Ted: CENSORED (2012)


 * Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a crap.
 * Lori Collins: I don't understand. Thirty-five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder.
 * John Bennett: I am not!
 * Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
 * John Bennett: F****** right.
 * Ted: Come on. Let's sing the thunder song.
 * John Bennett: Alight.
 * Ted and John Bennet: (Singing) When you hear the sound of thunder Don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy And say these magic words. F*** you, thunder You can suck my d***. You can't get me, thunder 'Cause you're just God's farts.
 * Lori Collins: (Groans)
 * Ted: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11:00 A.M.? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
 * Ted: God, there are some messed-up fish out there. Oh, look at that one. WASP-y, white-guy fish. "I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret." Oh, look at this guy. "I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe."
 * Frank Stevens: You think you got what it takes?
 * Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's panties on my floor.
 * Frank Stevens: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
 * Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's boobs.
 * Frank Stevens: You're hired.
 * Ted: Crap.
 * Frank Stevens: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public
 * Ted: I banged her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
 * Frank Stevens: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
 * Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
 * Ted: Hey, Johnny, there you are. I gotta get some air, that guy from your office is in there on the couch makin' out with that Van Wilder lookin' guy.
 * John Bennett: You know what? Screw you. I don't even wanna talk to you.
 * Ted: What?
 * John Bennett: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My frickin' life just ended!
 * Ted: Oh, come on. She'll go home, she'll watch Bridget Jones' Diarrhea. She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine, you'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
 * John Bennett: Are you even listening to me? Do you even care a little bit?
 * Ted: Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life, remember?
 * John Bennett: Jesus! You know, Lori was right. I should have stopped hanging' out with you a long time ago. I'm never gonna have a life with you around. I'm thirty five years old and I'm goin' nowhere! All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy frickin' bear! Because of that I just lost the love of my life.
 * Ted: Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry. I...
 * John Bennett: I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can’t see you anymore.
 * Ted: John, wait. Listen.
 * Ted's voice: I love you!
 * Ted: Sorry. Look, John. I know you're pissed, alright? But just listen to me for 5 seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
 * John Bennett: What?
 * Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
 * John Bennett: You're un-f******-believable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making stuff like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your mind!
 * Ted: Johnny, it's the truth! I'm telling you.
 * John Bennett: You know what? Get outta here.
 * Ted: You know what? You're acting like a jerk. You know that?
 * John Bennett: What? I'm acting like a jerk?
 * Ted: Yes, you are! So shut your meathole for a second and listen to me.
 * John Bennett: Huh?
 * Ted: Meathole? No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either, right? 'Cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? Right. Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
 * John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
 * Ted: I don't have to. I'm a frickin' teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.
 * John Bennett: You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting messed up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?
 * Ted: Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like an idiot.
 * John Bennett: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.
 * Ted: Say that one more time.
 * John Bennett: I wish I got a Teddy Ruxpin!
 * Donny: You're not a very polite guest, are you?
 * Ted: Crap.
 * Lori Collins: Yes!
 * Ted: Hey, Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?
 * John Bennett: Yes! Frickin'-A right!