Ted: UNRATED (2012)

EXT. SPACE - X As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States. The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It’s winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart. NARRATOR (V.O.) It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago. And that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever. EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING NARRATOR (V.O.) It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston. We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at each other in the street. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids. Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled, and starts walking up the street. One of the snowballthrowing kids points at the sled kid. KID #1 Hey, Greenbaum! GREENBAUM Uh-oh. KID #1 It’s Jesus’ birthday tomorrow! You know what I’m gonna get him? GREENBAUM W... What? (CONTINUED) KID #1 My fist in your fuckin’ face! GREENBAUM Why would Jesus want that? KID #2 Get him! The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy and innocent-looking) approaches the melee. NARRATOR (V.O.) But there was one child who wasn’t in such good spirits. Little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends. JOHN Hey guys, can I play? The kids all look at him. KID #1/#2/#3 Get outta here! / Get outta here, Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett! The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John. GREENBAUM Yeah, Bennett, get outta here! The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly walks back toward his house. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER NARRATOR (V.O.) John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own. And he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go. John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands, looking outside. John’S POV - We see the other kids all playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun. NARRATOR (V.O.) Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. 2 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on, smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with delight. INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on, smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is overjoyed. INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on, smiling. Inside is a “Darth Vader head” action figure case. The boy opens it up, revealing that it’s full of “Star Wars” action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically. EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME NARRATOR (V.O.) And for little John Bennett, Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival. John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear. The boy holds it with delight. JOHN Wow! HIS MOM AND DAD hug him. JOHN’S DAD I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh? JOHN’S MOM (kissing him) Merry Christmas, John. John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, highpitched “I wuv you” sound. John gasps with delight. 3 CONTINUED: NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) (CONTINUED) JOHN He talks! John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk, as his mom and dad exchange a smile. JOHN (CONT’D) I’m gonna name you Teddy. INT. JOHN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film “Flash Gordon” on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a “bite.” NARRATOR (V.O.) John became instantly attached to Teddy. There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets. INT. JOHN’S ROOM - NIGHT JOHN Hey Teddy... can I tell you something nobody knows? Teddy looks back at him, expressionless. JOHN (CONT’D) Last week, my mom and dad took me to the park for a picnic. And they have this duck pond there, and... when nobody was looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it at a duck. Was that mean? He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the “I wuv you” sound. JOHN (CONT’D) (hugging him) I love you too, Teddy! John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with it. JOHN (CONT’D) You know... I wish you could really talk to me. Because then we could be best friends forever and ever. 4 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house slowly. NARRATOR (V.O.) Now, if there’s one thing you can be sure of... it’s that nothing is more powerful than a young boy’s wish. (beat) Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry. An absolute death machine. Well, as it turned out, John picked the perfect night to make a wish. EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by through the opening. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear’s face as John lies sleeping next to it. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING The house and yard are covered with snow. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - SAME John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy, but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John bolts upright and looks around, frantically. JOHN Teddy? (beat, a bit more concerned) Teddy?! 5 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there. He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed’s perimeter, assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around. JOHN (CONT’D) Teddy? John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN’S P.O.V.: We see the face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once. TEDDY Hug me. John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at Teddy, breathing heavily. JOHN Did you... did you just talk? TEDDY You’re my best friend, John. JOHN (beat) You’re alive?! TEDDY Uh-huh. JOHN Whoa... TEDDY Don’t look so surprised. You’re the one who wished for it, aren’t you? JOHN Yeah, I... I did wish for it. TEDDY Well, here I am. JOHN You mean... we get to be best friends... for real? TEDDY For real. JOHN Forever and ever? 6 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TEDDY Sounds good to me. A huge grin spreads across John’s face. He gets up, runs to Teddy and hugs him. NARRATOR (V.O.) John was just about the happiest boy in the world. And he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news. INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER John’s Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper as John’s Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on their plates. JOHN’S MOM Well, I think we had a wonderful Christmas this year. JOHN’S DAD One of the best. (slyly) And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night. John runs into the kitchen. JOHN Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear’s alive! John’s Mom and Dad look at each other and smile. JOHN’S MOM (playing along) Really, sweetie? Well, that’s exciting. JOHN No mom, he’s alive! For real! Look! Teddy walks in and stands next to John. TEDDY Merry Christmas, everybody! John’s Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the table. John’s mom screams. JOHN’S DAD Jesus H. Fuck! 7 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TEDDY Let’s all be best friends! JOHN’S MOM Oh my god... JOHN’S DAD John, get away from that thing! Come over here, right now! JOHN But Dad-- JOHN’S DAD GET OVER HERE! John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and protectively pulls him aside. JOHN’S DAD (CONT’D) Helen, get my gun. JOHN Dad, no! TEDDY Is it a hugging gun? JOHN’S DAD Helen, get my gun, and call the police! TEDDY I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn’t mean to scare anybody. I just wanted John and I to be friends. JOHN Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive, and my wish came true! JOHN’S MOM (astonished whisper) My god, Steve... it’s a miracle. A Christmas miracle. They stare at Teddy for a beat. NARRATOR (V.O.) Well, it wasn’t long before the story of John’s little miracle was sweeping the nation. 8 CONTINUED: INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) We see an 80’s NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder. NEWSCASTER Out of a Boston suburb comes what is, without a doubt, the most incredible story in the history of broadcast news... DISSOLVE TO: INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) We see an 80’s FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear is over her left shoulder. FEMALE NEWSCASTER ...young boy’s stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons. Scientists are stumped as to how... AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18 We see a ‘70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says “ACTION NEWS GEORGIA”. He points manically at the graphic of the bear above his left shoulder. SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the screen, is a picture of the bear. FEMALE NEWSCASTER (SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS) The male newscaster turns sharply to her. MALE NEWSCASTER (ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE) He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her head in her hands, in shame. 9 INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV) NARRATOR (V.O.) Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right. We see REAL FOOTAGE of “The Tonight Show” from the ‘80’s, with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible, will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands with Johnny and sitting down.) REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a flashlight. NARRATOR (V.O.) But through all the fame, Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John. JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS) The thunder can’t get us, right? TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS) Nope. We’re thunder buddies. And the thunder knows it. We’re totally safe. ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them. JOHN Teddy? TEDDY Yeah, John? JOHN Do you promise we’ll always be together? TEDDY I promise. Another thunder clap. TEDDY (CONT’D) Thunder buddies for life. JOHN Thunder buddies for life. 10 (CONTINUED) They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the covers. NARRATOR (V.O.) And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot. Over the following, we continue to pull back from the room to the outside of the moonlit house... NARRATOR (V.O.) So where are John and Teddy today? Well, let me put it this way: no matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear, eventually nobody gives a shit. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout. PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO: INT. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO) Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at the camera, chins resting on their hands. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO) Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a treehouse. A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads: “America’s Little Miracle”. Smaller headlines read, “Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!” and “The Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc.” A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in front of an American flag. The headline reads, “Ted, White, and Blue”. Smaller headlines read, “Oliver North Draws the Heat” and “Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own ‘Robocop’?” 11 CONTINUED: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing soapbox racer bit here) EXT. PARK (PHOTO) Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday cake at John’s ninth birthday party. INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO) Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as tall as Larry. A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with the headline “TV’S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!” Smaller headlines read, “Inside: The Best Show You’re Not Watching!” and “The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!” WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF “WHO’S THE BOSS?” INTO WHICH TED HAS BEEN INSERTED. INT. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing as they watch the show. EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO) Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like E.T. ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, “UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH ‘TERMINATOR 2’s ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!” Down below in smaller print it says “Plus, we talk to Ted the bear”. EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO) Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John looks indifferent and a bit jaded now. EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO) John’s high school graduation. 12 (CONTINUED) ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads “FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT”, with an unflattering photo of Ted. INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO) We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption below reads “Ted caught with mushrooms at airport security”. He’s putting up a bit of a fight, and gives the “finger” to the camera (the finger is pixilated). INT. JOHN’S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing. Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident. EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing “Phantom Menace” bit) INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit) ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to the status indicator. It reads, “In a Relationship With Lori Collins.” An arrow clicks on her name, going to her page. On her wall, it reads “Lori has added 3 new photos in the album Mobile Uploads”. EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO) Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl. EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO) In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something) covering her eyes with his paws. 13 CONTINUED: EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO) John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever. EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts, disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing the ball into the cup “accidentally”. Lori smiles. John smiles back at her. Ted winks. EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert “Jeter sucks” bit) EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO) EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera, each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of ice cream on their upper lips. EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering a “Home Sweet Home” picture into the wall. He steps back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall. He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there like an idiot. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO) John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine bottle on the table in front of them. 14 INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO) We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up his letters. He has spelled out the word “DOUCHE”, with an extra B and G to spare. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch. EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.) EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - MORNING INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales, his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there’s evidence of some half-assed sewing. It’s obvious he’s been around for three decades. He and John, who sits next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them. John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the tooworn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful, he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity Pebbles all over his face. It doesn’t faze him much, though, as he brushes them off. It’s quite obvious that this is a guy who has never really given up his childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted passes the bong to John. TED All I’m sayin’ is Boston women are are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life. JOHN That’s bullshit, what about Lori? She’s hot. TED Lori’s from Pennsylvania, not a Boston girl. 15 (CONTINUED) JOHN They’re not that bad. John takes a hit from the bong over Ted’s next line. TED The fact that you have to say they’re not that bad means that they are that bad. They turn into drunk, half-white, halfpink monsters after 2 hours at any beach. Ted takes a hit from the bong. TED (CONT’D) (coughs) Jesus, this is weak. It’s not even gettin’ me high. I gotta have a talk with my weed guy. JOHN I-- It’s workin’ for me. TED I think it sucks, I’m gonna have a talk with him. JOHN Yeah, I don’t know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints. TED No, I know this guy a long time. I’ve known him since 9/11. Remember, I was like, “Aw, shit. 9/11. I gotta get high.” JOHN (looks at his watch) Oh fuck, is it nine-thirty? Shit, I gotta get to work. John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get dressed. TED Hey, you mind pickin’ up a bird feeder on the way home? I wanna start enjoying the beauty of birds. JOHN (O.S.) Jesus, I don’t know if I can drive. TED I’ll drive you, I feel fine. 16 CONTINUED: EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS We see two shots of John’s car driving through the city: We see John in the passenger’s seat putting Visine into his eyes, with only Ted’s ears and eyes showing as he drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to reveal it crossing Boston’s huge suspension bridge. EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING John’s car pulls up the street and into the parking lot, scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of the rental cars. JOHN/TED Aw, Jesus. / Fuck. ANGLE ON Ted’s feet. There are wooden blocks attached to the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and looks at the damage. JOHN Aw, man. TED Is it bad? JOHN It’s not good. ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the doorway. THOMAS John! May I speak with you, please? JOHN Shit. TED It’s okay, go, go, I’ll pull outta here. (waving) Hi, Thomas! How are ya? Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking. OTHER DRIVER Asshole! 17 (CONTINUED) TED (overlapping) Easy, Jersey license! Ted drives away. INT. THOMAS’ OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER Thomas sits at his desk facing John. THOMAS John, it’s almost ten o’clock. JOHN I know, I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault. THOMAS What do you mean? JOHN (beat) I guess I... wasn’t really prepared for a follow-up question. THOMAS John, all you have to do is not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to corporate next month. You will be the new branch manager. All you have to do is not fuck up, and all you’re doing is fucking up. Not that I don’t think you’re too fucked up to handle not fucking up my job, but you happen to be the least fucked-up person in the whole office. The next least fucked-up is Alix, and you’ve been here three fucking years longer than him. But I’m telling you, I will promote the fuck out of him if you fuck up one more time. That is all. Fuck. JOHN Sir, I promise, you’re not gonna regret promoting the fuck out of me. THOMAS Good. I like hearing that. Because in a month my life now could be your life: a cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who’s personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It’s not a bad life, is it? JOHN N--no. 18 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) THOMAS Did you know I’m friends with Tom Skerritt? JOHN No. THOMAS I’ll show you something I don’t show too many people, because I don’t want anyone treating me differently. Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom Skerritt. THOMAS (CONT’D) That’s me and Tom Skerritt. JOHN (slightly overdone) Wow. THOMAS Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here. I’m gonna dock you for being late, and for the scratch on that car. Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow. JOHN I will, sir. Thank you. I won’t let you down, Goose. THOMAS What? JOHN "Top Gun". THOMAS So? JOHN Tom Skerritt. THOMAS Oh. John exits. INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER John emerges from Thomas’ office, and walks out into the front desk area. 19 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and a little bruised. GUY There you go, here’s your key and rental agreement, and a complimentary map of Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty, drive safely. HUSBAND/WIFE Thank you./Thanks so much. The couple exits. Guy turns to face John. GUY Hey, heard you got busted. JOHN Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what happened? GUY I don’t know, man. I got fuckin’ wasted last night, and my phone says I texted somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same person saying thanks. JOHN And you don’t remember it? GUY No. Same as last time. JOHN It... it just seems gay, doesn’t it? GUY I don’t know. Maybe, yeah. JOHN Do you think you’re part of some, like, gay beat-up underworld? Like one of those gay beat-up clubs? GUY I don’t know. I dig chicks. I don’t remember any of it, I was so fucked up. I might be gay, I don’t know. You mind covering for me for a bit? I’m gonna go lay down in the john. 20 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan walks up. ALIX Hey you buddies. Where’s it hanging? GUY/JOHN Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last night? ALIX Ah, I didn’t get in because the bouncer was doucheface, but I made friends in the line. GUY Oh, well, that’s good I guess. We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter from the back with a set of keys. TANYA Hi you guys. Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over to her station and sits. ALIX You look so pretty today. TANYA Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this morning. ALIX I can tell, you are less fat than you have been. JOHN Hey guys, does anybody know a nice restaurant? Like something where the napkins are cloth? GUY For what? JOHN Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow, and I wanted to take her someplace nice. TANYA Oh wow, congratulations, John. 21 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) GUY You guys‘ve been goin’ out for four years? JOHN Yeah. GUY That’s in-- (high-pitched) --saaaane, my longest relationship was like six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I’m like, I am outta here, man. Was gone before she woke up. JOHN Wow, you’re... not very tolerant, huh. GUY Lori ever fart in front of you? JOHN Yes. GUY Really. JOHN Yes. Many times. GUY You Italian? JOHN No. GUY Oh. JOHN Why? GUY I dunno, just seems like-- never mind, take her to Benihana. TANYA Don’t you think after four years, maybe she’s probably hoping for something more than dinner? JOHN Like what? 22 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TANYA Well, if I were her, I’d be expecting a proposal. JOHN Oh come on, nobody’s expecting anybody to propose. Marriage isn’t... I mean, isn’t love enough? I submit that love is enough. GUY You could put the ring in her ass and let her fart it out. EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film “Flash Gordon.” As “Flash’s Theme” plays: JOHN So bad, but so good. TED Yes, a study in contrasts. JOHN Oh, I love this part. (singing along) HE’S FOR EVERY ONE OF US! TED (singing along) STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US! JOHN (singing along) HE’LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY FLASH! TED Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I forget, let’s nail down a plan for the Bruins game tomorrow night. JOHN I can’t, I’m taking Lori to dinner. 23 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED For what? JOHN Well, we’ve been dating four years tomorrow. TED Oh, fuck me. Nice. JOHN Lemme ask you something... you don’t think she’s gonna be expecting something... big, do you? TED (beat) What, like anal? JOHN No, like... a circular gold thing on the finger. TED Oh, fuck that! It’s four years! You and I have been together 27 years! Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in the face. TED (CONT’D) Where’s my ring, Johnny? Where’s my ring, asshole? JOHN Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off! He throws Ted off of him. JOHN (CONT’D) I mean, do you think she might be expecting me to make that kinda move? TED No, John. It’s a bad idea. And it’s the wrong time. What with the economy and... the credit bubble... the Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti. JOHN I guess I didn’t think about that. ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the Merciless. 24 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) KLYTUS (ON TV) Who are you? FLASH (ON TV) Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets. JOHN This is the American fantasy, right here. A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world. TED Tom Brady could do that. JOHN Tom Brady could do that. The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her mid to late 20’s, enters holding several grocery bags. LORI Hi guys. JOHN Hey, sweetie. TED Hey, Lori. John gets up and gives Lori a kiss. LORI Ooh. I think you just got me stoned. JOHN (re: groceries) What do we got there? LORI Turkey burgers. TED Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for dinner or something? LORI (wiseass) No, just you homos. TED/JOHN Whoa!!! 25 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED She’s funny, John. You got yourself a regular Toni Collette. LORI Wait, who’s that? Is that good? JOHN She’s a comedienne. LORI Oh nice. Is she pretty? JOHN She’s as pretty as she is funny. How was work? LORI Good. JOHN How’s your dickhead boss? LORI Rex is fine. He only hit on me once today, so that’s good. JOHN I’m not saying this to be mean, but I really hope that fucker gets leukemia. LORI He’s harmless, I can handle it. TED Hey Johnny, while you’re up, grab me a beer, huh? JOHN (crossing to fridge) Oh yeah, a coupla’ Charles Brew-Kowskis? TED Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice right about now. We see Lori roll her eyes. She’s heard this before. LORI Jesus. JOHN Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski? 26 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski? LORI Y’know, I think I might also have a Martina Navra-ti-brewski. JOHN/TED Ohhhh, that doesn’t work!/Come on, don’t ruin it, yeah, that doesn’t work. LORI Bullshit, what do you mean? JOHN It doesn’t work, the name has to have a “ski” at the end of it. You just put “brewski” on the end of Martina Navratolova. LORI I thought we were just doing funny names. TED No, it’s gotta have a “ski” at the end. Otherwise where’s the challenge? If there’s no “ski” at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense. EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT It’s raining, with an occasional roll of thunder. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom, and cozies up next to her. LORI (off iPad) Oh, look, they found those missing hikers. JOHN They did? What happened? LORI It says they got separated and one of them had his foot trapped under a rock for five days. 27 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I’d chew it off to get you free. LORI (sweetly) You would? JOHN I sure would. (beat) Is that cannibalism? LORI No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you swallow. JOHN Oh yeah, no, I don’t swallow. She laughs. LORI Really? That’s not what I heard about you. JOHN It’s not true, I’m a fuckin’ classy broad. LORI (laughs again) I can see that. (then) Y’know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella’s a really expensive restaurant. If you want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow night. I don’t care, as long as we’re together. JOHN You kiddin’ me? Four years we been going out, I’m takin’ you to the best place in town. I been crappin’ out room for it for two days, I know exactly what I’m gonna order. LORI (leaning in to kiss him) You’re disgusting. JOHN And you get to pick any bottle of wine. 28 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI Ooh. JOHN Any bottle of 2012 wine. LORI Oh, are the new wines in? JOHN They are in and they. Are. Fresh. She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back. JOHN (CONT’D) I love you. LORI I love you, too. They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate. She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a thunder clap from outside. JOHN Ah, come on! LORI (shaking her head) I don’t understand it, 35 years old, and you’re still scared of a little thunder. JOHN I am not. We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and John. TED Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny? C’mon, let’s sing the thunder song! JOHN/TED (singing) WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON’T YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS: FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS / YOU CAN’T GET ME THUNDER, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE JUST GOD’S FARTS. TED Boomp. 29 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan. EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY Lori enters the building. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs that read “PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS.” Lori goes to her desk, looking exhausted. Lori’s office friends, GINA, MICHELLE, and TRACY approach. GINA Wow...Baby, I’m not saying this to be nasty, but you look really tired. LORI Oh, I’m okay... except I didn’t have time for breakfast, the garage was full, I spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a boyfriend who can’t sleep through a storm without his teddy bear. GINA I don’t understand why you keep putting up with him. TRACY Yeah, I mean, the guy’s thirty-five years old and he’s working for a rental car service. LORI No, it’s not that, I don’t care about that. I’d love him even if he was a janitor. I mean, he’s got a huge heart, we laugh together all the time, and it’s just a bonus that he’s like the hottest guy in Boston. GINA Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is like being the classiest Kardashian. LORI I just wish he could get his life together, you know? Our life. And he can’t, and I swear to god, it’s all because of that bear. 30 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) MICHELLE You should give him an ultimatum: it’s you or the bear. LORI I can’t do that, he’d be devastated. And I mean... what if he chose Ted? MICHELLE Oh come on, you don’t really think that. LORI Not really, but what if? MICHELLE Well then... things happen for a reason. TRACY No they don’t. That’s just something girls say when something bad happens to them that they don’t understand. GINA Fuck off, Tracy. INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS Lori’s boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30’s, expensive suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering of female employees. REX Well hello there. Sorry if I’m interrupting any private girl talk about Channing Tatum’s index finger but Lori I need to see you in my office. LORI Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to-- REX Oh, this is work, I swear. LORI (sigh) Okay, fine. Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a “help!” look. MICHELLE He’s such an asshole. 31 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) GINA Out of control. Such a sleaze. TRACY You guys are so pathetic. You’re shitting on Rex, and you both had sex with him. Short beat. GINA/MICHELLE Like once./I was drunk. GINA And so did you. TRACY Well, I didn’t want one of you whores getting promoted before me. INT. REX’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk. LORI So... what do you need to talk to me about, Rex? Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it to her. REX See that? That’s me on the diving team in high school. We dove the shit outta that pool that year. If you look close, you can see the outline of my root. LORI (annoyed) You promised this was about work. REX Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don’t you like me? I’m rich, I’m good-looking, my dad owns the company-- LORI I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you know this. REX Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that’s a cute relationship, but I’m talking about being with a real man, Lori. 32 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) Someone who wears a blazer on an airplane. LORI (standing up) I’m very busy. REX Well then, how do you have all that time to be in my head? LORI Goodbye, Rex. Lori exits Rex’s office. Rex casually gets up, strolls over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells his hand. INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET - NIGHT INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS John and Lori sit across from each other at a romantically set table. They’ve just finished their meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his plate. LORI (satisfied sigh) That was perfect. A WAITRESS approaches. WAITRESS Would you like me to wrap up your leftovers? LORI Oh no, I’m fine, thanks. John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell, which has the face and eyes on it. JOHN Actually, could you wrap just this up for me? I wanna scare the shit outta somebody. WAITRESS (beat) Sure. 33 CONTINUED: REX (CONT'D) (CONTINUED) The waitress walks away. LORI (mildly amused) What are you, five years old? JOHN Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level. Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries. WAITER Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and champagne. LORI Ooh, Cristal. JOHN It’s a special night. We’ve been dating for four years. (taking bottle) And hey, all those rich black people can’t be wrong, right? LORI It doesn’t seem like four years, does it? JOHN (affectionately taking her hand) No, it doesn’t. LORI You had no business being out on that dance floor, but I’m glad you were. INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a girl, and doing it very badly. He’s putting too much into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move, accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up, when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet. JOHN Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I’m so sorry! 34 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI (a little stunned) Yeah, I’m... I’m fine. JOHN Oh Jesus, I’m so so sorry! I didn’t see you! It was an accident! LORI Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an accident. JOHN Did you hurt your head? LORI Um, yes. My head hurts a lot. JOHN Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice. She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment. JOHN (CONT’D) Sorry. Does it hurt? LORI (beat, noticing him for the first time) N... No. No it’s okay. JOHN (beat, noticing too) I’m... I’m John. LORI I’m Lori. They smile at each other... INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE) LORI Okay, here’s a question that’ll show how much you actually care about me. You remember we stayed and talked until the place closed, and then we went for late night eggs and waffles, and we stayed there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the little TV in the diner. Name the movie. 35 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Octopussy. LORI Gold star. JOHN But does that show that I care about you, or I care about Roger Moore? LORI I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. JOHN Thank you. And by the way, my dancing was not that bad. LORI (laughing) Your dancing was bad. JOHN I had some cool moves. LORI So do people with Parkinson’s. JOHN That’s not how I remember it. LORI Yeah, how do you remember it? INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy officer’s uniform, a la Ted Stryker in “Airplane!” as “Stayin’ Alive” blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI, who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty. John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses it O.S. He then strikes a “finger up” disco pose, with a bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to: INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE) LORI Whatever you say, baby. 36 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Hey, here’s to four more years, huh? They clink glasses, and take a sip. JOHN (CONT’D) Now I know we said no gifts, but-- LORI No, we didn’t. JOHN --But, I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the “no gift” rule. LORI There was no such rule. John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small box. Lori looks excited. JOHN Lori, I’ve wanted to give this to you for a long time. John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up. LORI Oh, John. Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings. JOHN Those are the ones you liked, right? From that kiosk at the mall? LORI Oh. Yeah. JOHN Check out the card. She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it. It says, “Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you.” JOHN (CONT’D) See, I even wrote the words with different colored markers so you wouldn’t get bored while you were reading it. LORI (unenthused) Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is for you. 37 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a very nice watch. JOHN (opens box) Oh wow, a Hamilton! He puts it on his wrist. LORI I remember you liked it when you saw Tom Brady wearing one in GQ. JOHN Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is so awesome, I love it! She reacts a bit to this. JOHN (CONT’D) Y’know, Lori... (indicating box) Someday, there’s gonna be a ring in there. But I wanna wait ‘til I can get you something really special, y’know? I just don’t have the money right now. LORI John, I don’t need the Hope diamond, all I want is-- JOHN I know, but it’s important to me that you have the engagement ring you deserve. And what with the credit bubble... the Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti. LORI Look, I’m only saying this because I love you, but that’s not realistic. You’re never gonna have any kind of a career if you’re always partying and wasting time with Ted. JOHN Oh, Jesus, here we go-- LORI John, please get him to find his own place, so we can get on with our lives. JOHN Look, can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner? 38 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI Yeah. Fine. Let’s talk about it ten years from now. JOHN (rolling his eyes with a sigh) Lori, we can’t talk about this every time we go out. Look, he’s been my best friend since I was eight. And I was not a popular child. You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He’s the only reason I ever gained any fuckin' confidence. I coulda wound up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn’t. ‘Cause of him. So, y’know, I’m not that psyched to just, like, kick him out. LORI Well, it’s good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that kept you from gunning down your classmates, but John, you’re not eight. You’re thirty-five. And unless you’re too blind to notice, he’s not your only friend anymore. You have me. And I love you. JOHN I love you, too. You know that. LORI Look, I’ve put the best physical years of my life into this. I mean, I’m cute now, but in a few years my body’s gonna fall off a fuckin' cliff. Things’ll be hanging and stretching in ways that might scare a man. I need to feel secure in the fact that you won’t leave me when that happens. JOHN Not only will I not leave you, it’s gonna be even better. ‘Cause I can have sex with you, and press your arm fat against a comic book so I can see it backwards. She laughs. So does he. LORI And, my boobs and vagina will all be in the same place, so that’s a lot less movin’ around for you. 39 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN I can do it all with one hand. LORI Exactly, and you can do whatever you want with the other hand. JOHN I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller. LORI We can achieve critical acclaim and become rich just by screwing each other. They both laugh hard. JOHN Well, I hope these jokes have distracted you from the actual problems in our relationship. LORI (sigh) We can’t put the real conversation off forever, John. JOHN I dunno, I got a lotta fuckin’ jokes. EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Their car pulls up. They start to get out. JOHN (noticing) Ah shit, hang on, my phone fell under the seat somewhere. Can you call it? Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat, we hear The Imperial March from “The Empire Strikes Back.” LORI That’s my ringtone? JOHN (laughs, embarrassed) Oh, yeah... LORI What is it? It sounds negative. 40 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN No, it’s from The Notebook. He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she goes inside. JOHN (CONT’D) (straining) This is gonna take some doin’. LORI All right, well I’ll see you upstairs. He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door cautiously and opens it, revealing... INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women. They’re watching “Romancing the Stone,” which plays very loudly on the TV. LORI What the hell is all this?! TED Lori! Hey, you’re home early! The ladies and I were just watching “Romancing the Stone.” Got it on BluRay. Came in a two-pack with “Jewel of the Nile,” but I don’t know that we’ll end up watchin’ that one. LORI This place is a wreck! Who are these girls? TED Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y’know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. The girls ad-lib “Hello,” “Nice to meet you,” etc. 41 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees something in the corner. LORI What is that?!!! TED What’s what? LORI There is... a shit in the corner! On the floor! There’s a shit! TED (looking over) Oh man, that’s what Dierdre was doin’ over there in the corner for so long. Remember, she was crouched over there and I thought she was just makin’ a call or somethin’-- LORI There is a shit!! On my floor!! TED Yeah, she’s passed out in the bathroom now, she seemed like she was hopped up on somethin’. I mean, mystery solved, I guess-- LORI What the fuck!!!! TED Lori, if I can-- now this is just speculation, but... is it possible that this is not so much about the stool in the corner, and more about maybe tonight’s dinner not measuring up to your expectations? LORI What!!! The fuck!!! Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door. JOHN (V.O.) RAAARRRR!! TED (pointing) Ahaaaaa! 42 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER) Who lives here? I’m comin’ to get whoever lives here! You owe me lobster money! TED (to girl) Hahaaa! That’s my friend John. Not the lobster, the guy runnin’ it. At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone. JOHN Found my phone. He stops, seeing everyone there. JOHN (CONT’D) What’s goin’ on? (then, noticing) Is that a shit? INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He seems much more interested in them than in the fish. This, we will find out later, is DONNY... TED God, there are some fucked up fish out there. JOHN Yeah. TED Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough guy fish. (tough guy voice:) “Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion? Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!” Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish. (tight-ass white guy voice:) “I don’t care for some of Conan O’Brien’s humor. I don’t like Irish humor. And this food is too flavorful. I don’t care for flavor in my food.” 43 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) (switching to goofy voice as a bottle-nosed fish swims by) “Oh hey, sorry I’m late, guys. Hey, where’s everybody goin’? Any of you guys got a tissue? I’m allergic to water.” JOHN Ted... you gotta move out. Ted turns and stares at John for a beat. TED Wh... what? JOHN It’s... it’s gotta happen. Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed. TED What...what did I do? John looks heartbroken at this response. INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the penguin habitat. JOHN Ted, my relationship is at a very delicate stage, and, y’know, Lori and I may just need a little space right now. Plus a hooker took a shit in our apartment. TED Hey, look, that was a tough night for all of us. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background, we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering out from behind the bathroom door. LORI (beyond disgusted) Oh, god!! 44 CONTINUED: TED (CONT'D) (CONTINUED) JOHN Aaaa, what?! LORI It’s so gross!! JOHN Don’t tell me, I don’t wanna hear about it! Did you get it? LORI No! Oh my god! JOHN Tell me when you get it! LORI AAAA, I got some on my thumb! JOHN AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand again! I’m serious, learn to cook otherhanded! LORI Shit! JOHN I’ll get the next one, okay? INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY TED She’s makin’ you do it, isn’t she? JOHN (giving up the bullshit) Yes. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out. We’ll hang out all the time! TED What about... thunder buddies for life, Johnny? JOHN I know. Fuck. I just don’t know what to do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise I’m gonna lose her. And I do love her, Ted. TED (sigh) I know you do, Johnny. 45 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN I’ll help you get on your feet out there, I promise. TED And we’ll hang out a lot, right? JOHN Fuck, all the time. TED (arms wide for a hug) Bring it over here. John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and a high-pitched recorded voice saying “I wuv you.” John and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably. TED (CONT’D) That was the-- the thing-- that doesn’t mean-- I’m not gay. JOHN The old-- Yeah-- no, I know- - JOHN We’ve got to get you a job. EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable. TED I look stupid. JOHN No, you don’t. You look dapper. TED I look like Snuggles’ accountant. * They pause as John straightens Ted’s tie. JOHN Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment. TED I don’t wanna work at a grocery store. 46 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Well, you have no skills. TED I told you, I can totally be a lawyer. JOHN As I said, you would need a law degree from a law school. TED I’m a special case. I’m a fuckin' talking bear. They might make an exception ‘cause they’re all like, “Aaa! This bear can talk and do stuff! Let’s give him a job and maybe he’ll give us a few laughs,” but then they’re surprised at what a stellar performance I’m turnin’ in. And then they practically have to give me the Anderson case. JOHN Look, you get the job, and we’ll celebrate after. John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed. TED And if I don’t get the job will we still smoke that pot? JOHN Probably, yes. TED (patting John on the leg) Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach. INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER’S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at the desk, staring at Ted. FRANK So. You think you got what it takes? TED Nope. FRANK (a beat, then) No one’s ever talked to me like that before. You’re hired. 47 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Shit. EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON (Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common, passing various park-goers. The occasional person notices and points with a “Hey, isn’t that...” sort of look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down. Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on the girl’s breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye, and he and John make their way over to a park bench. They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint. TED Well, I’m a former celebrity with a minimum wage job. This must be what the cast of Different Strokes feels like. O.S. VOICE Excuse me. John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling papers on the ground. ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less creepy man. DONNY I’m sorry to bother you, but my son and I couldn’t help but admire your teddy bear. ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat young Donny from earlier. JOHN (a little uncomfortable) Oh. Um, thank you. DONNY I’m Donny. And this is my boy, Robert. I have to tell you, I’ve been fascinated by your story ever since I was a boy. I remember seeing you on the Carson show. You were just wonderful. BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at the dropped weed. 48 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Yeah, that was ah... that was a good time. DONNY (to John) I wonder, is there any chance I could purchase the bear from you? For my son? JOHN/TED Huh? / Excuse me? ROBERT (calm) I want it. TED Hey, I’m not an “it”, pal. I’m a “he.” JOHN (leaning down to his level) I’m sorry, little guy, but my bear isn’t for sale. I’ve had him since I was about your age. He’s very special to me. ROBERT Sit up straight when you talk to me. JOHN (recoiling) Ew, why the fuck did he say that? DONNY Don’t swear in front of my child. Now. We are very interested in the bear. If you’d like to work out some sort of arrangement, here’s my address and phone number. He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet. JOHN Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a glance back at Ted as they move off. TED Wow. Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me? 49 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Oh man, I can totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly de-limbing you while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme. John tugs on one of Ted’s arms trying to creep him out. He then breaks into a creepy falsetto. JOHN (CONT’D) OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN MY LIFE. TED Fuck you. Why do you have to take it so far? Now it’s real. Fuck you again for that. C’mon, let’s go find a better place to get stoned. They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame, slamming right into a tree. EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one. INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME There’s a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes. John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside the doorway. JOHN Well... I guess this is it, huh? TED Yeah, sure is. JOHN First night on your own. TED Yeah. First night in my beautiful new apartment. They say they’re ain’t hardly been no murders here. They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John must leave soon. JOHN Okay... so... if you need anything... 50 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED I know. JOHN Seriously, anything... TED I know. I’ll be fine, Johnny. JOHN (beat) I know you will, buddy. They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to smile and wave. From John’s POV, we see a diminutivelooking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as the camera recedes. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM - DAY John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him. LORI Hey there. JOHN Hey. LORI Listen... I just wanna say thank you. What you did with Ted was a big step, and I know it wasn’t easy, but I just want you to know that I love you for it. And, I think this a new beginning for our relationship. JOHN Hey, anything for you. This is all part of the new grown up, adult John Bennett. So, get used to him. She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie. LORI Y’know, I don’t have to be at work for another twenty minutes... JOHN (guiding her down onto the couch) Ooh, that’s perfect, I’m only gonna need one. 51 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) She laughs, and they kiss. LORI You know what my favorite thing about you is? After four years, you can still surprise me. To step up and change such a big part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you most guys couldn’t do it. JOHN Most guys don’t have you to motivate ‘em. LORI I’m sorry if I was pushy about it... JOHN No, you were right! Look, the reason I love you so much is the same reason I guess I take you for granted sometimes. It’s ‘cause you’re... inevitable. LORI (huh?) Inevitable. Well, that’s... romantic? I think? JOHN No, what I mean is, there’s just no version of this universe where you and I don’t end up together. You’re inevitable. LORI That sounds like something Stephen Hawking would say to his girlfriend. JOHN But do you get what I’m saying? LORI Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same way about you. They kiss. LORI (CONT’D) (smiling coyly, as she notices) Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in your pocket or are you glad to see me? John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and shows it to her. She cracks up. 52 CONTINUED: EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer. TED Thank you, please come again, we have a lot more groceries. The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next station. TED (CONT’D) Hey Ellen? ELLEN Yeah? TED Who’s that over there? ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN). ELLEN That’s the new bag girl. I don’t know her name, but she seems cute. TED Yeah. Very cute. You know what I’d like to do to her? Somethin’ I call a Dirty Fozzie. Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid sprays all over his face from one side, then from the other. WIDEN to reveal he’s squirting two bottles of pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs and shakes her head “no.” TED (CONT’D) (to himself) Okay, so that’s where we’ll draw the line. EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY 53 INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on his iPhone. Tanya approaches. TANYA Hey. How you holding up? JOHN Oh, I’m all right. Just... getting used to things, that’s all. TANYA It’s gonna be all right. Y’know, I went through something like this with my last boyfriend. JOHN Really? TANYA Yeah, we were dating for eight months, and I was really in love with him, and then he was deported back to Iran. So, I get it. JOHN Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost our furry little guy. TANYA Yeah. John’s phone rings the theme from “Knight Rider.” He sees Ted’s name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling openmouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a bra on his head. John picks up. JOHN Hey, Ted. TED (V.O.) Johnny. What are you doin’? You wanna come over and catch a buzz? JOHN I could probably swing by after work. TED (V.O.) Fuck that, I traded off yesterday, so I got the night shift. C’mon, I’m bored as crap over here, just swing by for a bit. 54 (CONTINUED) JOHN I can’t just ditch work, man. Look, I’m trying to get my shit together and be an adult here, y’know? For Lori’s sake. INT. TED’S BATHROOM - DAY Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from him and John. TED John. Five minutes. And then I’ll kick you out, I promise. C’mon, I picked up the “Cheers” DVD box set, and supposedly everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews. JOHN Really? TED Yeah, and apparently George Wendt confesses to a rape. JOHN (beat) Sometimes adults get high. TED They do, John. Sometimes they do. JOHN You’ll kick me out in five. TED (V.O.) John, I have to kick you out. I am extraordinarily busy today, I have so much teddy bear paperwork to get through, it is retarded. Five minutes and you’re outta here. John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office. JOHN What do I tell Thomas? TED Just tell him you don’t feel well. 55 CONTINUED: INT. THOMAS’ OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk. JOHN I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried to break up a dog fight, and I guess she got hurt pretty bad. THOMAS Oh my god. JOHN Yeah, she’s-- that’s the way she is, she sees trouble, she tries to help out, and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn’t let go until the fireman showed up and had to stick his finger in his ass. THOMAS Jesus, John. JOHN Yeah, she’s pretty shook up. THOMAS Oh my god. (beat) Up the dog’s ass, right? JOHN Yeah, that’s how they-- THOMAS That’s how they get ‘em to stop biting, sure. JOHN Yeah. THOMAS Go go go, take care of it, let me know how she is. JOHN Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one. THOMAS You don’t owe me anything, go. John smiles wanly, and exits. 56 (CONTINUED) THOMAS (CONT’D) (looking at his own finger) Jesus. EXT./ ESTAB. TED’S NEW APARTMENT - DAY INT. TED’S NEW APARTMENT - SAME ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being interviewed. TED DANSON Was there cocaine on the set of “Cheers”? Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to answer that. Um...are there naked dicks in gay porn? (laughs warmly) Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I mean, it was the eighties. And I was king. I was king of the eighties. I was Ted fucking Danson. And not only that, I was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. Was I popular? Gee, lemme think: are there naked dicks in gay porn? (laughs warmly) Yes, I was quite beloved. ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong. JOHN You know, he’s exactly who you want him to be. TED He is. He is. Someone the likes of which we should all aspire to become. ANGLE BACK ON TV - TED DANSON Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I’ve ever seen on a man. ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted - TED (passing him bong) Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to step it up, and he gave me this. JOHN What is it? 57 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED It’s called Kennedy’s Head. It’s actually pretty mellow. JOHN That doesn’t sound very mellow. TED No, it’s-- it makes you cerebral. Like Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That’s what it refers to. Decisions under pressure. Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it up. John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around. JOHN Y’know, this place looks great. TED Yeah, it’s all Ikea. Did the whole apartment for 47 dollars. JOHN How are the neighbors? TED There’s an Asian family next door, but they don’t have a gong or nothin’, so it’s fine. JOHN That’s lucky. TED How’s work? JOHN Sucks. TED Ah. JOHN You? TED It’s actualy not bad. Met a girl. She’s a bagger. JOHN No way, that’s awesome. We should double date, you, me Lori and, what’s her name? 58 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED White trash name. Guess. JOHN Uh, Mandy? TED Nope. JOHN Madison? TED Nope. JOHN Britney, Tiffany, Candice? TED Nope. JOHN Don’t fuck with me on this. I know this shit. TED I know you do, and I am not fuckin' with you. JOHN Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna, Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren, Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty, Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine, Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky? TED Nope. JOHN Okay, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it? TED Yep. JOHN Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn-- 59 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Tami-Lynn. JOHN Fuck! EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT INT. RESTAURANT - SAME John, Ted, Lori and Ted’s dolled-up and sort of trashy date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat dinner. TAMI-LYNN See, I was all pissed off ‘cause me and my friend Danielle were supposed to go skydiving last year, but then she got pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we couldn’t go and I was all upset, but then she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up getting to go skydiving, and it was so scary but it was so much fun. JOHN Hey, well... it sounds like everything worked out then. TAMI-LYNN I guess god wanted me to go skydiving, y’know? LORI Jesus. TAMI-LYNN Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever. TED Hey, isn’t this great? The four of us here, having dinner together? Lori, how’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in forever. LORI Um, I’ve been good. Not much going on. My company’s 20th anniversary is next week, that’s something. JOHN (proud, to Tami-Lynn) Lori’s a senior VP at a big PR firm. 60 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI It’s not that big a deal. TED Company’s turnin’ 20, eh? So you can bang it but you can’t get it drunk. Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori isn’t quite as delighted. LORI (visibly annoyed) I’m surprised John didn’t tell you already. Seems like you guys have seen each other every day since you moved out. TED Well, it’s funny, usually the first item on our agenda is “what’s goin’ on with Lori?” So I’m surprised that one slipped through the cracks. JOHN We do, we talk about you all the time. TED Right? JOHN Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we were talking about... how... neat all of Lori’s shoes are? TED That was a lengthy conversation. JOHN And we were saying like, a lot of women look like unsteady horses when they wear high heels, but Lori has a sort of... regal... trot. TED A canter. JOHN Oh my god yes. You canter. Lori stares at him for a beat, then: LORI So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us about yourself. I’m always... fascinated to meet Ted’s girlfriends. 61 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TAMI-LYNN What do you mean girlfriends? (to Ted) Is there like a lot of ‘em or somethin’? TED No, no, that’s not what she’s sayin’ at all, right Lori? LORI No, right, I was-- all I was doing was asking. Ted’s very... attractive, I’m just always interested in the... type of girl that can snatch him up. TAMI-LYNN Did you just call me a whore? LORI What? No, I-- TAMI-LYNN You just worry about your own snatch, how ‘bout that, honey? TED/JOHN Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell happened? We’re havin’ a friendly meal here! TAMI-LYNN Don’t talk shit to me! LORI I was just asking a question. TAMI-LYNN You’re a frickin’ snob! You think you’re all cool cause you work at some fancy-shit place! TED It’s okay, Tami. (to Lori) Nice, Lori. Real nice. LORI What?! It’s not my fault she can’t speak English. TAMI-LYNN Fuck you! Just ‘cause you’re all in the business world and shit, you think everyone’s supposed to like, suck your asshole! (CONTINUED) TED Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let’s get outta here. We’ll go back to my place for a couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay? See ya, John. TAMI LYNN You can stick your asshole right up your fuckin' ass! Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the table. LORI What a cunt. JOHN (covering ears in pain) Ooh! I hate that word. LORI Huh? JOHN That word is so sharp. It’s like an electric sword, slashing everything in its path. LORI Well, you didn’t exactly stick up for me. JOHN I... I’m trying to walk a line here, I want to be fair to you and to him, y’know? LORI Yeah, well, I think you’re being a little more fair to him. JOHN (scoffing) Come on. LORI Y’know, your boss called this morning and asked me how my arm was. JOHN (caught) Oh? LORI Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried to break up. JOHN Ohh... 63 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that was some bullshit lie you made up so you could take off work and go to Ted’s. Am I right? JOHN (beat) I... I made you out to be a hero. LORI John, Ted moved out so we could give ourselves a chance without him. You’re not really giving anything a chance if you’re blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear. JOHN It won’t happen again, I promise. LORI (with a bit of anger) Yes. It will. A beat. She sighs. LORI (CONT’D) I wanna break up. JOHN (thrown) W... What? LORI I’m just... I’m done. This isn’t gonna work. We’re in two different places. JOHN Lori, look, I know-- LORI You promised me you were gonna grow up and take our life together seriously. JOHN Hey, Ted moved out, didn’t he? I did that for you-- for us! And it wasn’t easy. LORI Jesus, he might as well still be living with us, John. You spend more time with him than you do with me. 64 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Okay, look. I’ve been getting stoned too much. I know that. I’ve been bumming around with Ted too much, I know that, too. Give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much, please give me one more chance. LORI (beat) I need a man, John. Not a boy with a teddy bear. JOHN I know. Done. Man, right here in front of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs. Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man hair. I just farted. Man fart. Lori can’t help but let a small laugh escape. She softens a bit... LORI John... this really is your last chance. I can’t do this anymore. JOHN You won’t have to. Trust me. I love you. He kisses her. LORI (beat) Okay. JOHN Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You won’t be sorry, I swear. She smiles at him, then: LORI Did you really just fart? JOHN Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand. LORI Oh. Wonder where it’ll hit first. WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing happens. 65 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a couple other men and women) screams into his napkin, followed by his dining companions. GUY AT TABLE (furious) Who did this to us?! GUY #2 AT TABLE (furious) Goddamn it! I’m here on business! EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Ted’s boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at Ellen’s register. FRANK What the hell? He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and notices him. GUY IN LINE Hey, dude, you think you could open more than one register? There’s like a thousand people here! FRANK There’s supposed to be three registers open, for god’s sake! He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms off toward the back. He looks around the butcher’s counter and produce area, then walk into the back storeroom. INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away, with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock and horror. 66 CONTINUED: INT. FRANK’S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted. FRANK You had sexual intercourse with a coworker in a storeroom filled with produce that we sell to the public. TED Yes. FRANK (beat) That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you. TED Oh. EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT We see the “CLOSED” sign on the door. Ted exits, finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook shot into a trash can. He takes the shot: TED Kareem! The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters. TED (CONT’D) You suck, Kareem. We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and looks around. There appears to be no one in the darkness. TED (CONT’D) Hello? No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb. DONNY Hello, Ted. TED Gah! Uh... hi there. DONNY Are you all alone out here? 67 (CONTINUED) TED Uh... no. No I’m not. I’m... you know, you’re never alone when you’re with Christ. DONNY You know, Robert and I could give you a very, very good home. TED I’m... I’m pretty happy where I am. I just got a shitty new apartment-- DONNY I can offer you six thousand dollars in railroad bonds. They were left to me by my father. TED Well, gosh, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that sounds really appealing. Oh wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and I don’t give a shit. Tami-Lynn approaches. TAMI-LYNN Teddy, come on-- we’re gonna have pop tarts and cigarettes with my mom before she goes to work. TED Yeah, I’m comin’, sweetheart. (to Donny) Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I’m gonna have to decline. DONNY I really wish you wouldn’t... TED Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I’d like to thank you for creepin’ up my night, and... Jesus be with you. In Christ. Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily determined. 68 CONTINUED: EXT./ ESTAB. REX’S HOUSE - NIGHT John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house in Cambridge. It’s a very impressive estate with no expense spared. LORI (smiling at him warmly) I’m glad you’re here. JOHN Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your boss’ ass? That won’t affect your workplace chemistry, will it? LORI Play nice. Please. Rex throws open the door. REX There she is! I was worried you weren’t coming! (to John) Hi kiddo, how ya doin’? Where’s your bunny rabbit? JOHN He’s a bear. REX (ushering them in) Got it. “Hey, this house is fucking huge!” I know guys, try not to get lost. INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors d’ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and hundreds of guests. A large banner reads “Happy 20th Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations.” REX Oh, here come the ladies. Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass. 69 (CONTINUED) REX (CONT’D) Say listen, why don’t John and I give you gals a chance to talk tampax while we go grab a drink at the bar, huh? LORI Sure. INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not like this guy, and definitely does not trust him. REX ...and that’s a Wade Boggs autographed bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. JOHN Wow, cool. REX Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. (passing an abstract painting) This is art. Do you get it? (passing wall mounted pair of glasses) ) These were John Lennon’s glasses. Worth about two million dollars. (passing photo on wall) ) That’s me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and check this out. Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand. REX (CONT’D) See that? Know what that is? JOHN (touching it) No. REX That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut. John quickly pulls his hand away. REX (CONT’D) Something, isn’t it? Had it freeze-dried and bronzed. 70 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) Every now and then, when I feel like my life’s gettin’ me down and things are tough, I just come in here and look at it, and it reminds me that things aren’t so bad. That some people have it worse than me. I mean, he’s only got one ball, and I have three. One of them, of course, being his. JOHN That’s inspiring. You’ve led a rich life. REX I’ve fucked the shit outta life. (then) So talk to me, Goose. How are things with you and Lori? JOHN Things are great, actually. REX That’s good, that’s good. JOHN You know... Lori would hate me for saying this, but... she’s told me how you are at the office, and... as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fuckin' get Lou Gehrig’s disease. REX Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta just clear the air here a little. I... just want you to know that... I mean, yeah, I’m kind of a “fun-time boss” and whatnot, but... look man, I do that with everybody at the office! I’m just a kook! I have no designs on your girlfriend. We work together, and that’s it. I think you’re a great guy and she’s very lucky. John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear this. JOHN Well... that’s good to hear. REX Well, that’s how it is, so...there we go. JOHN Okay. 71 CONTINUED: REX (CONT’D) (CONTINUED) REX Yeah. They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong’s nut. John’s phone rings the “Knight Rider” theme. John answers it. JOHN Hey, Ted. INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the background, we see a party in full swing. TED (V.O.) Johnny! You gotta get over here, man! JOHN Why? What’s going on? TED (V.O.) I’m havin’ a little impromptu thing with some people, and John... Sam Jones is here. JOHN What?! TED (V.O.) Sam Jones. Flash fuckin' Gordon is here. JOHN Holy shit! How? INT. TED’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS TED Remember I said, my buddy’s cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy’s in town with his cousin and who’s with ‘em? Sam Jones!! INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS TED (V.O.) Sam Jones is here, and John... (softly, into phone) ...his hair is parted down the middle. JOHN (equally softly) Just like in the movie. 72 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Get over here. JOHN Fuck! I can’t... I’m with Lori. I’m already on probation here. John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees Lori happily chatting with her co-workers. JOHN (CONT’D) (agonized) I just... I can’t. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS TED John. There are moments in a man’s life: Nathan Hale, “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” Alan Hale, “Yes, I accept the role of the Skipper on ‘Gilligan’s Island.’” INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS TED (V.O.) John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For god’s sake, come share this with me. JOHN (beat, then:) I’m coming. John hangs up. JOHN (CONT’D) Rex. I gotta go. I’ll be back in thirty minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me... we’re cool on all that other stuff. REX I got your back, my friend. Been there. She’ll never know. JOHN This is one man to another. I don’t really know you, but I’m trusting you. As a man. This is serious. Can I trust you? 73 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) REX Dude. One man to another. I got you on this. JOHN (relaxing somewhat) Okay. Thank you. John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his mouth. REX (smiling) I’m gonna make traditional to your girlfriend. And then fuck her in the ass. All right. We have a game plan. EXT. REX’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER The “Football Fight” music from “Flash Gordon” starts playing, as John bolts O.S. EXT. REX’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway. He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides across the hood of Lori’s car, gets in, quickly starts the car, and backs out. EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on his way to Ted’s. Finally, he pulls up to Ted’s apartment. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix and Tanya, John’s co-workers from Liberty. There are also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer. TED Johnny! Thank Christ you made it! JOHN (quickly) I got ten minutes, where’s Flash Gordon? 74 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Okay, get ready, man. (to someone O.S.) Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin’ you about! John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating. The shot slows down into slo-mo as John’s eyes widen, and he sees... OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting the same hairstyle he had in the “Flash Gordon” movie. We hear the theme from “Flash Gordon.” We INTERCUT back and forth from him to John: ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe. ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the camera, in John’s POV. ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe. ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John’s POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume. ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe. EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie. John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around Sam’s chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle. John has a huge, elated smile on his face. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE ON John - He still stares in awe. ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a handshake. BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by his side. TED John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my best friend in the whole world, John. SAM Hi there. Good to meet you. 75 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN (in absolute awe) I... thank you for saving every one of us. SAM You’re welcome. Hey, let’s do some shots, huh? JOHN With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes. Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort. SAM (raising his glass) Death to Ming! John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight. Everyone then does their shots. SAM (CONT’D) Hey, you guys seem pretty cool. (significantly) You like to party? John and Ted don’t answer for a beat. They look at each other nervously. It’s clear neither one has any experience with this sort of thing. SAM (CONT’D) Aw, come on dudes. Don’t tell me you’ve never done it before. JOHN (a little scared) Not... recently, no. SAM You fellas better come with me. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John’s eyes are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And Sam is just playing it cool. TED Wow. SAM Let’s party like the ‘80’s huh? 76 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED (reverential) Show us how, Flash. SAM It’s easy. We just gotta bang a lotta girls named Stephanie. JOHN Holy shit. (looking around intensely) All these people need to be talked to. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across the table. TED Look Johnny, if we’re ever gonna get serious about openin’ a restaurant we gotta start plannin’ it now. JOHN Italian. TED Italian, yes. JOHN What’s the special on Tuesdays? TED Eggplant parm. JOHN Chopped salad half price. TED And it’s a non-restricted place. JOHN Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean? TED Anybody can come. JOHN Of course. TED Mormons are welcome. 77 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Well yeah--why wouldn’t they be? TED Exactly, that’s what I’m saying. JOHN But why even bring that up-- TED You don’t bring it up. You just let ‘em in. JOHN Yeah, but why mention it? TED No one will. JOHN So why are we talking about it? TED You’re talkin’ about it, I’m just sayin’ let ‘em in. JOHN Yes, let ‘em in. TED Exactly. JOHN Right. TED Good. JOHN Okay. TED No Catholics, though. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - SAME Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on the couch. He holds a knife. TED No see, I can do this. GUY #1 Shut up. 78 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman reflexes. GUY #2 Let him try it, man. GUY #1 Fuck it, all right. Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted starts doing the knife trick from “Aliens”. He gets it right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through the hand. The guy screams in pain. TED Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I’m on drugs! INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head, doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers (Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically. JOHN (as Ted) Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea-- let’s go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass! TED Oh god, that was a fun day. JOHN (as Ted) Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I just tried this DMT all the kids are talkin’ about, and I’m in trouble! I think I got sucked inside my chair! TED I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle and the mouth, and above them the ears. 79 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED See? There. Proof. Garfield’s eyes look like a pair of tits. TAMI-LYNN Okay, you were right. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of “I Only Want to be with You” by Hootie and the Blowfish. TED Okay, Johnny, c’mon up here and do this with me! JOHN No no. TED Come on! JOHN No, I don’t sing in front of people! TED YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU’RE CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I’M SUCH A BABY ‘CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU’VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I’LL ONLY POUT AT YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON’T DANCE. YOU WON’T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU. INT. TED’S BEDROOM - LATER Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall. TED See there’s this one part of the wall that’s really soft, you could punch through it wicked easy. Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes right through. 80 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SAM/TED/JOHN Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc. Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then, ASIAN MAN What the hell you problem!! You break my wall! You break my wall I break you wall! The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted, and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as they frantically try to get the knife. JOHN AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut his arm off!! Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER There’s an angry pounding on the door. One of the party guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them, screaming first in Cantonese, then: ASIAN MAN You break my wall! This my home long time! You break my wall! You bastard men! JOHN/TED Dude, we’re sorry! We’re sorry! ASIAN MAN You bastard men! I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere! TED Chill out okay? We’ll pay for it! Let’s talk this out okay? What’s your name? I’m John! ASIAN MAN (cautiously) My name Wan Ming. FLASH (narrowing eyes) Ming! 81 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SAM’S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the Merciless. ASIAN MAN You pay many dollar for wall! This bullshit! This all bullshit! SAM DEATH TO MING!!! Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams. ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor. John struggles to pull him off. JOHN Sam, no! Get off him! ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward, falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other. ASIAN MAN You crazy! You crazy man! The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a few times with its wings. TED AAA! AAAA! OW!! The Asian man calls to the duck from the door. ASIAN MAN Come on, James Franco! The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms. ASIAN MAN (CONT’D) (to John and Sam) You pay for wall! He exits, slamming the door. INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with another man. 82 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Guy? GUY Hey. What’s goin’ on. This is Jared. He’s the guy who beat me up. We’re in love. JOHN What?? GUY Yeah. Turns out I’m gay or whatever. Had no idea. C’mon Jared, let’s get a drink. He and Jared walk off. ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out and drained. Sam Jones approaches. SAM How you doin’ there, ace? You comin’ down? JOHN Yeah. Yeah, I don’t feel good. SAM Give it a couple hours, you’ll be golden, Pony Boy. Want a Xanax? John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked realization. JOHN Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god! SAM What? JOHN I gotta-- I gotta go! Shit! John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door. INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt, angry, and betrayed as a woman can be. 83 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN Lori... I... He throws up all over the floor. EXT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs out after her. JOHN Lori! Lori wait! She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears. JOHN (CONT’D) I’m sorry! I messed up! I-- LORI I want you out of the apartment... tonight. Gimme my car keys. JOHN Can I please just explain-- LORI No. JOHN I was gonna-- LORI I have given up a big chunk of my life for you. JOHN I was gonna stop in for like five minutes, and then Flash Gordon-- LORI Just give me my keys, John! He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks toward her car. JOHN Lori... please. I love you. She gets in the car and drives away with a screech. Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door. 84 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn’s gonna make some RC Cola from scratch. JOHN Fuck you! I don’t want to talk to you! TED What? JOHN Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fuckin' life just ended. TED Oh come on, she’ll go home, watch Bridget Jones’ Somethin’ Asshole, cry a little bit, she’ll be fine, you’ll talk to her tomorrow. JOHN (exploding) Are you even listening to me?! Do you give any shred of a shit?! Ted pauses, realizing John is serious. TED Well... ‘course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life. JOHN Jesus, Lori was right. I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago. I’m never gonna have a life with you around. I’m 35 years old and I’m going nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fuckin' bear. And because of that, I just lost the love of my life. TED Johnny, I’m... I’m sorry. JOHN I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can’t see you anymore. John turns and walks away. TED Johnny, wait! Hey, listen! 85 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox squeak out the words “I wuv you.” John does not turn around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated. DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside. INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips through the channels, seeing various clips of shows. Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet, and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and “looks the other way” as he taps it in with his foot. She smiles warmly at him. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to the ducks. They’re both leaning over the side with their hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of hers. They look at each other, and share a slow, romantic kiss. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is looking at the screen, but is really looking inward... DISSOLVE TO: 86 CONTINUED: EXT. BEACH - DUSK ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab. He dangles it in Lori’s face. She freaks out, and runs into the water. They both laugh. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down, and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her head. DISSOLVE TO: INT. TED’S APARTMENT - NIGHT SLOW PAN ACROSS TED’S APARTMENT - The party is now over. Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO TED’S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a soapbox car that they have built and painted. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY 8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet. John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs off with him. John sprints after the dog. DISSOLVE TO: 87 INT. JOHN’S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, “Simpsons Reaches 5th season!” ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching TV, laughing hysterically. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT The marquee out front reads “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.” We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly wait in line. DISSOLVE TO: EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a “hang on, check this out” gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring the shit out of them. They run away, crying and traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY John and Lori paint the walls of their then new apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He shakes his head in a “whatever” fashion, and walks toward the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe of paint going down his back. EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - LATER Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and goes to light it. 88 (CONTINUED) He then notices something out of the corner of his eye. He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk shuffles through frame after him. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, “Simpsons Reaches 20th season!” ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching TV, expressionless and bored-looking. DISSOLVE TO: INT./ ESTAB. LORI’S OFFICE - DAY INT. REX’S OFFICE - SAME Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window. REX So, word through the grapevine is you are newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I would love it if you’d go with me. LORI You’re asking me out the day after I broke up with someone. REX Look, I’m gonna cut the shit here. LORI Okay. REX This is the first time you’ve been single in all the years you’ve worked here. Just go out with me one time. And if you’re miserable and you hate it, I promise I will never even hint at the subject again. Please. LORI Rex, I don’t think it’s smart. REX Look, I’m an asshole. I know that. It worked for me in high school, and it’s been like a reflex ever since. 89 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) (sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is you have a fun, casual date with a guy who only wants a chance to prove to you that he can be something more than a jerk. Besides, you’re a huge catch and it’s about time somebody treated you that way. LORI Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to sleep every night. REX Great. Pick you up at seven? EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT It’s raining outside. INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic book. There’s a knock at the door. JOHN Who is it? TED Johnny, it’s me. JOHN Go away. TED Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna talk. John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing on the floor, soaked. JOHN Jesus-- Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John flinches back, trying not to get wet. JOHN (CONT’D) Jesus Christ! 90 CONTINUED: REX (CONT'D) (CONTINUED) TED Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you’re pissed, but just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with Rex. JOHN What? TED I’m serious, John, I went over to your house to talk to Lori to try and take some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell. JOHN You’re un-fuckin'-believable, you know that? How stupid do you think I am? First of all, Lori would never go out with Rex, and second of all, if you think that by making shit like that up you’re gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her-- TED Johnny, it’s the truth. I’m tellin’ ya-- JOHN Get outta here. TED (beat) You know, you’re actin’ like a cock, you know that? JOHN What? I’m acting like a cock? TED Yes. You are actin’ like a giant, Vshaped-funny-lookin’-guy-in-a-porno cock. JOHN Huh? TED ‘Member that porno we saw with the guy with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What I’m sayin’ is that you’re blamin’ me for somethin’ you did to yourself. John glares at him. 91 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED (CONT’D) Lori was right about you. You can’t take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life. JOHN Oh, and you can? TED I don’t have to, I’m a fuckin’ teddy bear! Y’know somethin’, I didn’t tie you up and drag you to that party. I wanted you to come because you’re supposedly my best friend. JOHN Oh, yeah? Is that why you’ve manipulated me for years to stay eternally eight years old at the expense of the rest of my life? TED Whoa whoa, it’s not my fault you didn’t care enough about your relationship. JOHN You can’t stand there and tell me you haven’t always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 am, doesn’t it? TED Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here, controllin’ your mind? That’s your choice, John! And you know, by blamin’ me, you just make yourself look like a pussy. JOHN (beat) You know... sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old... and I wish I’d just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin. TED (beat) Say that one more time. JOHN Teddy... Rux-fuckin'-pin. 92 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him, wrapping his whole body around John’s face and head, like the facehuggers from “Aliens.” John stumbles around the room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door, shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face. John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed, reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible. John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him. JOHN (CONT’D) AAAAAA!!! Fuckin' Jesus fuckin' Christ! God fuckin' damn it!!! Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat, each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor). John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back onto the bed. Ted taunts him. TED C’mon, muthafucka! John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted dodges, and John’s fist goes into the wall above the headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again, and scrambles up John’s head, jumping up and grabbing the chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall, and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord catches on the fan’s motor. The lamp is ripped from John’s grasp, it swings around through the air, and cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down, whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach, clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor, yanks John’s pants partway down, and starts whipping his bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face, and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on. 93 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily. Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over to him. Both breathe heavily. John’s breathing deteriorates into sobs. TED (CONT’D) (breathing heavily) Why...why are you crying? JOHN My dick is in the TV. John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself. TED I’m so sorry, Johnny. I’m so sorry. JOHN So am I, man. TED I love you. JOHN I love you, too. John hugs Ted, who hugs him back. TED Listen... you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori. JOHN There is no putting things right. She hates me. TED No, John, we can get her back. Look, remember when you were ten, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun, and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both starting crying? Remember? And then we ran up to it and tried to give it CPR? And it came back to life? John, we could do that again. JOHN Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died. 94 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED (long beat) We can get Lori back. EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert. They cheer as she sings “Come Away With Me,” backed by a large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to be having a fantastic time. REX God, she’s so brave. Your music is so fuckin' brave! Norah finishes the song. NORAH Thanks so much! We’re gonna take a short break, but we’ll be back in a few! The crowd cheers. INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES. We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and pours a drink. TED (O.S.) Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut! NORAH (turning, recognizing) Teddy!! How you doin’, you fuzzy little asshole? She hugs him. TED Well, I’m not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold 37 million records, but I’m hangin’ in there. NORAH Well, half-Indian, but thanks. TED Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey Johnny, come on in! 95 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little nervous. TED (CONT’D) Norah, this is my friend John. JOHN (self-consciously extends hand) Hi. Hi, Norah Jones. NORAH (shaking his hand) Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You ready to bring down the house? JOHN Yes ma’am. Thank you for the opportunity, Ms.-- Ma’am Jones. TED Jesus, you look fantastic. NORAH Well, you’re probably not used to seeing me fully clothed. TED Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle’s house and we had awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom. NORAH Actually, you weren’t so bad for a guy with no penis. TED I have written so many letters to Hasbro about that. EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the piano. NORAH Okay, I’m gonna give my chops a rest here and invite a friend of mine up to the stage. He’s gonna sing a song to a very special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Let’s give a big hand to John Bennett! 96 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage. ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked. LORI Oh my god. John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori. JOHN Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins. Because I love her. This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life. The night we met. It’s the theme song from the movie “Octopussy.” The band begins playing. “All Time High”. Inexplicably, Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on. JOHN (CONT’D) ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO THE THINGS WE’VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON’T LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE’RE TWO OF A KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we see that Lori is softening. It’s working... JOHN (CONT’D) WE’RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE’LL CHANGE ALL THAT’S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE / THAN FALLING IN LOVE REX (fake voice, covering his mouth and looking away) You suck, get off the stage! (then, for Lori’s benefit) Hey, come on guys! The crowd starts to take the cue. CROWD Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! / We wanna hear Norah! / Come on! ANGLE ON Ted in the wings. TED Ah, god. JOHN SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT BEGIN... 97 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage, racing toward John. CRAZY GUY You’re an asshole! John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at the last second, so the base is sticking out horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops. NORAH Jesus. A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy. STAGEHAND Someone call an ambulance! The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert security personnel haul him offstage. EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Rex escorts Lori to his car. REX That was insane. Did you see the way that guy’s body hit the ground? It was like a rag doll! LORI Yeah, I’d rather just not talk about it. REX You want to go get a drink after this? I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die. LORI Nope, I think I’d rather you just take me home. REX One drink, come on. LORI Nope, not really feeling up to it. 98 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) REX Alright, alright, I get it. I don’t blame you. When you think about it, it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that. LORI Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed. Listen, John and I may have our problems but at least he tried. You know what? I don’t feel like talking to you about this. She walks away. REX Where you going? LORI Taking a cab. I’m going home. As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and releases a fart. REX Finally. EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off, still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex. After a few moments, there’s a knock at the door. Lori sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her towel. She looks through the peephole, but there’s no one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out into the hall. There’s no one there. TED (O.S.) Down here, I swear to god I’m not lookin’ up your towel. She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there. He’s blocking his view with one hand. TED (CONT’D) Not lookin’ up your towel. Not lookin’ at your funny business. 99 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI (pulling towel closer to her) Ted? What’re you doing here? What do you want? TED I need to talk to you. LORI Look, if you’re here to fight John’s battle for hi-- TED Lori, do me a favor and let me talk first, and then you can say whatever you want. There’s a beat. She reluctantly considers. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted. TED Look, John loves you very much. More than anything in the world. And he’s fallin’ to fuckin’ pieces without you. He knows he screwed up big time, but you gotta believe me that is wasn’t all his fault. If you’ll just give him one more chance to be with you-- She rolls her eyes. TED (CONT’D) Listen to me! If you’ll just give him one more chance... I promise I will leave and never come back. He’ll be all yours. Just give him one more chance. LORI Ted... that’s a very nice offer, but I don’t want you to do that. This is about John and me and our problems. And I don’t think it can be fixed. TED Because of me! Look, you want him to be a man. And I’m the one who’s keepin’ that from happening. As long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s still a boy. And I care about him as much as you do. But I’m willing to give up the boy so you can have the man. 100 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) We can see Lori starting to soften a bit. TED (CONT’D) Look, I’m givin’ this the best shot I got here, Lori. I’m beggin’ you. I’m no good at this emotional crap, but I gotta help my best friend. Please. Just talk to him. LORI (sigh) I’ll talk to him. TED Thank you. He’s waitin’ for me down at Charley’s. So... maybe you could, y’know... go down instead of me? LORI What... now? TED Please. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. LORI Alright, alright, I’ll go. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the door. Ted is on the couch watching TV. TED (flipping on TV) Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the Sox? The door shuts and she’s gone. Ted gets up and walks into the kitchen. He opens the fridge. TED (CONT’D) Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge. Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water filter. He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of beer bottles. TED (CONT’D) Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. My god, America is imploding. 101 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and watches the game. After a moment, there’s a knock at the door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up. TED (CONT’D) Forget your keys? He walks to the door, and opens it up. TED (CONT’D) You know, your beer suck-- He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy man from earlier, with his son Robert. DONNY Hi, Ted. TED Fuck. Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him. EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY’S - LATER DAY Lori’s car pulls up, and she gets out. INT. CHARLEY’S - CONTINUOUS Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs and walks over to him. JOHN Lori! What-- what are you doing here? LORI You can thank Ted. A beat. John smiles slightly. LORI (CONT’D) How are you? JOHN Good, good. I’ve, uh... made myself a nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up the street. I’d show you around, but it’s kinda classy. They require an undershirt and at least one visible cold sore for all customers. 102 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI (laughs humorlessly) Well. Shall I sit? JOHN Uh, yeah. She does. There’s a beat. A busboy brings them each a water. JOHN (CONT’D) So, work’s good? Everything good there? LORI Yeah. Work’s fine. JOHN How’s Rex? LORI There is no Rex. JOHN Oh. Good. (beat) Well... I guess we can’t make small talk all day, so I’ll say what I wanna say. I could sit here and tell you I’m sorry, it was a huge misunderstanding, and I’m ready to change. But I don’t think you wanna hear any of that crap. I’m not gonna try and get you to take me back. Why would you? I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years. I don’t deserve you. I didn’t take our relationship seriously, even though I love you more than life itself. All I want is... just to end on good terms. Because I owe that to you. I want you to be happy... and for us to be friends. LORI (a little taken aback) Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that. JOHN Well. That’s pretty much it. He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits there for a beat. 103 CONTINUED: EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - LATE DAY Donny’s car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs”). It’s close to one end of the base of a bridge. INT. DONNY’S HOUSE - LATE DAY Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It’s just as shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls, there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings, photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted’s media heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in public that Donny clearly took himself. TED Whoa... DONNY Yes, as you can see, you’ve been part of our family for quite some time. Welcome home. TED Heh, you know what’s hilarious, I got tons of pictures of you guys at my house. ROBERT Daddy, is he all mine? DONNY He’s all yours, my little winner. You’ve arrived at a lucky time, Ted. It’s almost Robert’s play hour. TED I’m guessin’ you guys don’t have a PS3. I’m guessin’ you’re more of a wooden horse with a wig kinda family. INT. ROBERT’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Ted is led into Robert’s room. It’s a fairly sparse room with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with a wig stands in the corner. TED Huh. Wig horse. Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny stands in the doorway. 104 (CONTINUED) DONNY Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert now. So you will do as he says. TED Y’know, you think you’re just gonna get away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin’ example you’re settin’ for your kid. DONNY (leaning in to Ted with anger) LANGUAGE!!! Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back. DONNY (CONT’D) When I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I’d ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father if I could have a magical teddy bear, too. And he said no. And I was heartbroken. I decided that if I ever had a son, I would never say no to him. TED Maybe “no” to a Snickers bar every once in awhile wouldn’t hurt. ROBERT Me and Ted are gonna be best friends, daddy. DONNY Yes. You are. Happy play time. Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted. TED Jesus fuckin' Christ! ROBERT No! Daddy said no bad words! TED Yeah well, fuck your dad. Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It doesn’t budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor. TED (CONT’D) Shit! 105 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) Robert stands over him. ROBERT I said a bad word one time, and daddy punished me for it. TED That’s a great story, I felt like I was there. ROBERT Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to give you an ouch. Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of Ted’s ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear. TED Okay... okay, kid. You win. We’ll do it your way. You wanna play a game or somethin’? It’s play time, let’s play a game. ROBERT Yeah, I wanna play a game! TED Good, good, hey, how ‘bout we play a little game of hide and seek? ROBERT I love hide and seek! I’ll hide! TED Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to show good manners, right? ROBERT Yes. TED Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest hide first, don’t ya think? There’s a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then: ROBERT Okay, you hide first. TED Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred and then try to find me, okay? 106 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) ROBERT Do I need to wash my hands before this game? TED You... well-- no, you-- god, that’s a weird fuckin’ question, no, just start countin’. Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting. ROBERT One... two... three... Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the door. TED Okay, no peekin’, now, or you’ll get kid cancer. Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed ear, and exits again. INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway, he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back into the hallway before he’s seen, but in the process, bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin, falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the direction of the hallway. DONNY (beat) Robert? How’s play time? INT. ROBERT’S ROOM - LATE DAY Robert’s hands still cover his eyes. ROBERT Good, daddy! 107 CONTINUED: INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY DONNY Ted, are you making friends with Robert? Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat, Donny leans forward as if he’s about to get up. DONNY (CONT’D) Ted? ROBERT (O.S.) Daddy, you’re gonna ruin the game! DONNY (chuckling) Okay. Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it’s just a storage closet. He’s about to shut it, but notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily begins stapling his ear back on. INT. DONNY’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Donny’s hears something, and turns to look. We think he’s about to get up, but he then settles back in. ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in. Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the hall. INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He dials John’s number. EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat, Lori’s car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans over. LORI Hey. JOHN Hey. 108 (CONTINUED) LORI Kinda late to be walkin’ home by yourself. JOHN Oh, I’ll be okay. If I get raped, it’ll be my fault with what I’m wearing. LORI Listen, John... there’s something I wanna say to you, too. He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to her. She prepares to speak, but John’s phone rings. He shuts it off without looking at it. JOHN Go ahead. INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear. INT. LORI’S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK LORI John, I just want you to know that... I mean, I hope you don’t think that-- John’s phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It reads “Unknown caller.” He silences it. LORI (CONT’D) I, um... I just feel like we should... keep talking. Because-- John’s phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it. JOHN Whoever this is, it’s not a good time. INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN: TED John! It’s me! Can you hear me? JOHN Ted? Lori sighs, slightly annoyed. JOHN (CONT’D) Listen, I gotta call you back. 109 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED No, John! Don’t hang up, I’m in trouble! JOHN What do you mean, what kinda trouble? Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed. TED They got me! That freaky guy and his freaky fat kid! JOHN What? TED I’m in their house, John! You gotta call the police, they won’t let me outta here! They tore my ear off! JOHN Wait, slow down! Where are you? TED Uh... I’m not sure, it’s uh-- Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps and looks up. It’s Donny, who slams the phone back down in its cradle. DONNY (dark, brewing rage) You’re not a very polite guest. TED Shit. INT. LORI’S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK JOHN (into phone) Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted! LORI What’s the matter, is he all right? JOHN I don’t know. LORI Where is he? JOHN I don’t know, but he’s in trouble. 110 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI Why? What happened? Can you call him back? JOHN No, it’s blocked-- wait a second. John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the Common. He looks at it, then points out the window. JOHN (CONT’D) Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on the expressway! EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS Lori’s car peels out and races off. INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY Donny stands over Ted. DONNY You’ve put us in a pickle here, haven’t you? We have to go now. TED Yeah, good idea. Ted runs through Donny’s legs, and out into the hall. He races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps in front of the door, blocking him. TED (CONT’D) Aaaa! ROBERT Found you. Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted turns and bolts in the other direction back down the hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses. INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them and back out into the hall. 111 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a door. INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and mutilated teddy bears. TED AAAAAA! Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him. DONNY We tried to make do with other teddy bears. But none of them were you, Ted. Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to: EXT. STREET - DUSK John and Lori race through the streets of Boston. INT. LORI’S CAR - DUSK JOHN It’s this creepy fucked-up guy who wants Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. They got him somehow. LORI Which way? JOHN Shoot up 99! EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS The car makes a hard left. INT. LORI’S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone. 112 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) JOHN (into phone) Hello, 911? I need the police right away! This guy took my teddy bear! (beat) ...Hello? EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS Lori’s car speeds away. EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny slams the door. He gets into the car. DONNY Robert, seat belt. Robert buckles up. EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny pulls away down the alley. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted scrambles to his feet. INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS John looks around frantically, then spots something out of the passenger’s side window. JOHN’S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny’s car heading out of the alleyway. JOHN (to Lori) Whoa whoa, stop stop stop! The car slows down, and John sees Donny’s car make the turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back. 113 CONTINUED: INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS TED Johnny! Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his sideview mirror, just in time to see Lori’s car swing a Uturn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up the street. Lori’s car speeds up in pursuit. EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and pedestrians. INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny’s car races through the tunnel. Lori’s car pursues. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat belt. INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS JOHN Come on, we’re losing him! Lori speeds up. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to wriggle free. INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS The chase continues. 114 INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar, and climbs up onto the edge of the window. INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS They see Ted in the window. JOHN Get closer! LORI I’m trying! INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar. TED (holding head in pain) Aaaaa! Shit!! INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one of his legs. ROBERT No! You’re being bad! Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and brandishes it threateningly at Robert. TED Back off, Susan Boyle. Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump. 115 INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS JOHN Easy... LORI I know. JOHN Easy-- LORI I know! INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Lori’s car moves closer to Donny’s. There’s a tense moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori’s car, and slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori breathe energetic sighs of relief. TED Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right? John and Lori laugh. JOHN Yes! Fuckin’ A right! INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny sees what’s happening in his side mirror. He puts his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it drastically reduces speed. John’s car slams into Donny’s causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of Donny’s car, past Robert (who is still in the way back) and tumbling into the back seat. TED Goddamn it! Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack. ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from behind, and throws the sack over Donny’s head, bracing himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off. 116 INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny’s car scrapes against the side of the tunnel, sending sparks flying. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the floor on the passengers’ side. Donny rips the sack off his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window. He’s approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is opposing traffic moving in the other direction. EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks. LORI Shit! She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they continue on into the city. EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Donny’s car races through the streets, pursued by John and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways behind. INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ted is still on the floor on the passenger’s seat side. He looks around, and spots a “Club” underneath the seat. He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger’s seat. Then, with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering wheel with a snap! Donny’s eyes widen as Ted scrambles into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but can’t. 117 EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Donny’s car swerves out of control, veering up the street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop. Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit. TED’S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly. That little rip has done something... He shakes it off, and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and disappears inside. ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind Donny’s car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the sidewalk after them. INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him down a bit. ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through the garage door, and running inside. They look around for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them (Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK ON JOHN. ROBERT (O.S.) NO!! John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at them! ROBERT (CONT’D) You can’t have my teddy bear!! When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look down at him. LORI Oh my god. 118 (CONTINUED) JOHN Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on that kid. (then) Come on! John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around, but it’s unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori just behind him. INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him. Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs. EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED’S POV, it’s a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can’t quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat, then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted. Ted climbs farther up the tower. INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS John and Lori emerge and continue to look around frantically. They run up the walkway. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Donny pursues Ted up the tower. EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and run down the aisle, looking around with desperation. 119 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI (spotting the action on the tower) Look! John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant lighting tower. JOHN Oh Jesus... (then) Stay here. LORI Wait, John! What are you-- JOHN STAY THERE!! He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the concession area. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls back down. He’s about to pulls himself up again, when Donny grabs one of his legs. EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny’s grasp, but he can’t. CLOSE UP ON TED’S SIDE - The small rip from earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED’S FACE - His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with fear. TED’S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows this is not good... EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs. 120 CONTINUED: EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we see his vision swimming even more. EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS John runs up the stairwell. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up, but he’s visibly weakened and his hands are slipping. EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS John continues up the stairwell. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his depleted strength to pull himself farther up. EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over toward the lighting tower, just in time to see... EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP, Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging, stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling himself back over the ledge. We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well. ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren, and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car pull up far below, he makes a break for it. 121 (CONTINUED) Down below, Ted’s top half lies on the grass, looking around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side, and kneel down. JOHN Ted! LORI Oh my God... TED (weak, slow breathing) Johnny... Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing. JOHN Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all! Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of the white cotton. TED Johnny... John leans back over Ted. JOHN You’re gonna be okay, buddy. you understand? You’re gonna be fine. TED (weak) Jesus, I look like the robot from “Aliens”. JOHN No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you’re gonna be okay. TED I... I don’t think so. I’m... I’m in trouble. I need... I need to tell you something. JOHN What is it? TED Don’t... don’t ever lose her again. She’s the most important... most important part of your life. 122 CONTINUED: (MORE) (CONTINUED) Even more than me. She’s your thunder buddy now. She’s-- Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain... EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT The rain is pouring now. Lori’s car pulls up. She and John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They race inside. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They’re both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to sew him up as John watches intently. LORI John... I don’t know if this is gonna-- JOHN Just try. Please. Just try. She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower their heads. INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his shoulder. LORI John... I’m sorry. You did everything you could. I’m... I’m just so sorry. She gently puts an arm around him. There is a thunderclap outside. John does not react. LORI (CONT’D) (almost too softly to be heard) You’re not afraid... 123 CONTINUED: TED (CONT'D) (CONTINUED) ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and exit... DISSOLVE TO: INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks over to the window, and looks out. EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one from that night when John was a child. As before, there is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star whizzes by through the opening. INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Lori’s eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and makes a wish... EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM - MORNING John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted’s eyes snap open. JOHN Ted! TED (retarded-sounding voice) I’m alive, Johnny! JOHN Oh my god! 124 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) TED (retarded-sounding voice) I’m alive! Your magical wish worked! JOHN You’re back! TED (retarded-sounding voice) Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I’m a little fucked up. Will you take care of me forever and ever? John stares at him, confused. TED (CONT’D) (normal voice) Nah, I’m just kiddin’ ya, I thought it’d be funny if you thought I was fuckin’ retarded. JOHN You asshole! John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees what’s happening, and a huge smile crosses her face. LORI Welcome back, Ted. John turns to Lori, and realizes... JOHN It... it was you. You did it. (cover this line with addition:) It was your wish. TEDDY (smiling, speechless) Son of a bitch...You wished for my life back. She smiles at him. LORI No. I wished for my life back. Because I love you both. John goes to her, and kisses her passionately. TED You were pretty great out there at Fenway, Johnny. 125 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) LORI Yeah, that’s my big brave man. JOHN Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I mean if that’s what it’s like to hit a woman, watch out, I liked it. LORI (smiling) I love you. JOHN I love you, too. (then) And, I want you to know that... I’m probably never gonna be any more than a guy who rents cars, but... I don’t care. You’re the only thing that matters in my life. TED (O.S.) Ay-- JOHN You and Ted. TED (O.S.) Yes! JOHN And after last night, I... I don’t ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again. I’m not gonna wait any longer for my life to start. Lori... will you marry me? LORI (beat, she smiles) That’s all I ever wanted. John and Lori kiss as we pull away... NARRATOR (V.O.) And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily ever after, having discovered at last that all they really needed was each other. John and Lori were married in a beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a very special Justice of the Peace. 126 CONTINUED: INT. CHURCH - DAY We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux, stands in the best man’s position. John stands on the steps smiling and looking out as we cut to... ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress, smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones addresses the two of them, standing at the altar. SAM JONES I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing pews full of people from the movie: Lori’s co-workers, John’s co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix and Tanya, etc.). EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS John and Lori come running out of the church, as the crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo with a “Just Married” sign on the back. John gets in, and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina, Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away... Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as his best friend heads off. TED Y’know Sam, there’s only one way to end a perfect day. SAM JONES What’s that? TED On three. SAM JONES What on three? TED Flash jump. 127 (CONTINUED) SAM JONES (realizing) Right. One... two... three. DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same time... TED/SAM JONES YEAH!!! They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme kicks in. Over the music: NARRATOR (V.O.) And that’s the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends. INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double date. NARRATOR (V.O.) Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of TamiLynn’s bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager. INSERT: footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow motion. NARRATOR (V.O.) Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH. NARRATOR (V.O.) Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful “Superman” movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us. INSERT: footage or Rex at the office. 128 CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) NARRATOR (V.O.) Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room. NARRATOR (V.O.) Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. INSERT: footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom. NARRATOR (V.O.) Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner. INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER. THE END 129 CONTINUED: