symbol of the season. Clark's fingers open the first door to expose DEC. 15 and a tiny illustration of a partridge in a pear tree. As Clark draws his hand away, the paper door sticks to his finger and he tears it off.

'''65    EXT. DOWNTOWN CHICAGO - DAY   65'''

The Loop. Decorated for the holidays.

'''66    EXT. OFFICE BUILDING 66'''

Clark’s building. A new high-rise in the heart of the city.

'''67    INT. BUILDING - COFFEE STATION 67'''

Clark and a co-worker, BILL BURKE, are standing at the coffee station, sipping coffee and chatting.

BILL

You’ll be looking at a nice fat

Christmas bonus this year, huh? From what I hear, you have an excellent shot at being named Food Additive Designer of the Year.

CLARK Nah.

BILL

I’m not kidding. What’s the new thing you have over at Food and Drug?

CLARK

Non-nutritive cereal varnish crunch enhancer. It seals the cereal to prevent the milk from penetrating it.

BILL

The big question is, what’re you gonna do with that big, fat bonus check? Blow it on yourself, I hope?

CLARK Me? Heck, no. Take a look at this.

He removes a worn, color brochure from his inside jacket pocket and hands it to Bill. INSERT - BROCHURE

An ecstatic all-American family frolicking in a deluxe inthe-ground swimming pool and spa. CLOSEUP - BILL He peruses the brochure, sufficiently impressed.

BILL You’re putting in a pool?

CLOSEUP - CLARK A proud smile.

'''68    INT. ANOTHER CORRIDOR - CLOSEUP - FEET  68'''

A flying wedge of black wingtips march down the hall.

'''69    INT. OFFICE - CORRIDOR - COFFEE STATION 69'''

Clark admires the brochure over Bill's shoulder.

CLARK

It’s my Christmas present for Ellen and the kids. I'm gonna turn the old homestead into our own private summer resort.

BILL Boy, what’s it gonna set you back?

CLARK

Can't put a price on happiness,

Bill. Plenty. But with the bonus check coming, it's covered. I went ahead and put a seventу-five hundred dollar deposit down so they’ll start work as soon as the ground thaws. With the heater, we can be in that thing by May.

BILL

I guess you’re the last true family man. Me? Christmas is a big pain in the ass. I get a sore face from smiling for five days at people I hate. I had the perfect holiday last year. Piled the kids in the car, drove by my sister’s house, blew the horn, and threw the gifts on the lawn.

CLARK You’re a sentimental guy, huh?

BILL

What’s Christmas anyway but an economic high colonic.

'''70 INT. OFFICE - CORRIDOR - CLOSEUP - FEET   70'''

The marching wingtips round a corner. CAMERA RISES to see

FRANK W. SHIRLEY at the point and two YOUNG MEN off his shoulders a few steps back. Shirley is a stern, stone-faced man in middle age. His minions are young, clean-cut MBAs. They march with military precision and serious purpose. The men stop suddenly.

FRANK

Clem --

CLOSEUP - BILL He clears his throat and corrects Mr. Shirley.

BILL Clark.

FRANK

(to Bill)

Clark. Nice to see you. Get back to work.

Bill exits.

CLARK That’s Bill, sir. My name’s Clark.

FRANK Who asked?

CLARK Pardon me.

FRANK

Are you the one who was working on the non-nutritive cereal varnish?

CLARK Yes, sir.

FRANK

I’m giving a speech to a trade group and I’d like to mention it. Write me up a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

CLARK My pleasure.

FRANK

Layman’s terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon that nobody understands.

CLARK Yes, sir.

Shirley and his boot licks start down the corridor.

CLARK Mr. Shirley?

Shirley stops and turns back to Clark.

CLARK

We got your Christmas card the other day. My family and I are flattered that you remembered us.

Shirley stares at Clark for a confused beat then looks to one of the Young Men.

YOUNG MAN

(to Frank)

Corporate cards.

FRANK Oh. Don't forget my speech, Bill.

CLARK I won’t, sir.

They exit. Clark sets his coffee down. He feels foolish.

CLARK

He may not be the warmest guy in the world, but at least he’s fair and he signs the checks.

MUSIC UP.

HOLIDAY MONTAGE A) Salvation Army band playing.

B) Crowded downtown department store.

C) Cash registers ringing.

D) Screaming kids on Santa’s laps.

E) Garish displays.

F) Shoppers in and out of revolving doors.

G) Businessmen testing toys.

H) Santas having lunch at a counter.

I) Heaps of purchases on store counters.

J) Gift wrapping.

K) Lost, crying child.

L) Cash and credit cards changing hands.

M) Hands rubbing sore feet.

N) Businessman asleep in the mattress dept, with bulging shopping bags at his side. Etc. END MONTAGE.

'''71 INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - LINGERIE DEPARTMENT - CLOSEUP - CLARK 71'''

- NIGHT He’s peering into a display case. He looks up. Freezes.

CLARK’S POV Cleavage, MOVE UP TO a beautiful young WOMAN.

WOMAN Can I show you something?

Clark’s bent over a display case, looking at the delicates.

CLARK Uh.

WOMAN

For your wife? Girlfriend?

CLOSEUP - CLARK He straightens up. He’s very uncomfortable and warm.

CLARK

I guess it wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter -- hotter than they are. It's warm in here, isn’t it?

The Woman smiles. She realizes he’s nervous.

WOMAN You have your coat on.

CLARK Do I?

(catches himself staring)

Sure I do. How did that happen?

WOMAN Because it’s cold out?

CLARK Could be!

There's an uncomfortable silence.

WOMAN So. You were looking at something?

CLARK You know, I couldn’t help it.

WOMAN

(puzzled) Excuse me?

CLARK Gesundheit.

WOMAN

Do you want me to take anything out for you?

Clark's jaw drops. He wheezes. He looks over his shoulder to see if anyone's listening to the conversation. He ignores the question and carries on.

CLARK

I was just looking for something for

-- my mother. Her wife. And

obviously she doesn't wear underwear and there's plenty of shopping days left until adultery. (winces and corrects himself)

Adulthood. Which is to say

Christmas. Yuletide. Yule. As in yulelog. Not a log. I didn't mean a log. I don't have a log. I mean, I do but not in the sense that you think I think I said. Which I said but not meaning what I said when I said it.

Clark mops his brow with the back of his hand.

CLARK

In other words, I’m late and you’ve been very helpful and busty and I've enjoyed talking about my log and boy, 'tis this ever the season to be huge. Uh, merry.

WOMAN That's my name.

CLARK Huh?

She points to the name plate on her chest.

WOMAN Mary.

CLARK Christmas.

WOMAN And a happy New Year.

'''72    INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - RUSTY 72'''

He's moving through the crowds, package in his arms, looking for Clark.

'''73    INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - RUSTY'S POV - LINGERIE DEPT  73'''

THROUGH the crowd he sees Clark at the lingerie counter. Clark’s laughing and enjoying himself. Mary's showing him a minuscule pair of panties. Rusty approaches the counter and Clark.

MARY

(to Clark)

These are cut high on the hip.

She turns around and displays her bottom.

MARY I’m wearing something very similar.

Can you see the line?

CLARK Oh, yeah.

Clark turns to Rusty.

CLARK Can you see the line, Russ?

RUSTY Yeah, Dad.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

It registers that he’s just addressed Rusty. His eyes bulge.

He snaps his head around to Rusty.

CLOSEUP - RUSTY Looking at Clark.

CLOSEUP - CLARK Looking at Rusty. Complete terror.

CLARK Hyew!

'''76 INT. DEPARTMENT STORE                      76'''

Clark and Rusty walk through the store loaded with lingerie boxes. Clark’s in a nervous sweat as he tries to explain himself to Rusty.

CLARK

Boy, did I get a lot of shopping done. And that funny-looking gal back there was so helpful.

RUSTY Funny-looking?

CLARK

That wasn’t fair of me. Unusual looking. So tall and skinny and top heavy. The wide hips, the narrow waist, the real big eyes and lips and if her cheekbones were any higher, gee whiz, she'd have to open her mouth to put in her contacts. But she was nice and she knew her underpants and that’s all that’s important.

RUSTY Dad? She was cover girl material.

CLARK Yeah. For like a medical journal.

Sure.

(pause)

Gee, I hope I remember where I parked the ole dickster -Truckster.

Clark shoos Rusty on ahead.

RUSTY Dad!

CLARK Keep moving, Russ.

RUSTY But, Dad--!

He pushes Rusty through a door and takes a look back at Mary.

'''77    INT. LINGERIE DEPARTMENT - CLARK’S POV  77'''

She waves to him.

'''78    INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - LADIES' ROOM - CLOSEUP - CLARK 78'''

A nervous smile. He turns and walks through the door. As it closes we read a brass sign LADIES. O.S. there's a collective SHRIEK and a pair of SHARP SLAPS. A beat and Rusty and Clark walk out. Their hair is messed-up. They both rub their stinging cheeks.

'''79    EXT. GRISWOLD HOUSE - MORNING 79'''

A clear, bright Saturday morning.

'''80    INT. KITCHEN   80'''

Ellen’s at the kitchen table filling out Christmas cards She looks up from her work with a troubled look. Some dreadful feeling grips her. OMINOUS MUSIC COMES UP.

'''81    INT. AUDREY’S ROOM  81'''

She's struck by the same uneasy feeling. She looks up from the gift she’s wrapping.

'''82    INT. FAMILY ROOM    82'''

Rusty’s watching TV. As the feeling comes over him, he hits the MUTE button on the TV.

'''83    INT. MASTER BATHROOM 83'''

Clark's trying on a Santa beard, He’s taken by the same awful feeling. He slowly removes the beard. A look of terror on his face.

'''84    INT. FOYER 84'''

Ellen walks in from the kitchen, She's nervous and tentative.

Rusty comes in from the dining room. Clark comes down the stairs. Audrey follows Clark. The DOOR KNOCKER sounds. THREE hard, loud BANGS. CLOSEUP - CLARK Frightened. He’s looking at the front door.

'''85    INT. FOYER - FRONT DOOR  85'''

MOVING IN.

CLOSEUP - CLARK Cautiously approaching the door.

CLOSEUP - DOORKNOB Clark’s trembling hand grips the knob and slowly turns it.

'''86    INT. FOYER - DOOR   86'''

It swings open to reveal four arguing grandparents.

CLARK W. GRISWOLD SR., NORA GRISWOLD, ART AND FRANCIS

PEARSON.

'''87    EXT. HOUSE - FRONT PORCH 87'''

Clark greets the grandparents with open arms.

CLARK Folks, folks! Merry Christmas!

'''88    INT. FOYER 88'''

Clark steps back as the grandparents rush the house. They engulf Clark:, Ellen, Rusty and Audrey in hugs and machinegun chatter. It’s an invasion.

NORA Clarkie, sweetheart !

CLARK SR.

How 'ya doin', boy?

Clark breaks his embrace with Nora and shakes Clark Sr.'s hand.

CLARK Can't complain, Dad.

Art and Francis descend upon Ellen and the kids. Nora breaks from Clark and pushes past Francis to Rusty. Art returns to Clark. Clark Sr. crosses to Ellen. Rusty, Audrey, Ellen and Clark hold their positions as the grandparents move between them. Each family member is verbally attacked, hugged, squeezed and kissed. A hundred individual overlapping comments and questions in 30 seconds. OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE for grandparents' arrival.

NORA Clarkie, sweetheart, how are you?

(to Ellen)

Oprah did a show on skinny women.

Did you see it?

(to Rusty)

Maybe if your Mom'd feed you better you’d put on some height. (To Audrey) Since when are you wearing eye makeup?

(to Clark)

The curly hair makes Audrey look too old.

(to Clark)

Do you think this mole on my neck has changed color? Dad says it hasn’t but I think it has. (to Ellen)

I have no idea what to get you for

Christmas. You have two of everything.

(to Ellen)

When you go shopping remember to get Clark Sr. rolled oats. (to Ellen) We don’t care for T.V. in the morning. We prefer the radio. (to Clark)

I brought my old sewing machine. If you get the time maybe you can fix it up for Ellen. (to Clark)

Do you still have the rusty taste to your tap water?

(to Rusty) You’re not seeing girls yet, are you?

(to Rusty)

Do you still like puzzles? (to Clark) Art wants to put his car in the garage. Didn’t he have the garage the last time he was here? Why should our automobile have to stay out in the elements? (to Ellen)

It smells stale in here. (to Clark)

You’re working too hard, aren’t you? (to Clark)

This may be Dad’s last Christmas.

Don’t spend all your time with Art. (to Ellen)

Dear, you look so tired. (to Rusty) I have a very painful spur on my heel bone.

(to Ellen)

I had a nightmare that you talked Clark into making us sleep in the bunk beds.

ART

(to Ellen)

Dearest sweetheart, give me a big kiss!

(to Ellen)

I beat Griswold here so you tell

Clark I’m parking the Lincoln in the garage.

(To Ellen)

What's your hot water situation? (to Audrey)

They drained a pint of fluid from my lower back.

(to Rusty) Lift with your knees, never with your back.

(to Clark) You better salt your walk before somebody breaks their skull. (to Clark)

You could use a little paint on your porch.

(to Clark) I beat your dad by a good half second so I’m taking the garage space.

(to Clark) How come you didn’t put cones on your rose bushes? (to Clark)

I’m not sleeping in any damn bunk beds.

(to Rusty)

Hey, pal, you got a kiss for gramps? (to Audrey)

Give me an Eskimo kiss, kiddo. (to Rusty)

Your dad still trying to turn you into a fairy?

(to Clark) My back's killing me. I lost two inches in height on the ride over here.

(to Clark)

Whoever shovels your walk oughta be tarred and feathered. You looking for a lawsuit?

(to Ellen) Since I bought the Lincoln, it's going to be a light year for gifts. (to Clark)

You might mention to your dad not to ruin another of our holidays with his cornball jokes. (to Ellen)

You know how much they wanted for a one-bedroom condo in St. Pete? (to Clark)

Jump off your roof and land on your back and you’ll know the pain I'm enduring. ззс.

(to Clark)

Your mom's put on some weight, huh? (to Ellen)

Does your pharmacy offer a senior discount?

(to Audrey)

Grandma said you’re dating fellas.

We’re gonna have to have a talk. (to Ellen) You look weary.

(to Ellen)

I'm on a low-sodium diet and your mother’s eating a lot of fish. (to Clark)

Don't try and save a nickel on heat.

I like it at seventy-two. (to Ellen)

I need a lot of moisture in the air.

I have a sinus condition.

CLARK SR.

(to Clark)

Merry Christmas, son. It's good to see you.

(to Ellen)

Hi, there, sweetheart. You look just so lovely.

(to Ellen)

Are you getting prettier or is my eyesight improving? (to Rusty)

I ran into Don Mattingly the other day and you know what he said?

’Don’t back up!’ Get it? (to Ellen)

Your dad can’t be in as much pain as he likes us to believe. If he’s in so much pain, he oughta be in the hospital where folks are immune to complaining.

(to Clark)

Don’t stick us in those bunk beds again, Clark. I don’t have the strength to boost your mom up top anymore.

(to Audrey) Looks like those mosquito bites turned into mole hills! (to Rusty)

I talked to your grandpa Art and he said he doesn’t want any sympathy for his back.

(to Clark)

I’ll lay you odds Art couldn't get a good enough deal on the Florida conco to go south for the holidays. (to Clark) Let's see if the two of us can’t talk your mother out of making cookies this year. (to Audrey)

You're not listening to that devil music are you?

(to Rusty)

What do you want old Santa to bring you this year?

(to Ellen)

Don’t short us on towels this year. (to Clark) We like a late breakfast and an early dinner.

(to Clark)

Do you remember Fred Lorraine? He sold a humorous story to the Reader’s Digest. Made ten bucks. (to Ellen)

Don’t fill us up with cheese like last time.

(to Clark)

Do you have a good mall where Mom and I can go take an indoor walk?

FRANCIS

(to Ellen) Oh, my sweet girl. You look so haggard.

(to Clark)

Are you making her do heavy work? (to Ellen)

I nearly left your father over this back thing. He's unbearable! (to Audrey)

I clipped an article for you in our paper about disease and open-mouth kissing.

(to Rusty)

Are you getting enough fresh air and sunshine?

(to Clark)

Your dad drives like a lunatic.

(to Ellen)

Hasn’t Nora aged? Poor thing. I didn't want to ask but has she gone deaf?

(to Rusty)

All the boys in our neighborhood have after school jobs. (to Audrey)

They say pizza is very high in sodium.

(to Ellen)

I’m going to need to get my hair done but I’m not going to your place again. Not after that polish gal scalded my scalp. (to Clark)

If Dad needs a rub down... (to Ellen)

You have no color in your cheeks.

(to Clark)

Ellen has no color in her cheeks. (to Audrey)

I hope you’ll dress up nice on Christmas.

As they arrive, they exit up the stairs en masse yakking all the way, leaving Clark, Ellen, Audrey and Rusty standing stock still. It's as though a tornado passed through. CLOSEUP - ELLEN Her face is frozen, her eyes fixed in a stare.

CLOSEUP - AUDREY

She's wearing an identical, catatonic expression. Her hair's messed up. CLOSEUP - RUSTY

The same expression. He has a large, distinct lipstick print on each cheek. CLOSEUP - CLARK He comes to his senses. He smiles.

CLARK This is what Christmas is all about.

It’s gonna be great. I’ll be

outside. For a few hours.

Clark exits out the front door leaving his stunned family alone.

'''89 EXT. CLARK’S HOUSE - GARAGE - LATER       89'''

The garage door opens and Clark comes out carrying an extension ladder. Rusty follows with a huge carton of lights and decorations. Clark and Rusty are wearing their winter gear. Clark leans the ladder against the house. Rusty sets the carton down.

CLARK

We’re gonna have the best-looking house in town, Russ.

Clark reaches into the carton and pulls out a strand of lights.

RUSTY That’s a lot of lights, Dad.

CLARK

If I'm out in the cold and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right and I’m gonna do it big. You want something you can be proud of, don't you?

RUSTY

Yeah, I guess --

CLARK Sure you do.

RUSTY

You're not gonna overdo it are you, Dad?

CLARK When have I ever overdone something?

Clark gives a tug on the strand pulling a three-foot ball of tangled lights from the carton.

'''90    EXT. TODD AND MARGO’S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY  90'''

They exit their house noticing Clark on the ladder. They’re dressed for an evening out.

MARGO

I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

TODD

He’ll fall for sure but we're not lucky enough to have him break his neck.

'''91    EXT. GRISWOLD HOUSE - TODD AND MARGO'S POV - DAY 91'''

Clark’s climbing the ladder, dragging a strand of lights behind him. As he gets to the top of the ladder, it collapses, sending Clark crashing to the ground. Clark'resets the ladder against the house, climbs back up and begins stapling light strands to the roof.

'''94 INT. FAMILY ROOM - DUSK                    94'''

Clark Sr. and Art asleep in wingchairs. They're snoring. Nora and Francis are watching a Christmas parade on TV as they construct a prefab gingerbread house. They have to speak up against the loud snoring.

NORA

If you keep eating the shingles we won't have any left for the roof.

Nora remote controls the VOLUME UP on the TV. The snoring increases.

FRANCIS They’re stale anyway.

Francis remote controls the VOLUME LOUDER on the TV. The snoring becomes louder.

NORA Is that the fella from ’Jeopardy’?

Nora turns UP the VOLUME more. The snoring gets louder.

FRANCIS I don’t know.

Francis turns UP the VOLUME again. The snoring gets louder.

FRANCIS

It's the sports guy who's married to the news gal with the drinking problem.

Francis turns UP the VOLUME again and again; the snoring increases.

NORA What?

'''95    EXT. GRISWOLD HOUSE - DUSK    95'''

The left side of the house is partially decorated. Clark is twenty feet above the ground stringing lights under the eaves. He reaches over to secure a strand. The ladder tilts from his weight and one leg lifts off the ground. Encumbered by the lights and the stapler, Clark struggles to get both of the feet of the ladder back on the ground. As he leans into the house he (accidentally) staples his sleeve to the roof. This temporarily stabilizes him. To free himself he pulls the sleeve and the staple loose. This upsets his balance, tilting Clark and the ladder back away from the house. Right before he crashes backwards into the tree, he grabs the parti ally stapled strand of lights and uses it as a safety line to pull himself (and the ladder) back up to the house.

'''96    INT/EXT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT    96'''

THROUGH the bedroom window that faces the street, we see Clark struggling with the ladder, holding on for dear life to a strand of lights. As he slowly pulls himself in, the ladder crashes back into the house slamming Clark into, the window.

'''97    EXT. GARAGE -NIGHT  97'''

Rusty comes out of the garage carrying a six-foot-tall plastic Santa.

RUSTY Dad? Where do you want the Santa?

'''98    EXT. HOUSE 98'''

Clark is on the spine of the roof where he's stapling lights.

CLARK Just put him on the lawn.

'''99    EXT. FRONT YARD 99'''

Rusty sets the Santa down on the lawn. Behind him a large wooden shutter falls to the sidewalk and shatters, Rusty turns and looks up to the roof.

RUSTY

Dad? I couldn't find the eight tiny, reindeer.

CLARK

I think they're in the basement, Russ.

Rusty heads into the house.

'''100   INT. HOUSE-KITCHEN  100'''

Ellen and Audrey are making dinner. They have to shout above the snoring and the BLASTING TELEVISION set.

AUDREY

Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Ellen's answer is a tired look.

AUDREY

Can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called, this morning and Grandpa Clark said I couldn't come to the phone because I was going to the bathroom.

ELLEN We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

AUDREY

Everybody? Are you sleeping with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

ELLEN Don't be so dramatic.

AUDREY

Mom, I have nightmares about what he does in his own bed. Alone.

ELLEN

Honey, I don’t know what to say except that it's Christmas! We're а11 in misery!

'''101   EXT. HOUSE - ROOF   101'''

As Clark continues crawling along the spine of the roof, he loses his footing on a patch of ice, sending him sliding down the roof face first.

CLARK Holy -- hairy -- hell!

He grabs the gutter as he slides past. His body jack-knives over the saves.

'''102   INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT   102'''

Clark's body slams into the house and knocks a picture off the wall in the bedroom.

'''103   EXT. HOUSE - CLOSEUP - CLARK - NIGHT 103'''

He s dangling from the gutter. He looks to the side.

CLARK’S POV The ladder is several feet away, resting on the guitar.

WIDE ANGLE

The gutter has pulled five feet away from the house. Clark is clinging to try moving cautiously toward the ladder which still rests against the moving gutter. He begins inching toward the ladder, sliding his gloves along the gutter. It begins to tear loose from the house, sending the ladder crashing to the lawn. CLOSEUP - GUTTER

It's filled solid with ice. The ice shoots out of the gutter like a spear.

'''104   INT. TODD AND MARGO’S LIVING ROOM  104'''

The ice spear crashes through the side window and impales the stereo.

'''105   EXT. CLARK'S HOUSE - NIGHT    105'''

Clark, holding on to the gutter, as it continues to tear loose, realizes that the lower roof is just below his feet. He lets go of the gutter, leaving him standing on the lower roof. He stands for a beat feeling secure. Suddenly his feet slide out from under him, he hits the roof on his stomach, shoots off like a rocket, and disappears in a cloud of snow into the bushes below. The front door opens the moment he lands. A grandmother’s hand closes the door and turns it ON.

INSERT - CLOSEUP - COFFEE MACHINE A grandmother’s hand pours water into the machine.

INSERT - CLOSEUP - REFRIGERATOR

Freshly-wrapped leftovers are placed on a shelf and the door closes.

'''108 EXT. HOUSE - FRONT LAW - NIGHT           108'''

Clark, Ellen, Audrey and Rusty, Clark Sr., Nora, Art and Francis are standing on the front lawn.

Clark’s worn and tattered from his efforts. His enthusiasm and excitement is unabated. He's holding two extension cords, ready to plug them in.

ART

You want to hurry up with this, Clark? I'm freezing my bagettes off.

Clark gives Art a sidelong glance. He refuses to let him spoil his fun.

CLARK

Are you ready? Two hundred and fifty strands of lights, one hundred individual bulbs per strand for a grand total of twenty-five thousand individual miniature imported Italian twinkle lights. Twenty-five thousand!

AUDREY

I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house.

ART

If they know your dad they won't think anything of it.

RUSTY Fire it up, Dad!

CLARK

I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas. (to the family) Drumroll, please.

No one responds.

CLARK Drumroll?

Reluctantly Ellen, Rusty and Audrey flutter their tongues in a cheap imitation of a drumroll.

CLARK Dad? Mom?

Clark and Nora join in. After a beat Art and Francis reluctantly flutter their tongues.

CLARK Joy to the World!

He joins the drumroll, louder and more enthusiastic. He holds up the plug and the outlet and with great drama and the sound of a CRASHING CYMBAL, joins them. Continuing their drumroll. Dampened somewhat. Clark unplugs the cords, gives them a twist, revs up his drums and again joins the extension cords. Nothing. The drums peter out. Clark continues his, but at a lower volume r—and in an angry tone. He plugs and unplugs the cords a couple of times.

ART Beeeeee--u-t-tiiiiii-ful, Clark!

FRANCIS

Boy, talk about tinkling your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

AUDREY He worked really hard, Grandma.

ART

So do washing machines but they don't make very good fathers.

Art and Francis head back to the house.

CLARK SR.

It's probably a bad bulb, son. If one goes out the whole thing doesn't work.

Clark Sr. and Nora go inside. Clark stares at the house.

Seething anger.

AUDREY Sorry, Dad.

RUSTY Good try, Dad.

ELLEN Clark?

No response. Clark just stares at the house.

ELLEN We’ll be inside, honey.

She fixes his coat around his neck to cover his neck.

ELLEN

Don't stay out too late. You have work in the morning.

She leaves a nearly despondent Clark and slips away into the house before he explodes.

'''111 INT. TODD AND MARGO'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM                                              111'''

They've returned home. Todd's looking at the broken window. Margo's looking at the trashed stereo system.

TODD Something had to break the window.

Something had to hit the stereo.

MARGO And why is the carpet all wet?

TODD

(looking out the window) I don't know. But I’ll bet that asshole had something to do with it.

'''112   EXT. HOUSE - CLARK - NIGHT    112'''

He sets the ladder against the house and begins to climb.

'''113   INT. HOUSE - SERIES OF SHOTS - NIGHT 113'''

Nora and Clark Sr. are in Audrey's double bed. Their debris is all over the room. Medicines, trusses, clothing, suitcases. A room humidifier is spewing out cold steam. Nora's snoring softly. Clark Sr.'s reading a teen fashion magazine with a flashlight.

'''114   INT. FAMILY ROOM    114'''

Rusty and Audrey are sleeping on a hide-a-bed. She’s on her back, awake. Rusty has his arm around her and his face against her ear. She pushes his arm away and his leg replaces it. She groans.

AUDREY Get off me, you little fungus.

'''115   INT. MASTER BEDROOM 115'''

Ellen's asleep. Alone.

'''116   INT. RUSTY'S ROOM - INSERT - POSTER 116'''

A well-oiled babe in something indecent. The poster is taped to the ceiling. CLOSEUP - ART He’s laying on his back staring up with mild curiosity.

'''117   INT. RUSTY'S ROOM   117'''

Francis is on the bottom bunk. Art’s on the top bunk.

'''118   EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT  118'''

A  lonely figure on the ladder in the dark of the cold night.

A sky filled with twinkling stars.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - CHRISTMAS CALENDAR

Audrey opens the door marked, DECEMBER 19. Behind the door is a gingerbread man.

'''119   INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY 119'''

Clark peeks out of his bedroom. He looks up and down the hall, then sneaks out of his room with a two-handled shopping bag filled with wrapped gifts. He reaches up to the ceiling. CLOSEUP CEILING - ATTIC STAIRS

Fold-down stairs. Clark slips his finger in a brass ring and turns it, unlocking the stairs.

'''120   INT. HALLWAY   120'''

Clark pulls down the attic stairs. He does so slowly but the STAIRCASE still SQUEAKS. He brings the stairs down to eye level and stops.

He listens to see if he's attracted anyone's attention. He looks up at the stairs. The steps, which are collapsed on runners, slide down and hit Clark square in the forehead taking him clear OUT OF FRAME.

'''121   INT. ATTIC - LATER - DAY 121'''

Clark climbs up the creaky stairs into the attic, rubbing his aching forehead.

It’s a standard, cluttered, wood floor, unfinished, unheated attic. He steps carefully over and around the detritus of twenty years of married life to the chimney. He sets down the bag of gifts. He takes out a gift and hides it behind the chimney. As he reaches behind the chimney, he notices something. He brings out a dusty, gift-wrapped package. He reaches back around, stretches, grits his teeth as he reaches far behind the chimney. He pulls out another wrapped gift. He sets it down and again reaches behind the chimney. He finds

another gift-wrapped package. He looks at the gifts curiously. He blows the dust off one of the packages and reads the tag. CLOSEUP - GIFT TAG The tag reads -- TO MOM, FROM CLARK. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks at another package.

CLOSEUP - GIFT TAG The tag reads -- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, ALL MY LOVE, CLARK.

'''122   INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY 122'''

Francis comes out of the guest room. She sees the attic stairs down.

FRANCIS

Gee whiz! Feel the cold air coming down from there!

'''123   INT. ATTIC - CLOSEUP - CLARK - DAY 123'''

He picks up the third gift.

124   CLOSEUP - GIFT TAG  124

The tag reads -- HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, LOVE, CLARK.

'''125   INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY 125'''

Francis lifts the staircase and lets it crash closed.

'''126   INT. ATTIC - CLARK - DAY 126'''

He freezes.

'''127   EXT. HOUSE 127'''

The Taurus is running. Clark Sr. is in the front, Nora in the back with Audrey. Ellen’s standing at the Taurus. She's going to drive.

'''128   INT. ATTIC - DAY    128'''

Clark's on his hands and knees pushing on the attic stairs. It doesn't budge. Locked tight.

CLARK Hello?! Ellen?! Somebody?!

'''129   INT. FOYER - DAY    129'''

Art and Francis bundle up and exit the front door. They can't hear Clark's FAINT CRIES.

'''130   INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY 130'''

O.S. Clark’s BANGING on the attic stairs.

CLARK (O.S.) Help!

'''131   EXT. HOUSE 131'''

Art and Francis come out of the house. Ellen calls to them.

ELLEN Dad? Is Clark coming?

ART How the hell would I know?

ELLEN Was he in the house?

ART

If he’s not up on the ladder fartin’ around with his lights, he must be in the house.

ELLEN

I’m sure he wants to go to lunch and shopping with us.

ART

You've got another car. He can drive. Me, I have to eat so I can take my back pill.

'''132 INT. HOUSE ATTIC - DAY                   132'''

Clark works his way down the attic, heading for a small window at the other end. There is a narrow walkway of boards across the joists that runs from one end of the attic to the other. Except for this walkway, the floor is unfinished and consists only of joists and insulation. CLOSEUP - FLOORBOARDS

Loose planks. Clark's foot steps down on the end of a plank.

It sinks under his weight.

INT. ATTIC

Clark, anticipating that he’s going to get hit in the face with the loose board, quickly steps back. The board he steps back onto flies up and smacks him in the back of the head. The impact throws him forward onto the first board which

flips up and slugs him in the face.

'''133   EXT. HOUSE - DAY    133'''

Art and Francis get in the Taurus.

'''134   INT/EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - CLARK - DAY 134'''

He’s pressed up against the small, dirty attic window. A look of defeat and resignation on his face.

'''135   INT/EXT. STREET - CLARK'S POV - DAY 135'''

Far below, the Taurus pulls away and heads down the street.

'''136   EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - CLOSEUP - CLARK ~ DAY 136'''

He watches sadly as the Taurus disappears down the street. He sighs in utter defeat.

He glances to the side and notices the the window is ringed with his inoperative imported twinkle lights. He reaches into his shirt pocket for a new bulb, opens the tiny window and reaches out to test for bad bulbs.

'''137   INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - MEN’S ACCESSORY DEPT. - DAY    137'''

Clark Sr. and Nora are at the counter looking at manicure sets.

CLARK SR.

I don’t see anything wrong with getting Rusty an air rifle. That's what he wants.

NORA Ellen said, no. You heard her.

CLARK SR.

Alright. Clarkie had one when he was a boy.

NORA

And he put out all the windows in the garage and you threw it away. (referring to the manicure

set in her hand) No. I think he'll be just as thrilled with a manicure set.

CLARK SR.

Yeah. You’re right. There’s nothing more important to a young fella than well-groomed fingernails.

NORA

The set also includes a nifty toenail clipper.

CLARK SR.

That's a heck of a nice deal.

Especially in the summer.

'''138   INT. ATTIC - DAY    138'''

Clark comes back down the attic from the window, returning the failed bulbs to his pocket. He reaches the boards that whacked him earlier. He gingerly steps on both boards, balancing for a moment. Suddenly, the boards fly up on either side of Clark, smacking him both front and back.

'''139   INT. BEDROOM - CEILING - DAY  139'''

The plaster cracks under the weight of Clark’s feet, leaving the approximate shape of human footprints in the ceiling. More cracked footprints on the ceiling.

INT. ATTIC

Clark’s rummaging through boxes, looking for a coat. He finds nothing and crosses to another stack of boxes.

'''142   INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CEILING 142'''

The footsteps continue across the master bedroom ceiling.

'''143   INT. ATTIC 143'''

Clark’s rummaging through another box. He comes up with an old wool scarf. He looks at it with a small degree of satisfaction.

'''144   INT. RUSTY'S BEDROOM - CEILING - DAY 144'''

The girlie poster above the top bunk, Clark's feet suddenly break through the ceiling and tear through the poster.

'''145   INT. ATTIC 145'''

Clark's sunk to his knees in the attic floor.

'''146   INT. RUSTY’S BEDROOM - WIDE   146'''

A pair of legs standing on the top bunk.

'''147   INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - LADIES' ACCESSORIES    147'''

Art and Francis are at a counter discussing a gift for Audrey.

ART

Doesn’t Audrey have a purse and gloves?

FRANCIS This is for when she dresses up.

INSERT - PURSE AND GLOVES A taupe leather purse and matching leather gloves.

FRANCIS (O.S.) We'll have them monogrammed.

BACK TO SCENE Art looks at the price tag.

ART A hundred and ten bucks?! Forget it. Let’s go back to the toy section and get her that loom.

'''148 INT. ATTIC - LATER                       148'''

Clark is wearing an old fur coat, a hat and white ladies’ gloves that he's found among the stored junk. He’s rummaging through boxes, resigned to his fate. CLOSEUP - SHOE BOX

Clark lifts the lid to reveal yellow Kodak boxes. The old home movies. He takes out several and looks through them. CLOSEUP - CLARK

He smiles as the inscriptions on the boxes bring back pleasant memories. EXTREME CLOSEUP - BOXES

Shuffling through them -- Clark’s fifth В-day, Vacation to Toledo, Aunt Lou's funeral and finally, Xmas *59.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks at the box for a moment. MUSIC comes up.

8MM FILM PROJECTED ON WHITE SHIRT A title card with the words in glitter.

CUT TO:

Griswold house, a tract ranch house with a single string of lights around the door.

CUT TO:

Griswold family, Nora, Little Clark (age 9), an ancient woman dressed in black, a young sailor, a smashed old priest, a middle-aged man with a loud sport coat, slicked hair and a pencil moustache with his arm around a middle-aged woman in a low-cut dress, sitting in the living room eating Christmas dinner on TV trays. A metallic Christmas tree, stands in the corner. A wobbly pan across the people, squinting against the harsh light of the light bar.

'''149 INT. ATTIC                               149'''

Clark is sitting on a child's chair with the projector on a box beside him. The image is projected on a shirt hung from a rafter. CLOSEUP - CLARK He smiles at the old images.

8MM FILM

The man with the pencil moustache smiles and holds up his middle finger.

CUT TO:

Family gathered around a free standing kettle fireplace singing Christmas carols. On the left side of frame, we see flames. The camera pans to the curtains. The heat from the floodlights has ignited the curtains. The camera drops again.

CUT TO:

The family and three firemen toasting the holidays with eggnog. Behind them, the wall is blackened.

CUT TO: Clark Jr. asleep in his bed, despite the floodlights. CUT TO:

Clark Sr. in a cheap Santa suit coming in the front door with a pillowcase stuffed with gifts. A German shepherd dog attacks him. The camera drops to the floor.

CUT TO:

Clark Jr. running down the stairs in the AM.

CUT TO:

Clark Jr. ripping open a large gift. He looks up to camera with a grim expression. He lifts a handful of wool socks from the box. Clark, the chair, the box of memories and the projector fall OUT OF FRAME. O.S., CLARK and his MEMORIES CRASH to the floor.

'''154   INT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 154'''

Todd and Margo have returned home from a run. They’re dressed in the best winter running fashions.

TODD

I want to take off these clothes and sit in the dark with a glass of wine and kiss every square inch of your body.

TODD

(kisses Margo)

After you shower, of course.

MARGO Of course.

'''155   EXT. FRONT YARD - NIGHT  155'''

Clark plants a floodlight in front of the Santa Claus and the plastic reindeer and a sign announcing MERRY CHRISTMAS in glittering plastic letters.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He feels a degree of satisfaction with the new decor ations, even though the lights on the house are still out of order.

'''156   EXT. HOUSE - PORCH  156'''

Ellen comes out the front door. She closes the door and steps down from the porch.

ELLEN Clark?

'''157   EXT. YARD - CLARK   157'''

Ellen walks over to him.

ELLEN

Are you out here for a reason or are you just avoiding the family?

CLARK

No. But I still have a few hundred more bulbs to check. In the meantime, at least I can light up the manger and Santa Claus and the eight tiny reindeer and the Merry XMas sign. That should look pretty good.

Clark picks up the yellow extension cord that the house lights are plugged into. There are two inputs on the cord.

CLARK Ready?

ELLEN

Do you want me to do the drumroll thing?

CLARK No, it’s okay. Here goes nothin’.

Clark grimaces as he sticks the floodlight plug into the extension cord input.

'''158 EXT. HOUSE - WIDE                        158'''

Nothing.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

Stares in disbelief.

CLOSEUP - ELLEN Winces. Todd and Margo are sitting on their king-size bed in the dark. Todd's in his shorts. Margo’s wearing a satin robe. They clink glasses and kiss. The moment their lips touch, the room is flooded with light.

'''163   EXT. CLARK’S HOUSE - NIGHT    163'''

It’s a spectacular sight. The home edition of the Disneyland Electric Parade.

'''164   EXT. CLARK’S TOWN - NIGHT 164'''

The lights in the panorama dim as the house sucks power.

CLOSEUP - HOME ELECTRIC METER It’s a spinning blur.

CLOSEUP - POWER PLANT CONTROL PANEL

A male hand slaps a button marked "AUXILIARY NUCLEAR ON."

'''165   INT. GARAGE    165'''

Nora crosses to the refrigerator in the garage and takes out a carton of milk.

'''166   EXT. YARD - CLARK AND ELLEN - NIGHT 166'''

Clark, blasted with light, continues to fiddle with the extension cords, unaware that the lights are on. Ellen’ jaw drops.

ELLEN Clark!

CLARK

Just a second, honey, I think I know what’s wrong --

'''167   INT. GARAGE    167'''

Nora crosses back to the door. She turns off the light. CLOSEUP - HOME ELECTRIC METER It slows down.

'''168   INT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 168'''

Margo and Todd climb off the bed and charge the front window. The lights go off. Margo and Todd, temporarily blinded, crash into a table.

'''169   EXT. GRISWOLD HOUSE 169'''

It’s dark.

CLARK

Turn the lights back on, sweetheart,

I can't see what -He looks up slowly. Puzzled. '''170 INT. GARAGE 170'''

Ellen rushes into the garage. She hits the light switch and looks for the plug.

'''171 INT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 171'''

The lights go back on. Todd and Margo are hopping around the room, holding their banged shins. The wine bottle's fallen to the floor along with cheese and crackers and caviar and fruit, flowers, vase and water. It’s a terrible mess, made all the worse by the screaming, bright light flooding into the room. She follows the extension cord to the plug. It's plugged in.

She’s puzzled. Todd has the cheese, fruit, wine bottle, vase and flowers on the table and is carrying it out of the room.

TODD

Get a towel! Quick! There’s wine all over the carpet!

Margo takes off for the bathroom.

'''177   INT. GARAGE    177'''

Ellen sees nothing wrong. She heads back to the door, reaching for the light switch.

'''178   INT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM    178'''

The lights go out. Margo rams into an armoire. O.S., Todd takes a header down the stairs.

'''179   EXT. HOUSE - PORCH  179'''

Art and Clark Sr. come out on the porch.

ART What's all the yelling about?!

CLOSEUP - CLARK Bewildered. He wiggles the cords furiously.

'''180   INT. KITCHEN   180'''

Ellen comes back in the house. She stops as something occurs to her. She thinks for a moment.

'''181   EXT. HOUSE - PORCH  181'''

Art, Clark Sr., Audrey, Francis and Nora are gathered on the porch looking at Clark.

NORA What's he doing, Clark?

CLARK SR.

I haven’t the foggiest --

THEIR POV

Clark's twisting, shaking, whipping the cords and cursing. He throws the cords down and in his rage socks the Santa.

CLARK

Damn it! Damn it! damn it --

CLOSEUP - SANTA

The face caves in when Clark slugs it.

'''182   EXT. YARD 182'''

Clark kicks the reindeer and the sign.

'''183   INT. KITCHEN   183'''

Ellen turns and runs back to the garage.

'''184   EXT. PORCH 184'''

The family is disturbed by Clark's behavior.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He rips the cords from the junction, spreads his arms wide and with a great, dramatic gesture rams them back together.

'''185   INT. GARAGE    185'''

Ellen comes back into the garage. She hits the lights.

'''186   INT. NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE - BEDROOM    186'''

The lights are back on, the room is blown out with light. The armoire is toppled. A television and com ponent stereo is spilled on the bed in a tangle of wires and video cassettes, audio cassettes and CDs.

'''187   INT. NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE - FOYER 187'''

Cheese, fruit, flowers, wine, the table and Todd are littered down the staircase. The harsh light is spilling through the living room, dining room and'foyer windows.

'''188   EXT. HOUSE 188'''

The lights are on. For good.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He's stunned that the lights work.

'''189    EXT. HOUSE 189''' The family comes down off the porch and onto the lawn, admiring the lights.

RUSTY Wow! Dad, it’s incredible!

Ellen comes out of the house and runs to Clark, He takes her under his arm. Rusty under the other, Audrey hugs him and they look up at the house with great pride. The family gathers around.

'''190   EXT. HOUSE - THEIR POV   190'''

A great swell of holiday MUSIC as we HOLD ON the magnificently-decorated house.

'''191   EXT. HOUSE - CLOSEUP - CLARK  191'''

He's in tears. The struggle, the frustration, the anger has paid off. The emotion is too much for him.

'''192   EXT. HOUSE - FAMILY 192'''

It’s a great moment of family warmth and love. Clark embraces Nora, then Clark Sr.

NORA It’s lovely, Clark.

CLARK

You deserve a house like this to spend Christmas in.

CLARK SR.

It’s a beaut, Clark.

CLARK

Dad, Dad, Dad. You taught me everything I know about exterior electrical illumination.

He embraces Francis.

CLARK

Dear, dear Francis. I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays.

FRANCIS It’s wonderful, Clark.

Clark embraces Art.

CLARK

Art, Arthur, Dad. Thanks for being here.

ART You got too many blue lights.

Clark doesn’t mind the insult. He regards it as a charming moment of truth and honesty.

CLARK

I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

Clark moves from Art to the next person. It's COUSIN EDDIE.

He’s dressed in a cheap overcoat with a fake collar and a Kansas City Chiefs stocking cap.

EDDIE The house looks real swell, Clark.

CLARK

Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit.

CATHERINE’S standing next to Clark. She’s wearing a quilted car coat. Clark takes her in his arms, hugs her.

CLARK

Catherine! Dear --

Something’s suddenly not right. Clark lets go of Catherine. He steps back and looks at Eddie and her.

CLARK Eddie?

CATHERINE The house is gorgeous, Clark.

CLARK Eddie?

EDDIE

I sure hope you didn’t do all this on our behalf, Clark.

He turns and yells over his shoulder.

EDDIE

You kids get out here and see what Uncle Clark has done to the house!

CLARK

Eddie ?

CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s baffled.

CLARK

(to himself) Eddie?

He looks off and is hit with another surprise.

HIS POV

The biggest commercially-available RV is backed in his driveway. The door opens and two little kids, a boy and a girl, ROCKY and RUBY SUE, followed by a mixed breed hound, Snots, jump out. Rocky's six and Ruby Sue's five. The kids and dog run across the lawn. CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s stunned. He looks at Ellen.

CLARK Eddie?

CLOSEUP - ELLEN

She’s equally stunned. She shrugs. She doesn't have any idea why Eddie and Catherine have shown up.

'''193 EXT. FRONT YARD                          193'''

Eddie and Catherine greet the grandparents as the kids walk up.

EDDIE

If you don’t remember, this is Rocky.

ART You got a kiss for me?

EDDIE

Better take a rain check on that,

Art. He’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.

Art pats Rocky on the head.

CATHERINE You remember Ruby Sue.

FRANCIS

Oh, my gosh! Her eyes aren’t crossed anymore!

EDDIE

Somethin', ain’t it? Falls in a well, eyes go crossed. Gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.

Eddie slaps Snots on the flanks.

EDDIE This here is our pride and joy.

Snots.

CLARK Pretty name, Ed.

EDDIE

We named him that 'cause he's got sinus troubles.

194   CLOSEUP - SNOTS 194

He SNIFFS, CLEARS his THROAT and --

'''195   EXT. HOUSE 195'''

-- SPITS. Clark looks up with disgust.

EDDIE

(to Snots)

Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly. (to Clark)

You never saw a set on a dog like this one’s got.

CLARK It's alright, Eddie.

EDDIE

You rub his belly, Clark, and he'll love you till the day you die.

CLARK

I really shouldn't. My hands are chapped.

CATHERINE

(to Ellen)

We would have called, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise.

EDDIE Clark? You surprised?

CLARK

Surprised? Eddie, if I woke tomorrow with my head sewed to the carpet, I couldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.

Ellen gives Clark an angry look.

ELLEN

We have plenty of room. Plenty of everything.

(to herself) I think.

EDDIE We're pretty much set in the R.V.

It's a little tight, but we didn’t come to impose.

ART Hell, there's plenty of room. (to Eddie)

Quit being so damn polite, Ed. You want to spend the holidays with four people jammed toe-to-nose in a motor home?

Eddie reevaluates his position.

EDDIE Catherine and me are comfy in there.

Maybe you folks wouldn’t mind the youngsters shacking up with you.

After that drive --

(puts his arm around

Catherine)

We could use some time together, (to Catherine)

Honey, run and get the kids’ things.

And don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils.

'''196 INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER         196'''

Clark and Eddie are standing at the tree sipping eggnog. Eddie's wearing a flannel shirt tucked into sweat pants and leather tie shoes. He's showered. His hair's combed back.

EDDIE

Honey of a tree, Clark. Is it a real one?

CLARK Dug it out of the ground myself.

EDDIE Is that a fact--?

Clark reaches under the tree.

CLOSEUP - SNOTS He's drinking the water out of the tree stand.

'''197 INT. LIVING ROOM - CLARK AND EDDIE      197'''

Clark shoos the dog out from under the tree.

CLARK Get outta there!

EDDIE

Don’t worry about it, Clark, a little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him. Before we left, he drank half a quart of Pennzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning --

CLARK

If he drinks the water out of there, the tree’ll dry out.

EDDIE

Snots! Get outta there! Go to the kitchen and get something to eat!

The dog saunters out of the living room.

EDDIE

Cute, isn’t he? Only problem is, he’s got a little Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he’ll grab your leg and go to town. You don’t want him around if you’re wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. A word of warning, though. If he does start on you, you best let him finish.

CLARK

(changes the subject) I just can't believe you’re actually standing here in my living room. I never thought the day would come.

EDDIE

I’m excited about it, too. It's a cryin’ shame the older kids couldn’t make it. I got the daughter in the clinic to get cured off the Wild Turkey and the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career.

CLARK College?

EDDIE Carnival.

CLARK (facetiously)

You gotta be proud.

EDDIE

Oh, yeah. He worked last season as a pixie dust spreader on the Tilt-OWhirl and he thinks maybe next season he'll be guessing people’s weight or barking for the Yak Woman. You ever see her?

CLARK Sorry to say I haven’t.

EDDIE

Big horns growing right above her ears. Ugly as sin but a real sweet gal and a hell of a good cook.

CLARK

(changing the subject) Can I refill your eggnog, get you something to eat, drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie doesn’t catch the insult.

EDDIE

I’m doing fine, Clark. Just glad to be here.

There’s a lull in the conversation.

CLARK

Yeah. So, when did you get the tenement on wheels?

EDDIE

That’s an R.V. I borrowed it off my buddy. He took my house. We took the R.V. It’s a good-lookin’ vehicle, ain’t it?

CLARK

Beautiful. And it looks so nice backed in the driveway.

EDDIE

Sure does, but don’t go failin’ in love with it. When we leave next month, it’s goin’ with us.

CLARK Huh?

'''198   EXT. CLARK’S HOUSE - NIGHT    198'''

The house is glowing. Neighbors have gathered in the street and on the adjacent lawns.

'''199   EXT. CLARK’S NEIGHBORHOOD 199'''

From several blocks away, the house continues to glow.

'''200   EXT. CLARK’S TOWN   200'''

Clark’s house glows in the distance.

'''201   INT. HOUSE - RUSTY’S BEDROOM - CLOSEUP - ART - NIGHT    201''' He’s staring at the ceiling. He’s bewildered.

HIS POV - CLOSEUP - CEILING - POSTER Two big foot holes are punched through the bimbo's chest.

CLOSEUP - ART

He gives up trying to figure out what happened to the poster.

He rolls over and settles into the bed. He turns AWAY FROM

CAMERA revealing that the back of his head is white with plaster dust. As he pulls the covers up around his shoulders, a cloud of dust rises.

'''202   INT. FAMILY ROOM - CLOSEUP - ROCKY AND RUBY SUE  202'''

They're sleeping in the hide-a-bed. A cage packed with anxious gerbils rests between them. Rocky smiles and we hear the SOFT SPLATTER of WATER on rubber. We MOVE OFF them TO the floor and Rusty and Audrey. Rusty's laying on top of Audrey. She’s struggling beneath his dead-weight.

'''203   INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT   203'''

Clark and Ellen are in bed, awake. The lights are off. The room is illuminated by the outdoor lights.

CLARK

I'm not complaining, I just don't know how we can have a nice Christmas with Eddie here.

ELLEN

Well, they are sleeping the driveway.

CLARK And isn’t that a kick in the nuts?

How can the house look like anything but a junkyard with his shack on wheels parked in the driveway ?

ELLEN

You’ve never judged anyone by how much or how little they have, Clark.

CLARK

No, and I never will. If Eddie was rich --

There’s a long pause.

CLARK/ELLEN He's be worse.

CLARK Good night, sweetheart.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - CHRISTMAS CALENDAR

Eddie’s greasy fingers tear off a door marked, DEC. 21, to reveal a sprig of mistletoe. He leaves a big smudge mark on the calendar.

'''204    EXT. HOUSE - EXTREME CLOSEUP - SANTA - MORNING   204''' MOVE UP FROM Santa’s crushed face TO the house and the RV. The door opens and Eddie lets Snots out. Snots sniffs out the lawn.

'''205   EXT. CLARK'S OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING 205'''

Mid-morning in the business district.

'''206   INT. EXECUTIVE OUTER OFFICE   206'''

Clark pokes his head inside. No secretary. He tiptoes in, holding a poinsettia plant. He crosses to a door, knocks twice.

'''207   INT. FRANK SHIRLEY'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE 207'''

A vast room with an enormous desk. Shirley is seated behind it, having a conversation over the speaker phone.

FRANK

Get Ed Leftic up here and have him look over these figures.

Clark enters with the poinsettia.

CLARK Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas.

CLARK’S POV - MR. SHIRLEY He's become Scrooge counting his money. He doesn't look up.

FRANK What do you want? CLOSEUP - CLARK edging forward.

CLARK

It's me, Clark Griswold. I have a gift for you.

'''208 INT. OFFICE                              208'''

Frank Shirley is back to normal. He waves toward an opposite wall.

FRANK

Put it over there with the others, Grisball.

CLARK

(can't resist)

By the way, sir. Hope my report helped out at the trade show.

FRANK

I'm sure it did. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of an important call.

He picks up the receiver.

Clark turns to put the poinsettia on a sideboard and sees it's jammed with about fifty other poinsettias.

'''209   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT 209'''

The Taurus rolls through heavily-wooded, snow-covered hills.

'''210   EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - SIGN - NIGHT    210'''

A big wooden sign that reads -- OSHGONOGGIN STATE PARK.

'''211   EXT. SLEDDING HILL - NIGHT - LATER 211'''

A parking lot at the bottom. A warming house. Outdoor light illuminates the hill. CHRISTMAS CAROLS are playing on the PA.

'''212   EXT. SLEDDING HILL - TOP - NIGHT   212'''

Clark, Eddie, Audrey, Rusty, Ruby Sue and Rocky are at the top of a suburban park sledding hill. They each have a saucer sled. Clark’s on one knee with his saucer sled upside-down on the snow. He’s shaking a spray can.

CLARK

This is a new non-caloric siliconbased kitchen lubricant my company's working on. It creates a surface 500 times slipperier than any cooking oil. We're really gonna fly down the hill with this stuff.

RUSTY Has anybody ever put it on a sled?

CLARK

Not that I know of.

EDDIE

Don’t put none of it on my sled,

Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?

CLARK How could I forget it?

He sprays the bottom of the sled.

EDDIE

I had to have it replaced because whenever Catherine revved-up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for half hour or so.

EDDIE

Over at V.A. they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain’t as strong. I don’t think I oughta be sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

Clark's growing weary of the endless blabbering.

CLARK Do you really think it matters, Ed?

EDDIE The plate runs right under my part.

If it gets dented, my hair ain’t gonna look right.

Clark groans and flips his sled right-side up.

CLARK

Let me go first and see how it works.

EDDIE Be careful there, Clark.

CLARK There’s nothing to worry about, Ed.

Clark mounts the sled.

CLARK

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark

W. Griswold, Jr.

He sets his palms on the snow and rocks the sled back and forth. It’s extremely slippery.

CLARK

Oh, yeah. This is gonna be some kind of wild ride!

Clark rocks himself back, holds a split second and pushes off. The sled flies off the peak of the hill.

'''213   EXT. HILL - NIGHT   213'''

Looking straight down the hill. Clark's sled streaks down the hill, across the flat and into the dark beyond. One moment he's on top of the hill, the next, he's gone.

'''214   EXT. HILL - EDDIE AND KIDS    214'''

They’re stunned by how fast Clark flew down the hill.

'''215   EXT. PARKING LOT    215'''

Clark's sled sails through the parking lot.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s holding on for dear life, screaming all the way.

'''216   EXT. PARKING LOT. CLARK’S POV 216'''

LOW and MOVING. Barely missing cars, people jumping out of the way and heading for a Jeep. CLOSEUP - CLARK

He leans back and closes his eyes in anticipation of serious injury. EXT. PARKING LOT - JEEP LOW. The sled shoots under the Jeep and out.

'''217   EXT. STREET    217'''

Clark's sled flies out of the parking lot and onto the street. He reappears every few seconds as he passes through the pools- of street lamp light.

'''218   EXT. STAND OF TREES 218'''

A heavily wooded area. Branches are breaking, BIRDS are roused and SQUAWKING.

'''219   EXT. SHOPPING CENTER - CHARITY TOY COLLECTION BOX 219'''

A big red and green metal bin resting in the parking lot.

EXT. PARKING LOT

Out of the darkness into the harsh mercury vapor light of the parking lot, comes Clark and his sled. Sparks fly as he strikes dry pavement. CLOSEUP - CLARK He opens his eyes for a terrified moment.

HIS POV

The collection box is coming up fast. A freshly-painted Santa and the words HO! HO! HO! is on the red bin. CLOSEUP - CLARK He braces for the crash.

'''220   EXT. SLEDDING HILL - EDDIE AND KIDS 220'''

In the distance, we hear the METAL BOOM of Clark’s impact.

EDDIE Bingo!

'''221   INT. CLARK’S OFFICE 221'''

He’s sitting behind his desk, staring out the window. Bill walks in.

BILL Clark?

Clark turns in his chair.

BILL Staying late?

CLARK

Just finishing up a few things. Last day of the year for me.

BILL Have a really merry Christmas.

CLARK Thank you. You, too.

Bill starts to exit. Clark stops him.

CLARK Did you get your bonus yet?

BILL

I just talked to my son. He said a messenger brought a company envelope to the house. I guess that's it. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. Did you get yours?

Clark shakes his head, no.

BILL

If it’s not already at your place, it has to be on its way. Don’t worry about it.

CLARK

If I don't get my bonus I’m in it -(hand to his nose) -- up to here.

BILL

Don’t sweat it. It’ll come. Merry Christmas.

CLARK Same to you.

Bill exits.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s concerned that something’s gone wrong.

'''222   EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT  222'''

The exterior lights are on. The interior lights are off except for a single light in the kitchen. It’s late.

'''223   INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 223'''

Clark’s in a red bathrobe, standing at the sink looking out the window. He’s lost in troubled thought. HIS POV

Out the window. It’s daytime. The pool is in and the kids are in the water. CLOSEUP - CLARK A big, happy, dreamy smile.

HIS POV Clark and Ellen have joined the fantasy.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He slips deeper into his fantasy. MUSIC FADES UP.

HIS POV

Mary, the girl from the department store, is bouncing on the diving board. MUSIC’S PLAYING. She plays to Clark in the kitchen, waving for him to come out.

'''224 EXT. HOUSE - CLOSEUP - CLARK             224'''

In the window, looking out. It's dark inside, light outside. Mary’s reflected in the window glass. Clark’s in his robe. He shakes his head, "no." He's embarrassed. CLOSEUP - MARY Big, sexy smile. She mouths, "Come on!"

CLOSEUP - CLARK From the outside. He begs off again.

CLOSEUP - MARY

She reaches around behind her back and (BELOW FRAME) unfastens her top. CLOSEUP - CLARK He presses his face to the cold glass.

CLOSEUP - MARY’S FEET

She kicks off her bathing suit bottom.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

His face is severely pressed to the window. The bathing suit bottom hits the window.

'''225 INT. KITCHEN DOOR - NIGHT                225'''

Ruby Sue appears in the doorway, in her pajamas, rubbing sleepy eyes. She squints. She sees Clark. Her jaw drops. HER POV

Clark is leaning against the sink with his face pressed to the window. We hear a SPLASH. Her eyes are wide and her jaw is slack.

RUBY SUE Holy shit! Santa Claus!

CLOSEUP - CLARK

From outside. It's dark again. The pool fantasy has evaporated. He's startled.

'''228   INT. KITCHEN - CLARK 228'''

He lets out a sharp cry as he turns quickly from the window to face Ruby Sue.

'''229   INT. KITCHEN   229'''

Ruby Sue approaches Clark.

RUBY SUE Uncle Clark! Are you Santy Claus?

CLARK

Boy, you scared me. No. I’m not Santa Claus. I wish I was.

Clark sits at the kitchen table and pats his heart. He composes himself.

CLARK How come you’re up, sweetheart?

RUBY SUE Rocky bit my thumb.

CLARK Huh?

RUBY SUE

My mom puts bad tasting crap on his thumb so he don’t suck it so sometimes he sucks mine and he has a bad dream, sometimes he bites it.

CLARK Oh.

RUBY SUE

Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Clark senses a problem. He sits down and offers his knee to Ruby Sue.

CLARK Excited or nervous?

RUBY SUE Shitting bricks.

CLARK You shouldn’t use that word.

RUBY SUE Sorry. He’s shitting rocks.

CLARK Don’t use the 'S’ word.

RUBY SUE

Oh. Him’s nervous because he don’t know if he’s getting nothing.

CLARK Are you in school?

RUBY SUE Firstus grade.

CLARK

(to himself)

Good school system. I don’t think he should be nervous. And you shouldn’t be either. Because if you’re good, Santa Claus knows it. If you believe in him and you believe in your mom and your -- dad and you’ve been good all year, Santa Claus will bring you something.

RUBY SUE

Sometimes I think all that Santa crap’s just bull. If he was so real how’s come he didn’t give us squat last year? We didn’t do nothing wrong and we got the shaft.

CLARK

I know for a fact that Santa Claus is real. And somehow in the next couple days I’m going to prove it to you. He comes to this house every year. I’ve seen him.

RUBY SUE That’s for true?

CLARK

Cross my heart. It's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn’t it ?

RUBY SUE

(nods)

I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place.

CLARK I think you better get back in bed.

RUBY SUE How’s come you ain’t sleeping?

CLARK I was just looking for something.

Did you notice if a man came to the house today to deliver a letter?

Ruby Sue thinks hard as she recalls the day.

RUBY SUE Nope. How come?

CLARK

Just wondering. You go back to bed now, okay?

RUBY SUE Okay.

She slips down off his lap and waddles across the kitchen.

She stops and turns back to Clark.

RUBY SUE You sure you ain’t Santy Claus?

Clark smiles and shakes his head. Ruby Sue exits.

CLARK

(to himself)

I can't even afford to be an elf.

Clark walks back to the kitchen window and looks out.

HIS POV

Mary’s bathing suit is laying on the frozen ground in the dark, cold, barren back yard. Clark’s standing at the window looking out. Ellen walks in.

ELLEN Aren’t you having breakfast?

CLARK I’m not really in the mood.

ELLEN What are you looking at?

CLARK

The silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool, chill of holiday air. And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

She pulls the curtain aside and looks out.

HER POV

Eddie, unshaven, in his bathrobe, black socks, brown loafers, a baseball cap, with bare legs and a cigarette is watching over a four inch black plastic corrugated hose that runs from the RV, across the lawn to the curb and the sewer. Snots is on a rope anchored to the manger. The Santa, the busted reindeer and assorted trash bags are piled up on the curb. Eddie takes a drag of his cigarette, spits and looks to the window. He notices Clark and Ellen in the window. He smiles and waves. Todd comes out the front door in sweats. He's on his way for a run. He notices a strange odor. He looks to Clark's house. HIS POV

Eddie smoking his cigarette, kicking the hose to keep it flowing. The RV's in the drive, Snots is tied to the manger. Eddie sees Todd. He waves.

EDDIE Merry Christmas!

CLOSEUP - TODD He's shocked.

'''235   EXT. HOUSE - EDDIE  235'''

Eddie leans down and picks up Clark’s saucer sled. The bottom is worn clean through, He hurls it toward the RV, intending

to keep it.

'''236   INT. LIVING ROOM    236'''

Clark turns away from the window in disgust.

ELLEN

You know, Clark, I have this terrible suspicion that he and Catherine don't have any presents for their kids.

Clark recalls the conversation with Ruby Sue.

ELLEN

Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa wasn’t coming this year.

CLARK

Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How could they not have anything for their kids?

ELLEN

Eddie's been out of work for close to seven years.

CLARK

In seven years he couldn't find a job?

ELLEN

Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.

CLARK Jeez, what a worm.

'''237 INT. TOY STORE - DAY                     237'''

A large, chain toy store jammed with last minute holiday shoppers. Eddie and Clark are strolling down an aisle.

CLARK How's the live bait business, Ed?

EDDIE Can't complain. How’re you doing?

CLARK Not that good, actually.

EDDIE

Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?

CLARK No, we missed out on that one.

CLARK

(continues)

You’re pretty well set so far as shopping goes?

Eddie senses that Clark knows he’s been lying.

EDDIE

(after a pause)

Can’t lie to you, Clark. The truth is things aren't going good at all. I said I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? It’s mine. We live in it. I sold off the house and the barn and the ten acres. All I kept was a 50 foot plot and the pigs and the worm farm.

(angry)

If I had back all the money me and

Catherine sent that T.V. preacher that was screwing the hockey player --

CLARK What about the kids?

EDDIE

I sent the money to the preacher himself, his kids can fend for themselves.

CLARK Your kids, Ed.

EDDIE

Oh, well, that’s the bitch of it,

Clark. I don’t know what to do. We coasted into town on fumes. Gas money run out in Kankakee.

CLARK

Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas.

EDDIE I couldn’t do that, Clark.

CLARK No, we insist.

EDDIE I’m not one for charity, Clark.

CLARK

I know that Eddie, but it’s not charity. It’s family.

EDDIE

I don’t know --

CLARK

If you don’t tell me what they want, I’ll get the stuff on my own.

EDDIE

Boy, this is a surprise, Clark. Just a real nice surprise.

Eddie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of brown paper grocery bag.

EDDIE

Here’s a little list. Alphabetical starting with' Catherine. And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark. Something real nice.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - CHRISTMAS CALENDAR

Ruby Sue’s hand opens a door marked, DEC. 24. Behind the paper door is a candy cane. Ruby Sue leans INTO FRAME and licks it.

'''238 EXT. CLARK’S HOUSE - MORNING             238'''

A beautiful sunrise. Except for the RV and the dog tied to the manger and the Santa and the broken reindeer on the curb, the house looks great. It opens to reveal Clark and Rusty helping an elderly woman, AUNT BETHANY, and her husband, UNCLE LEWIS into the house.

Rusty's following behind with their gifts. Uncle Lewis is in his late eighties, cranky, stooped, dressed in a tweed suit and sucking on a long cigar. Aunt Bethany's also in her late eighties, four and a half feet tall, wearing a well-worn mink stole, a polyester pant suit and a hat. She's taking two-inch steps, clinging to Clark.

BETHANY Don't throw me down, Clark.

CLARK I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

CLARK'S POV Aunt Bethany is now a skeleton.

CLARK

(calls) We're here!

UNCLE LEWIS

Say, Griz, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you.

CLARK

Gee, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to get me anything.

UNCLE LEWIS Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it!

Ellen, Catherine and Francis come into the foyer from the kitchen.

AUNT BETHANY

Oh, that was fun! I love riding in cars.

Ellen helps her off with her coat as Francis and Catherine greet her.

CATHERINE Aunt Bethany, you look so wonderful.

Hello, Uncle Lewis.

UNCLE LEWIS How do, princess.

FRANCIS Hello, Bethany. Lewis.

Francis embraces Uncle Lewis. The rest of the family crowds into the foyer. Lewis shifts his cigar in his mouth to keep it from setting Francis’s hair on fire.

UNCLE LEWIS

Watch the stinkeroo! I don’t want you to burn down your wig.

'''244   INT. FOYER - RUSTY AND RUBY SUE    244'''

Ruby Sue tugs on Rusty's coat to get his attention. He looks down at her.

RUBY SUE Who’re the old geezers?

RUSTY

That's your mom and my mom's great aunt and uncle.

RUBY SUE What's so great about 'em?

'''245   INT. FOYER 245'''

Ellen helps Bethany off with her stole. Clark tries to help Lewis with his.

UNCLE LEWIS Get your fingers out of my armpits!

He peels off his hat and hands it to Clark. He's bald.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He looks at Lewis curiously. Something's not right. He looks in the hat. CLOSEUP - HAT

A gray toupee is inside the hat. Lewis has removed his hat and his hair.

'''246   INT. FOYER 246'''

Clark takes the toupee out of the hat and attempts to place it back on Lewis's head. He stands behind Lewis waiting for his opportunity.

RUSTY Where do you want the presents, Mom?

ELLEN In the living room. Thanks. (to Aunt Bethany)

Aunt Bethany, you shouldn’t have done that.

AUNT BETHANY Oh, dear. Did I break wind?

UNCLE LEWIS

Jee-zuz! Did the room clear out,

Bethany? Hell, no! She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Clark tries to drop the toupee on Lewis’s head. He moves forward. Ellen sees him. He explains what happened in gesture.

AUNT BETHANY

Well, heavens, it isn't every day that somebody moves into a new house.

UNCLE LEWIS They didn’t move to a new house!

AUNT BETHANY You’ll have to speak up, dear.

Uncle Lewis throws his arms in the air and heads for the living room. Clark flips the toupee, Frisbee-style at Lewis. CLOSEUP - LEWIS

The toupee lands on his head. He looks up. He pats his head and straightens his toupee.

'''247 INT. FOYER                               247'''

Clark take’s Bethany’s coat from Ellen and hangs Lewis's and her coats in the closet.

RUSTY Mom?

ELLEN

Just put the presents in the living room.

RUSTY

But, Mom --

ELLEN Not tomorrow, Rusty. Now!

AUNT BETHANY

This house is much bigger than your old one.

ELLEN

(to Aunt Bethany)

Why don’t you go with Catherine into the living room and say hello to everybody?

AUNT BETHANY Oh, sure.

Catherine and Francis help her into the living room.

RUSTY Mom?

ELLEN What?!

RUSTY This box is meowing.

Clark takes the box from Rusty. He shakes it. From inside we hear a MUTED CAT'S MEOW.

CLARK She wrapped up her damn cat!

ELLEN

Take it in the kitchen and open it up.

CLARK

Then we'll have a cat running around.

ELLEN You can't leave it in a box.

RUSTY

Why would somebody wrap a cat in a box?

ELLEN She gets confused, Rusty. She’s old.

She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money. She takes things from around the house and wraps them up as gifts.

RUSTY

Oh, great. I can’t wait to see what I got.

Eddie walks back in with a box.

EDDIE This one’s leaking.

Eddie licks his finger.

EDDIE Mmm. It’s cherry-flavored.

Ellen samples it.

ELLEN

Oh, God. It’s her Jell-O mold. I'll take it. Everybody just go into the living room.

The foyer clears, leaving Ellen and Clark with their packages. Ellen's is leaking. Clark's is HOWLING.

'''248 INT. LIVING ROOM                         248'''

Aunt Bethany is sitting with a fat Persian cat in her lap. Lewis, Clark and Eddie are standing at the tree. Audrey’s sitting next to her.

AUNT BETHANY I have a cat just like this at home.

Audrey forces a polite smile.

UNCLE LEWIS

Clark, that's the ugliest goddamn Christmas tree I've ever did see.

What the hell did you do to it?

He reaches out and touches it.

UNCLE LEWIS

I’m glad I'm not sleeping here tonight.

CLARK You and me both.

UNCLE LEWIS

This son of a bitch can’t wait to catch fire and kill a household.

EDDIE

(sniffs)

Hmm! Boy! Do you smell that?

AUNT BETHANY

Oh, dear! I’m so sorry --

UNCLE LEWIS

The turkey, Bethany! He's smelling the turkey!

'''249 INT. DINING ROOM - CLOSEUP - TURKEY     249'''

It’s a magnificent twenty-pound turkey. Perfectly prepared, perfectly presented. CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks up from the turkey with delight.

CLARK

Catherine, if your turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a big treat.

Catherine smiles sheepishly.

EDDIE Save the neck for me, Clark.

Clark throws Eddie a tired glance. He puts his smile back on and prepares to carve the turkey. CLOSEUP - TURKEY

Clark puts the gleaming knife to the turkey. He punctures the hind end. A great gush of gas escapes.

'''250 INT. DINING ROOM                         250'''

Everyone leans back from the table as the turkey SPUTTERS and COUGHS.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - TURKEY The slit in the turkey skin flutters as the gas escapes.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He’s leaning back. The gas runs out and the SPUTTERING STOPS.

Clark leans forward and looks at the turkey.

CLOSEUP - TURKEY The legs slowly begin to rise up on their own.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He leans back again. His look is curious and mildly frightened.

'''251 INT. DINING ROOM                         251'''

Everyone leans back again.

CLOSEUP - TURKEY

The legs are standing straight up. The wings pull away from the body and extend themselves. The incision Clark made begins to expand. It tears slowly from the crotch to the neck with the sound of RIPPING CANVAS. CLOSEUP - CLARK

He's leaned back as far as he can go. His eyes are wide with alarm. CLOSEUP - TURKEY

The skin separates like two hard, brown flower petals opening in time-lapse, exposing the breast meat. A beat and it falls from the bones in dry, dusty threads. CLOSEUP - CLARK

He fishes through the debris and comes up with a can of prepared poultry stuffing.

CLARK Ed? Did you make the dressing?

CLOSEUP - EDDIE He smiles.

EDDIE

I gotta confess, Clark, it's store bought. Found it in the R.V. last night. All you gotta do is pop the top off it and serve it up.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He glances down at Ellen, seated at the other end of the table.

CLOSEUP - ELLEN She offers a stern, silent warning for him to keep quiet.

'''252   INT. LIVING ROOM    252'''

Bethany’s cat approaches the Christmas tree and sniffs the needles.

'''253   INT. DINING ROOM    253'''

Clark has served everyone their turkey threads. He makes an announcement.

CLARK

Since this is Bethany’s 80th

Christmas -Everyone breaks into applause, including Aunt Bethany.

CLARK

I think she should lead us in the saying of grace. Bethany?

AUNT BETHANY What, dear?

NORA Grace.

AUNT BETHANY

(after a pause)

Grace? She passed on, oh, goodness, thirty years ago?

UNCLE LEWIS Aw, for the love of God and country. She won’t wear a hearing aid because she says it makes her look old.

(to Bethany)

They want you to say the grace!

Aunt Bethany shakes her head, "no." She doesn’t get it.

UNCLE LEWIS The blessing!

Bethany catches on. She bows her head. The others follow suit. She clears her throat. Several times.

AUNT BETHANY

I pledge allegiance to the flag --

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks up.

CLOSEUP - EDDIE He looks at Clark.

CLOSEUP - LEWIS

He exhales loudly out his nose and strokes his forehead in defeat. CLOSEUP - BETHANY She continues.

AUNT BETHANY

-- of the United States of America -

-

Everyone joins in. They all slowly rise off their seats and put their hands over their hearts.

ALL

-- And to the Republic for which it stands --

'''254   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 254'''

Aunt Bethany's cat is playing with the Christmas tree lights.

Batting them. She bites a strand and pulls. She backs up, pulling the lights off the tree.

'''255   INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT 255'''

Everyone's eating in silence. Art picks through the over- cooked food with disgust. Nora scowls at Eddie’s kids’ horrible table manners. Lewis power-spits an olive pit into his hand. Bethany is eating with a huge serving fork which Francis removes from her, replacing it with a conventional fork, all of which she is oblivious to.

Clark takes a bite of Jello mold. Eddie feeds the dog nder the table. It CRUNCHES loudly. And tastes terrible. Clark Sr. cuts Audrey's meat for her. Rusty struggles to keep Rocky out of his food. Catherine silently apologizes for her family's manners.

CLARK

I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa Claus' sled on his way in from New York.

The adults look to the kids for their reaction. Ruby Sue and Rocky smile.

EDDIE You serious, Clark?

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He gives Eddie a tired look. He takes a bite of Jello mold.

He chews, It doesn't taste right. He looks down at his plate.

CLOSEUP - JELLO MOLD In the Jello mold are little dry cat food stars.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He takes a sip of water and swishes it around his mouth.

CLARK

Bethany? By any chance, does your cat eat Jello?

CLOSEUP - ELLEN She gives Clark a dirty look.

CLOSEUP - EDDIE He’s chewing his Jello. Crunching away.

EDDIE

I don’t know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it. Clark? You want to load me up with a little more? It is goo-ood!

From underneath the table comes a loud, ugly DOG COUGH.

Everyone but Bethany stops eating. The DOG COUGHS again A deep, resonant crack. The DOG COUGHS again. An extremely LONG and DEEP COUGH. The force of the cough causes the dog to hit the table leg and rattle the glassware.

CLARK Ed?

EDDIE Yeah, Clark?

CLARK What’s wrong with your dog?

CATHERINE

(to Eddie)

Honey? Maybe the bow you put around his neck is too tight.

Eddie peeks under the table.

EDDIE

(sitting up)

He was yacking on a bone but he got it up. He’s alright now.

CLARK

Maybe if you didn't feed him from the table.

EDDIE

No, Clark. He was probably just nosing around in the trash.

'''256   INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - LATER  256'''

Trash is strewn across the kitchen floor. Snots has gotten into the trash under the sink and has spread it across the

kitchen floor.

'''257   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 257'''

The cat continues to pull the lights off the tree.

'''258   INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - LATER  258'''

Clark and Ellen are cleaning up the mess.

CLARK

I don’t know why he isn’t in here cleaning this up. It was his dog --

ELLEN

If you want to go in and have dessert, I’ll finish.

CLARK

That's alright. When I was cutting the pie, I found half a Band-aid.

ELLEN

That must have been Ruby Sue. She was helping roll the dough. Did you find the other half?

'''259   INT. DINING ROOM - CLOSEUP - LEWIS AND BETHANY   259'''

Bethany is chewing with considerable difficulty. She swallows hard. Lewis leans back and yells to the kitchen.

UNCLE LEWIS

Griz! You’re not doing anything constructive, you wanna run into the living room and get my stogie?

'''260   INT. KITCHEN   260'''

The last of the mess is off the floor. Clark is annoyed with the order from Lewis.

CLARK

Anything else I can do for you, Lewis?

ELLEN

He’s an old man. This could be his last Christmas.

CLARK

He keeps it up. Ellen, it will be his last Christmas.

He exits the kitchen.

'''261 INT. LIVING ROOM - CLOSEUP - CAT         261'''

It’s still chewing. It yanks its head for a little more strand.

Clark walks in and takes Uncle Lewis’ cigar case from the coffee table. The lights on the tree go out. Clark looks at the tree, puzzled. He walks over to it. He bends down and plugs in the lights. The tree lights go back on. Clark starts to straighten up. He notices something. CLOSEUP - FLOOR The strand the cat’s chewing is unplugged.

CLARK He plugs the lights in.

There's a horrendous SCREECH from under the club chair. A tremendous electrical SIZZLE, the lights dim and then an EXPLOSION and the house falls dark.

'''262   INT. UTILITY ROOM OR GARAGE   262'''

Rusty holds a cigarette lighter to the circuit box. He resets the breaker and the lights go on.

'''263   INT. LIVING ROOM    263'''

Clark and Eddie are at the chair. The others are gathered around and behind. The room smells horrible.

ELLEN What’s that smell?

EDDIE I think it’s your chair, Ellen.

CLARK Move it away from the wall.

ART

I told you you had too many plugs in one socket.

Clark grumbles to himself. He and Eddie lift the chair and carry it away from the wall.

Everyone leans forward to see what's behind the chair.

There's a collective gasp.

CLARK

Oh, God --

CLOSEUP - FLOOR

The blackened, smoldering outline of a cat scorched into the carpet. CLOSEUP - AUNT BETHANY AND UNCLE LEWIS They’re trying to see past the others.

UNCLE LEWIS What is it?

Ellen shepherds them away.

ELLEN

It's nothing. Let’s go finish our dessert.

Eddie tilts the chair and looks at the underside. EDDIE

If this one's got nine lives, she just spent 'em all.

'''264 INT. FOYER - LATER                       264'''

CLARK Dad? Can you get the door?

Clark Sr. opens the front door. Ellen walks in.

ELLEN What are you doing, Clark?

CLARK What's it look like I’m doing?

Throwing away the chair.

ELLEN Is it ruined?

CLARK

Honey, you and I will not outlive the stink in this piece of furniture.

ELLEN What did you do with the cat?

CLARK

There’s nothing to do anything with,

Ellen. It blew up. Eddie found its asshole stuck to the wall, for God’s sake.

ELLEN Watch your mouth!

RUSTY

Oh, sick! I thought it was a piece of licorice Rocky spit on the wall.

EDDIE

You know, Clark, if somebody hadda got hit with that thing, it coulda put an eye out.

CLARK

Thanks for sharing that with me, Eddie.

They cart the chair outside. Ellen makes a general

announcement.

ELLEN

Everything’s fine now. Let’s just carry on. It’s tragic and distressing, but it’s over.

'''265 EXT. HOUSE - CURB                        265'''

Clark and Eddie dump the chair on the parkway next to the Santa and the reindeer. Clark notices an odor.

.EDDIE

If you wouldn’t mind, Clark, I’d like to see if I can fumigate that chair. It’s a good-quality item. You mind if I ask how much it set you back?

CLARK Do you smell something?

EDDIE Deep-fried pussy cat.

CLARK No, it’s some kind of gas.

Clark looks into the gutter.

CLARK It's coming from the sewer.

Eddie picks up the Santa and sets it over the sewer grate.

EDDIE That oughta take care of it.

Clark shakes his head in disgust and heads back up to the house.

'''266   INT. LIVING ROOM    266'''

Uncle Lewis is alone in the living room. He’s standing in front of the tree. He's lighting his cigar. He puffs furiously and he waves the flame under his stoggie. He shakes the match. It doesn't go out.

'''267   INT. LIVING ROOM - CLARK 267'''

Clark has come back inside. He's putting his coat in the closet. There's a flash of intense light from the living room and a low-pitched poof! Clark dashes into the living room.

'''268   INT. LIVING ROOM - CLARK 268'''

He rushes in and recoils in alarm.

CLARK Lewis!

HIS POV

Uncle Lewis is happily puffing a cigar. The quick, in tense flash fire has left the tree a blackened skeleton. CLOSEUP - CLARK He’s in horror.

CLARK The tree!

UNCLE LEWIS He looks up, oblivious to the raging fire storm behind.

UNCLE LEWIS

(cranky)

What’re you yelling about?

CLARK He points.

CLARK Look what you did to my tree!

'''269   INT. LIVING ROOM - UNCLE LEWIS 269'''

He catches the signal and turns to look at the tree. He turns around. His backside’s in flames. CLOSEUP - CLARK Horror upon horror.

CLOSEUP - UNCLE LEWIS He’s looking wide-eyed at the burning tree.

'''270   INT. LIVING ROOM    270'''

Clark rips a curtain down and dashes to Uncle Lewis.

CLOSEUP - SMOKE DETECTOR

It GOES OFF.

'''271   INT. KITCHEN   271'''

The women are cleaning up the kitchen and getting desert ready, Christmas CAROLS are playing on the RADIO, the TV’s BLASTING for Aunt Bethany’s benefit. Ellen hears the SMOKE DETECTOR.

ELLEN Is that the smoke alarm?

NORA

(listens)

Sounds like it.

ELLEN Lewis probably lit a cigar.

'''272   INT. LIVING ROOM    272'''

The tree has burned out. Clark slowly unwraps Lewis from the curtain. CLOSEUP - UNCLE LEWIS

His toupee's in his face, his cigar’s crushed but still smoldering.

UNCLE LEWIS

Griz, you're on my priority shit list.

'''273   INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER 273'''

The tree is a blackened skeleton. The ceiling is black ened. The few gifts that were placed around the bottom of the tree are charred. The ornaments and lights are fried. The carpet around the tree is melted.

The family, minus Clark, is in the living room, looking at the burned tree.

ART It was an ugly tree anyway.

UNCLE LEWIS At least it’s out of its misery.

Ellen takes Rusty and Audrey into the foyer.

ROCKY

(to Eddie)

Will Santy Claus still come?

EDDIE

(thinks)

That’s a good question, Rock.

Catherine? If the tree's --

CATHERINE Of course he’ll still come, Rocky.

UNCLE LEWIS

If he’s smart, he’ll stay well clear of this joint, It’s a deathtrap from stem to stern.

'''274   INT. FOYER - ELLEN AND KIDS   274'''

Audrey and Rusty are confused and upset.

AUDREY

Mom? The tree burned down, the cat blew up --

ELLEN

I know, honey, but there's nothing we can do about it.

RUSTY Dad's gonna flip out, right?

ELLEN

Nobody's going to flip out. We’re going to have a wonderful Christmas. We just have to be patient. There’s nothing to be upset about.

The DOORBELL CHIMES. Clark stomps in from the kitchen. He grabs the front door handle and whips it open.

'''275   INT. HOUSE - DOORWAY 275'''

A DELIVERY BOY in a blue uniform is standing at the door He's holding the door knocker that's been torn off the door in his hand. The door wreath with blinking lights is dangling around his arm. His other hand is poised over the doorbell, index finger pointed. He’s shocked. CLOSEUP - CLARK He barks at the Boy.

CLARK What the hell do you want?!

CLOSEUP - DELIVERY BOY He's horrified.

DELIVERY BOY I have a delivery for Clark W.

Griswold. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday but it fell between the seats and I didn’t see it. I'm sorry.

He holds up an envelope.

CLOSEUP - CLARK His angry expression withers as he sees the envelope.

'''276 INT. FOYER                               276'''

The Delivery Boy hands Clark the envelope.

DELIVERY BOY Merry Christmas.

CLARK

(looking up from the envelope)

Merry Christmas -He closes the door and stares at the envelope.

CLARK I can’t believe it.

ART

What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?

CLARK It's from my company.

ELLEN Your bonus!

CLARK My bonus!

He grabs Ellen and hugs and kisses her. He brings Audrey and Rusty into his embrace.

NORA Open it, Clarkie.

EDDIE Clark? I hope it’s a fortune.

Clark starts to sob. Smiling, sobbing, gushing emotion.

UNCLE LEWIS I never saw such a sight, jeezuzzz!

CLARK

I thought -- I never knew -- I was afraid --

ART

You gonna bawl all over it or are you going to open it?

CLARK

I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you all this but what the heck. With this bonus check -(holds up the envelope)

-- I am putting in a swimming pool!

There’s a moment of stunned silence followed by a glee ful outburst.

CLARK That's it, the big one.

ELLEN Open it, honey.

CLARK

I’m sorry if I've been a little short with everyone. I've been waiting for this check. To make sure the pool goes in as soon as the ground thaws, I had to lay out the money in advance. Until this little miracle arrived, I didn't have the money to cover the check.

AUDREY Tear the sucker open, Dad!

He tears open the envelope slowly and deliberately, teasing himself and the others. He brings the envelope to his lips and blows, inflating it. With great flair, he reaches two fingers into the envelope and snares its contents. He withdraws a green slip of paper. He waves it in the air.

CLARK

If there's enough left over, I'll fly you all in to help us dedicate it!

EDDIE Clark? I can't swim.

CLARK I know.

He turns the slip of paper over and looks at it.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

His face freezes. He stares at the check. He lets out a strange, high-pitched giggle. Then he turns deadly serious.

The family stares at Clark, unable to understand his sudden change of spirit.

ELLEN Clark? What's wrong?

Clark doesn't answer. He just stares at the piece of paper.

ELLEN Honey?

He doesn't respond.

ELLEN Is it bigger than you expected?

Clark shakes his head, no.

ELLEN Smaller?

Clark shakes his head again.

ELLEN Well, what is it?

CLARK

A one-year membership in the JellyOf-The-Month Club.

ELLEN Oh, God, Clark.

The family is knocked into silence by the news. EDDIE

(innocently)

That’s a gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

CLARK

That it is, Edward. That it is, indeed.

Ellen tries to calm Clark down, fearing another explosion.

ELLEN Clark? I'm sorry.

The family backs away as Clark's temper rises.

CLARK

If this isn’t the biggest bag-overthe-head punch in the face I ever got. Goddamnit! Listen, if any of you are looking for last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss. Right here.

Tonight.

CLOSEUP - EDDIE He looks at Clark as an idea seeps into his thoughts.

CLARK (O.S.)

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with the other rich people and I want him brought right here.

'''277 INT. FOYER                               277'''

Clark’s eyes are wide with anger.

CLARK

With a big ribbon on his head. I want to look him in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flusing, low-life, snake-lickin’, dirt-eatin’, in-bred, overstuffed, ignorant, pus-oozing, blood sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, heartless, hopeless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stifflegged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! (pause)

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?!

Clark storms out of the room into the kitchen, leaving the family silent. CLOSEUP - EDDIE He grins.

CLOSEUP - ELLEN She clears her throat.

ELLEN How about some eggnog?

O.S. a CHAINSAW kicks in.

'''278 EXT. HOUSE                               278'''

Clark comes out of the garage with the CHAINSAW ROARING.

Ellen and all the kids hurry out the front door.

AUDREY He's got that look, doesn’t he?

RUSTY We should have gone to Hawaii.

ELLEN

Turn that thing off and get in the house!

Clark ignores her and heads for the corner of the house.

RUSTY I’ll talk to him, Mom.

Rusty steps off the porch and approaches Clark.

RUSTY Dad?

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He turns to Rusty. He has an angry look in his eyes and a chainsaw in his hands. CLOSEUP - RUSTY He steps back.

RUSTY Good talk, Dad.

Clark turns from Rusty and marches across his lawn to a blue spruce on the corner of his property. He lays the chainsaw into the trunk and yells at the top of his voice.

CLARK Tim-bar!!

'''279 INT. TODD AND MARGO’S HOUSE - NIGHT     279'''

They're sitting in the living room having cocktails, listening to New Age Christmas MUSIC.

MARGO

Aren't you just the tiniest bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree? Even if they are dirty and messy and corny and cliched?

TODD

Where are we going to get a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?

Behind them, the end of Clark's blue spruce CRASHES through their WINDOW.

'''280 INT. MASTER BATHROOM - LATER             280'''

Clark's washing his hands. Ellen is scowling at him.

CLARK What?

ELLEN Was that really necessary?

Clark plays dumb. The heat of the moment has cooled and he feels slightly foolish for his outburst.

CLARK What?

ELLEN Making a scene like that?

CLARK We needed a tree.

ELLEN

May I remind you --

CLARK

(finishes her thought)

That this was my idea. No. I am well aware of it.

ELLEN

Could you keep that in mind next time you go berserk?

CLARK

I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin -tree. There are no tree lots open on

Christmas Eve. Your uncle burned down my tree so I simply replaced it as best I could.

ELLEN You're okay?

CLARK Honey, I’m fine.

Clark picks up his chainsaw off the bathroom vanity and exits.

'''281   INT. HOUSE - FOYER - STAIRWAY - NIGHT 281'''

Clark comes down the stairs. He grabs the newelpost and the ornamental piece atop it comes loose in his hand. He looks at it angrily, puts it back, STARTS UP the CHAINSAW and levels the newelpost in one, clean swipe.

CLARK

(loud, to Ellen) Fixed the newelpost!

'''282   EXT. STREET    282'''

The burned tree is on the curb next to the chair. The RV backs out of the driveway.

'''283   INT. LIVING ROOM    283'''

The new tree is up and has been hastily decorated with ornaments salvaged from the burned tree. A single strand of lights, melted, elongated bulbs, and charred tinsel. The family has reassembled in the living room. Clark walks in and places presents under the tree.

CLOSEUP - BETHANY

She perks up.

AUNT BETHANY What’s that sound?

All eyes turn to Bethany.

BETHANY

Do you hear it? A funny squeaking sound?

UNCLE LEWIS

You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant --

CLARK Shh! I hear it, too.

We hear a FAINT but distinctive, HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL.

'''284   INT. LAUNDRY ROOM   284'''

Snots is locked in the laundry where he's thoroughly chewed up a full load of wash. He stops chewing. He looks at the door. His ears perk up.

'''285   INT. LIVING ROOM    285'''

The SQUEALING grows LOUDER. Everyone leans forward to listen closer. CLOSEUP - CLARK He leans down to the tree and has a listen.

CLARK I don't hear it anymore.

HIS POV

Thick, fresh branches with charred ornaments and a single strand of lights. CLOSEUP - CLARK

From inside the tree. Clark’s hand separates the branches as he peers into the tree. A sudden look of shock. HIS POV A squirrel LEAPS INTO CAMERA.

All hell breaks loose as a wild crazed, SHRIEKING SQUIRREL bursts into the room.

CLARK Holy infant!

RUSTY Squirrel!

People are running every which way, bumping into each other. Nora faints dead away in the middle of the room. Lewis' cigar ashes spray as he rams Clark Sr. Ruby Sue and Rocky are screaming at the top of their voices. The women are screaming. Art decks Francis on his way out. The squirrel goes up the drapes and leaps onto the couch. CLOSEUP - BETHANY She's oblivious to the mayhem.

CLOSEUP BETHANY'S LEGS

Befitting her age, she's sitting with her legs relatively far apart. A beat and the squirrel runs up one of her legs under her skirt. CLOSEUP - BETHANY

A puzzled look on her face. She grimaces and gives a yank on her undies.

AUNT BETHANY

Oh, my! I hope somebody got me a girdle. This one’s pinching and binding something terrible.

The family’s in horror as they watch Bethany.

THEIR POV

Bethany is still unaware of what's up her skirt. We can see the squirrel scrambling around her lap. CLOSEUP - LEWIS AND CLARK He looks up from Bethany to Clark.

UNCLE LEWIS

You can write that son of a bitch off. Nothin' goes up there and lives to tell about it.

Clark and Lewis look back at Bethany. A beat and they scream.

The squirrel flies INTO FRAME.

'''286 INT. FOYER                               286'''

Everyone’s huddled in the foyer screaming and shivering in revulsion.

CLARK Quiet! Shut-uuuuun!

The screaming dribbles out.

CLARK

We don’t want it to get out of the living room! Give me a coat! Where’s Eddie? He eats these goddamn things.

CATHERINE

Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol.

CLARK Thank you, Catherine. (continues)

I’ll try and trap the thing under a coat. Audrey, get me Grandpa Art's overcoat. Rusty, go get the hammer.

ELLEN What do you need a hammer for?

CLARK

I’ll catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer.

Ruby Sue screams. Francis faints.

'''287 INT. LIVING ROOM                         287'''

It’s silent. Nora’s out cold in the middle of the room.

Bethany’s still sitting on the couch. Clark and Clark Sr. tiptoe into the room.

CLARK SR.

Nora?

For whatever reason, Nora’s playing dead. She lays perfectly still.

NORA

(whispers) Is it gone?

CLARK SR.

Nope. Just lay still. Clark? You want to get Bethany out of here?

CLARK

Dad, do you honestly think there’s anything else the squirrel could do to her?

CLARK SR.

That’s a point.

Clark steps lightly into the room. He makes a chirping sound. There’s no response.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He's on full alert. Nerves tingling.

CLARK

It probably got scared and ran back into the tree.

CLARK’S POV MOVING TOWARD the tree.

BACK TO SCENE

As Clark steps over Nora, she starts to slowly get up. She lifts her butt in the air, afraid to move too quickly. As Clark passes, CAMERA GOES WITH him, REVEAL ING the squirrel on his back. CLOSEUP - CLARK SR.

He sees the squirrel and yells.

CLARK SR.

It’s on your back!

BACK TO SCENE

Clark screams, turns and plows into Nora, spilling her ass over tea kettle again. It’s mayhem in the foyer as everyone

runs in opposite directions.

'''288   INT. KITCHEN   288'''

Ellen and Rusty burst into the kitchen.

'''289    INT. DINING ROOM    289''' Catherine crashes into the dining room table. There’s a wild scramble for the stairs. Everyone runs up. Audrey runs out of the kitchen with the squirrel clinging to her head. As she passes the stairs, the squirrel leaps onto Clark Sr. and onto the stairs. Snots charges in from the kitchen, decking Art. In a spray of foam and spit, the DOG tears up the stairs, BARKING and SNARLING. A beat and the people that ran upstairs plow back down. The squirrel, followed by Snots, clambers down the stairs and runs into the kitchen.

'''296   EXT. MARGO AND TODD’S HOUSE - PORCH 296'''

Todd and Margo stand on the porch.

MARGO

You march right over there and slug that prick in the face!

TODD I can’t just attack someone.

MARGO

If you’re not man enough to put a stop to it, I am.

She marches off the porch, heading for the Griswolds.

'''297   INT. FOYER 297'''

Clark cautiously comes back in. It’s silent. Snots and the squirrel charge in from the kitchen. Clark grabs the door handle and whips the door open. CLOSEUP - MARGO She’s standing in the door. Her eyes pop and she screams.

HER POV

The squirrel leaps for her face. Snots is right behind, heading for her midsection.

'''298   INT. FOYER - CLARK  298''' slams the door.

CLARK Gone!

'''299   INT. MARGO AND TODD’S HOUSE - FOYER 299'''

The DOORBELL RINGS. The front door opens. Margo steps in. Her face is clawed from the squirrel, the bottom half of her outfit is torn off. Her pantyhose is shredded and hanging around her ankles. Her top is clawed open. CLOSEUP - TODD He’s horrified.

TODD My God! What happened to you?

CLOSEUP - MARGO

She pushes the hair out of her face. She draws back and throws a mighty punch.

Todd hits the deck. Margo steps over him and heads for the stairs.

'''300 INT. GRISWOLD HOUSE - FOYER              300'''

Clark comes down the stairs in a Santa suit. Ellen and the kids follow. Catherine is behind them. Art and Francis are at the closet getting their coats.

CLARK Where do you think you’re going?

Art and Francis look up at Clark with alarm.

CLARK

Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We have a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on and we’re gonna have the hap-haphappiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fuckin' Kaye.

And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down the chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

ART You’re goofy!

CLARK Don’t piss me off, Art.

ELLEN Clark! It’s over.

CLARK

Not according to Santa’s watch, it's not.

CLARK SR.

Son?

CLARK Dad? Stay out of this.

ELLEN

I think it’s best if everybody just goes home before things get any worse.

CLARK How the hell could it get any worse?

Take a look around, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

'''301    EXT. MANSION   301''' The RV whips out of a long driveway and hits the street on

two wheels.

'''302   INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN 302'''

Clark Sr. is talking to Clark.

CLARK SR.

Son, I love you, we all love you.

This is a terrible night, nothing's gone right, it's a disaster, but you sitting out there singing like a lunatic only makes things worse.

Clark looks at him, feeling slightly foolish.

CLARK SR.

You're too good a father to act like this. In years to come, you want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.

CLARK

I just --

CLARK SR.

You just cocked it up. It's okay. It happens. Go upstairs and put on some fresh clothes and a happy attitude.

CLARK

All of our holidays were always a mess. How did you get through it?

CLARK SR.

I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

CLARK Good talk, Dad.

CLARK SR.

Good talk, son.

CLARK

Are you gonna recite 'The Night Before Christmas’?

CLARK SR.

No. It's your house, it’s your Christmas. I'm retiring.

'''303 INT. LIVING ROOM                         303'''

The family is seated in the living room. Clark’s standing at the fireplace.

CLARK

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. The RV door flies open.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Clark steps from the fireplace as he physically interprets the poem.

CLARK

Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

With great flair, Clark throws open the curtains on a bay at the front of the room.

CLARK

The moon on the breast of the

new-fallen snow

Gave luster of midday to objects

below; When what to my wondering eyes should appear.

Clark takes a close look out the window.

CLARK

But a miniature sleigh and --

Eddie, my cousin,

A man with no brain

And my boss in his jammies All wrapped up in chain.

'''307   INT. FOYER 307'''

The front door opens and Eddie enters with FRANK SHIRLEY. His hair’s mussed, his face is red with anger, a Christmas bow is tied tightly over his mouth to silence him. He’s in his pajamas and slippers, bound wrist and ankle in dog chain. He mumbles and grumbles with rage.

'''308   INT. LIVING ROOM    308'''

The family is gathered in the doorway in stunned silence.

'''309   INT. FOYER - CLOSEUP - EDDIE  309'''

Big, proud grin.

EDDIE Merry Christmas, Clark.

'''310   INT. LIVING ROOM - CLOSEUP - CLARK 310'''

He's speechless with shock.

'''311   INT. FOYER - EDDIE AND FRANK  311'''

Eddie looks at Frank.

EDDIE You ready to do some kissing?

Frank's eyes bulge in horror.

'''312   EXT. MANSION - NIGHT 312'''

Frank Shirley's house. The lights are on.

'''313   INT. MANSION - LIBRARY   313'''

Helen Shirley is on the phone. She's frantic.

HELEN My husband’s been abducted.

'''314   INT. GRISWOLD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - LATER 314'''

The ribbon and chain has been removed from Frank Shirley He

shakes the cramps out of his wrists.

FRANK

I've never been treated like this in my life.

ELLEN

I’m sorry. This is our family’s first kidnapping.

FRANK

(to Clark)

You're fired! Where's the phone? I'm calling the police.

EDDIE

Hold your wad, there, fella. Clark didn’t have nothing to do with it. This was my idea.

FRANK

Alright. He’s still fired and you're going to jail!

CLOSEUP - BOOTS Several pair of Jack boots run across the snow.

'''315   INT. GRISWOLD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT  315'''

CLARK No. It’s my fault, Eddie. (to Frank)

I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I said some things I shouldn’t have.

Frank’s confused. He thinks for a moment.

FRANK

How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

CLOSEUP - RIFLE A fresh clip is slammed into an assault rifle.

'''316   INT. LIVING ROOM    316'''

Clark is offended by Frank's arrogance.

CLARK

And thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check and instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. Seventeen years with the company and I’ve gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. If you don’t want to give bonuses, that’s fine, but when people count on it as part of their salary, what you did just plain --

RUSTY Licks it.

CLARK Thanks, Russ. (pause)

My brother-in-law, whose heart is a lot bigger than his brain --

EDDIE

(sincere)

I appreciate that, Clark.

CLARK

-- is innocent. I’ll be more than happy to take the rap on this. On my behalf and on behalf of every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.

CLOSEUP - FRANK He feels guilty. He looks around the room.

FRANK’S POV

MOVING ACROSS the sad, confused, angry faces of the Griswold family. Clark’s weary face, Ellen’s embarrassment, the children's confusion, the cold anger of the grandparents. Small, common people who are righteous in their innocence.

CLOSEUP - FRANK

He can’t sustain his anger. His heart melts. He sees, firsthand the people his bloodless policies affect. After a considered pause he offers his apologies.

FRANK

Sometimes things look good on paper but lose their luster when you see the effects on real folks. A healthy bottom line doesn’t mean much if to get it you hurt the ones you depend on. Clark? Whatever you got last year, add twenty percent.

CLOSEUP - CLARK

He’s bursting with joy. He looks to Ellen, to the kids, the rest of the family.

The family delights in the news. Ellen runs to Clark. He lifts her off her feet.

CLARK Merry Christmas, Ellen. Rusty holds up his hand to Clark.

RUSTY

To the old-fashioned fun family Christmas.

Clark slaps his hand. Audrey kisses him.

AUDREY Thanks, Daddy.

Art walks over to Clark and offers his hand.

ART Merry Christmas, son.

Clark takes Art’s hand.

CLARK Thanks, Art. He turns to the family with a huge grin.

CLARK

Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

ANGLE

Florid, sentimental MUSIC COMES UP. CAMERA PULLS BACK from

Clark. OUT the WINDOW TO the lawn and two dozen police officers on the lawn. TO a street jammed with police vehicles and cops. Lewis saunters into the living room.

UNCLE LEWIS Griz! You got just what you need.

More friggin’ company!

CLOSEUP - CLARK He turns to Lewiss puzzled. He looks to Frank Shirley.

CLARK

Frank? Did you call and let your wife know you're alright?

CLOSEUP - FRANK

It occurs to him that he’s forgotten to call his wife.

FRANK

(pause) No.

'''325   INT. LIVING ROOM    325'''

The living room windows are bashed-out by rifle barrels.

'''326   INT. FOYER 326'''

Cops storm in the door.

'''327   INT. TODD AND MARGO'S HOUSE - BEDROOM 327'''

Margo’s in bed. Alone. There's a KNOCK on the door.

MARGO

(yells)

Go to hell, you worm!

There’s another KNOCK.

MARGO

If you want to come in here, you're gonna have to break down the goddamn door!

The door blows off the hinges. Armed officers charge into the room and clamor over the bed to the Window facing the Griswold house.

'''328   INT. CLARK’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM   328'''

POLICE charge the room.

OFFICER Freeze!

The family freezes. Clark’s on one foot, arms out, caught in mid-stride. Ellen, Clark Sr., Francis and Frank Shirley, are caught in a rising squat. Nora freezes adjusting her bra. Audrey’s adjusting her underpants, Rusty’s about to sneeze. Uncle Lewis is frozen holding a lighted match. Art is bent forward in pain. Rocky has a finger in his nose, Catherine in holding a hankie to Ruby Sue’s nose, Eddie is adjusting his balls. Bethany continues to drink her eggnog. Snots is in the corner frozen in a half-seated position.

'''329   EXT. HOUSE 329'''

A police car pulls up and stops at the curb. A middle-aged woman, HELEN SHIRLEY, gets out. A high-ranking OFFICER greets her and escorts her to the house.

'''330   INT. LIVING ROOM    330'''

The police hold the family at gun point as they search the family.

CLARK

I think you’ve made a terrible mistake.

COP I told you to freeze!

Clark holds his position and talks through his clenched teeth.

CLARK May we blink?

'''331   INT. FOYER 331'''

Mrs. Shirley and the Officer walk in and cross to the living room.

'''332   INT. LIVING ROOM - CLOSEUP - FRANK 332'''

He's frozen in semi-squat with his hand in his hair.

FRANK Helen!

Helen runs to Frank and embraces him.

HELEN Thank God, you're alright!

FRANK

I'm fine. I'm just fine. There's been a big misunderstanding tonight.

OFFICER Excuse me, would you and Mrs.

Shirley like to step outside while we take care of business here?

FRANK

There's no business. I’m not pressing any charges.

HELEN What?

FRANK It was a mistake.

HELEN Frank, you were kidnapped.

FRANK

I did something I shouldn’t have and these people called me on it. This is Clark Griswold and his family.

ELLEN

Welcome to our home. What’s left of it.

Helen is completely baffled.

HELEN What is going on here?

FRANK

Remember how I was toying with the notion of suspending Christmas bonuses?

HELEN

You didn't --

FRANK

I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.

HELEN

Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck. I’m ashamed of you, Frank.

FRANK

You're not going to fire me, are you, honey?

CLOSEUP - ROCKY He’s standing at the window looking out.

ROCKY Look!

Everyone turns to Rocky. The family, the police, Frank and Helen exit.

'''335   EXT. FRONT YARD 335'''

Rocky stands on the lawn, looking up at the sky. Every one comes outside and gathers around him.

'''336   EXT. SKY  336'''

A red dot of light, low in the sky.

'''337   EXT. FRONT YARD - CLOSEUP - CLARK  337'''

He looks up at the light with a grin.

CLARK That's the Christmas star.

A snowflake falls.

CLARK And it's all that matters tonight.

Not bonuses or gifts or turkey or trees. It means something different to everybody and now I know what it means to me.

'''338   EXT. HOUSE - DOORWAY 338'''

Aunt Bethany’s standing in the doorway. She begins to recite softly.

AUNT BETHANY

’Yea, Lord, we greet thee Born this happy morning Jesus, to Thee all glory Giv'n Word of the Father.’

'''339   EXT. HOUSE 339'''

Clark takes Ellen's hand. Ellen takes Audrey's hand. Audrey takes Rusty's hand. Rusty takes Nora's hand. Nora takes Francis’s hand. Francis takes Frank Shirley’s hand. And so on until everyone is holding hands.

'''340   EXT. CLARK’S HOUSE - FRONT YARD    340'''

Aunt Bethany begins to sing.

AUNT BETHANY

'Now in flesh appearing 0 come let us adore him 0 come let us adore him Venite adoremus Dominium Christ the

Lord.'

CLOSEUP - LEWIS

He's standing next to the Santa on the curb. He has a cigar in his mouth. He strikes the match on the Santa’s ass and lights his cigar.

UNCLE LEWIS

That ain’t the friggin* Christmas

Star, Griz. That's the light on the water treatment plant.

CLOSEUP - CLARK A terrible thought crosses his mind.

CLARK Sewer gas!

CLOSEUP - LEWIS He finishes lighting the cigar and shakes the match.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He makes a move for Lewis.

CLARK Don’t drop that--!

CLOSEUP - LEWIS He flips the match over his shoulder. EXTREME CLOSEUP - MATCH drops in the sewer. There’s a FLASH of light. An EXPLOSION.

The explosion blows the Santa and the reindeer and the Merry Christmas sign into the sky. Everybody hits the deck. Bethany remains standing.

CLOSEUP - BETHANY She looks into the sky.

looking to the sky. She puts her hand to her heart and begins to sing again.

AUNT BETHANY

’And the rocket’s red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there--’

Everyone puts their hands to their hearts and joins in.

ALL

'Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave. For the land of the free And the home of the brave.’

AUNT BETHANY Play ball!

CLOSEUP - RUBY SUE She looks up into the sky.

'''343 EXT. SKY - RUBY SUE’S POV                343'''

The Santa and the reindeer and the sign arc across the full

moon.

'''344 EXT. HOUSE - CLOSEUP - RUBY SUE          344'''

A huge smile.

RUBY SUE Uncle Clark?

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks at Ruby Sue.

CLOSEUP - RUBY SUE

She points to the sky.

RUBY SUE

Santy Claus ain’t bullshit! He’s real.

CLOSEUP - CLARK He looks at Ruby Sue and gives her a wink.

'''345   INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM 345'''

Frank and Helen, the police, the grandparents, Eddie and his family, Rusty and Audrey are crowded into the living room. The grandmothers are serving coffee. The police commander’s playing the piano and the officers are sing ing, in less than wonderful voices, ”I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS."

'''346   EXT. HOUSE - YARD   346'''

Clark’s still in the yard looking up at the Christmas star. Ellen puts her arm around his waist.

ELLEN Merry Christmas, Clark.

She kisses his cheek and heads back to the house. Clark continues to look at the star. CLOSEUP - CLARK He grins triumphantly.

CLARK I did it!

He laughs to himself.

Snots returns from the squirrel chase and saunters over to Clark. Clark looks down at him.

HIS POV - CLOSEUP - SNOTS Snots looks up at him, sucks, COUGHS, and --

CLOSEUP - CLARK -- Spits. A troubled thought crosses Clark’s mind.

CLOSEUP - CLARK'S LEG Snots puts his paw between Clark’s feet. She goes inside and closes the door. The lights on the house go off.

'''350   EXT. YARD - CLOSEUP - CLARK   350'''

He looks down at Snots.

CLARK Merry Christmas, Snots.

FADE ON Clark's smiling face. THE SINGING DOGS' rendition of

"JINGLE BELLS" COMES UP and -FADE OUT.

THE END

POST-CREDITS FADE IN:

'''351   INT. TODD AND MARGO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 351'''

They're in bed.

TODD

It's over, honey. Griswold had his Christmas. Nothing else can happen.

It's quiet, it's peaceful, all is calm.

MARGO Will you just hold me?

TODD Of course.

He folds her into his arms.

TODD

Let’s go to sleep and let visions of sugarplums dance in our heads.

MARGO I’m so tense.

TODD

Sweetheart, if we don't go to sleep, Santa Claus won't come.

MARGO You're so cute.

A long beat and the SANTA, the REINDEER and the LIGHTS CRASH through the ceiling into the bedroom.

FADE OUT.